Asperger's potentially stereotyped as manipulative

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I ran into this. I told someone I really like about my condition, kind of a preemptive gesture of trust. Word came back to me that in discussing this with someone she was encouraged (by someone who works at a hospital) not to pursue friendship or relationship with me, because people with Asperger's are "manipulative." She ignored this advice, thankfully, but I am beginning to wonder if other people have encountered this sort of prejudice...? Is there any basis to it? I don't think of myself as a selfish or manipulative person, quite the opposite, in fact... I'm not overly prone to meltdowns except under extreme circumstances of confusion and emotional illiteracy. I don't know where this impression comes from... Any input?

Last edited by abyssquick on 07 Sep 2011, 1:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It might be based off of the meltdowns aspies can have. Most people assume meltdowns in children are attempts to manipulate. That probably carries on to adults as well. Just a guess though. I've been called lots of things, but not manipulative.

Yes, that does seem as though it could be a factor.

That does seem to be a stereotype of AS. In reality the opposite is generally true - most AS people are less manipulative than NTs. For example I've met several NT children who faked or exaggerated pain or sadness in order to get sympathy, but never met a kid on the autistic spectrum who did this.

I think the idea comes from two things. Firstly, AS people can be hard for NTs to understand, and may get upset by things that NTs are fine with, and sometimes NTs think the AS person is deliberately acting difficult because they find it hard to imagine that a person could genuinely find touch painful, for example, or not realize that a fat woman doesn't want to be told she's fat. It's so far out of NT experience that it's easier to conceive of the person being manipulative instead.

The second thing is that many NTs probably had a 'nerdy' classmate who was bullied when they were growing up, and many of them may have either participated in the bullying or at the very least not seen it as particularly bad. When they hear that nerdy kids may be acting the way they do because of a disability, rather than out of choice, that makes their own behavior a lot less acceptable. They can either accept that they did wrong and resolve to do better, or they can make excuses about why it's OK to treat AS people badly.

Another thing I'd like to point out is that I think people have too negative a view of manipulative behavior. There are some disabilities that cause a high rate of manipulative behavior (such as borderline personality), and people with those conditions aren't the monsters that people tend to make out. Mostly they're just people with very pressing emotional needs who are trying very hard to get others to meet those needs. They deserve more sympathy than hatred, really.

I think we can be mistaken as manipulative like having a meltdown can be seen as us having one just to get our way. If we calm down after we get our way, they get the wrong idea we only did it to get it.

I think its purely misunderstanding... I don't think their is nearly the same ratio of aspies who would know how to intentionally manipulate in comparison to the ratio of NT's who can do this.

I've run into that occasionally. It makes me LOL.

I have been somewhat emotionally manipulative with my intimate partner at times and I think it is because I don't know how or have trouble expressing my emotional needs directly. So at times I have become sullen or silent in a misdirected attempt to have my feelings noticed. As far as manipulating people in general, I find it abhorant and conciously reject opportunities where I see that I could manipulate someone in some way. But I have been shocked to find out that some people consider me manipulative and have concluded that it is this: I am very direct if I need someones help and in persuing something that I want. If I need something and see that someone can help me I just come out and say it without any preamble or beating around the bush. I think this is interperated as "manipulation" because NTs use more finesse to decern if the other person feels ok about a request and they can "read between the lines" to know how another is really feeling. NTs don't like to be direct or blunt, so if I ask directly they don't feel like they can say no, and I guess, assume I should know that, and then they feel like they have been manipulated. Now that I have figured this out, I avoid asking people for help whenever possible.

So she works in a hospital...does she put water on the floor and put it back in a bucket all day?

I wouldn't worry about it at all, her friend has just shown her true colours to your friend and if she had any sense she would get rid of her.

Just out of interest, does she think children with cancer only pretend to be sick to get attention?

I agree with this. My partner has to try really hard to remember that I'm not being manipulative, and for a long time he thought I was. Then again it's hard for me to remember he's not lying when he doesn't remember the same things I do, or when he uses social conventions that look like lies to me. Our relationship was all kinds of not-fun while we figured that out



Yes! I keep hearing "So-and-so is just acting out to get attention." Well, if they need attention so badly, or they feel they do, there's probably something wrong. They might not necessarily need the attention they're asking for - it might even be bad for them - but they are lacking something.

Actually, I don't honestly know. It did seem like an odd and inappropriate general comment to be made. I'm not sure at all what the origins or intentions of such a comment could even be.

It is neither odd nor inappropriate.

I will make it more clear, is she a receptionist, cleaner, cook, porter, surgeon, psychologist...any number of people who may be familiar with autism in general or is she just ignorant?

There is no way in hell I would ever expect to get a diagnosis from a hospital porter, much the same way as I wouldn't expect to get a Michelin calibre meal from a McDonalds.

Is the friend someone whose opinion should be valued...I really do not know how it can be made any clearer.

Oh, sorry. I meant the comment of Aspies being "manipulative" being odd and inappropriate - not anything in your response. Communication lapse, methinks. My whole response is based on that comment, not on your response.

The stupid thing about that notion is that one of the biggest problems we have in social interaction is PROCESSING. Its difficult to know how to interact in social situations when your brain takes a few nanoseconds longer to input and process all the data coming in from the conversation and the eye contact and the other nonverbal signals that are being thrown back and forth than the neurotypical brain does.

If your brain is already juggling as fast as it can just to keep pace with the conversation, making up lies and half truths off the top of your head in order to 'manipulate' someone into doing your will is out of the question. I feel so pressured sometimes by the simplest questions that I just want to walk out of the room and be left alone. The mental picture of standing around gadding and chatting and lying through my teeth, or putting on a sad face and whining just to trick somebody into something is laughable. I couldn't do it if my life depended on it.

I can lie if it means keeping some nosy parker from prying into my personal business, but when I hear 'manipulative' I think 'Quick Thinking Con Artist' and I just can't imagine an Aspie having the neurological tools to pull that off. Thats kind of the exact opposite of what this disorder is.

This.

Accusing an autistic person of being manipulative is like accusing a blind person of spying on you because he looks at you funny. Or like accusing a paraplegic of kicking you as they walk past.

And a person at the hospital said that? "Someone is different! They must be evil! Shun them!" It's like being back in the dark ages. Or back at school where the mean girls say "don't talk to the awkward looking kid, she's manipulative."

The people who say this are generally the manipulative ones. Cowards who will not tell you to your face, but prefer to destroy your reputation through a whispering campaign behind you back.

I bet it's the people who are manipulative themselves who interpret the innocent behaviors of others to be manipulative.