I hate myself...

Post Reply New Topic

I can't think of a single thing I can do right. I suck at everything. I can't even go out & purchase a new razor (somehow broke mine) without having issues. Got charged for the razor but the girl wouldn't let me have it. I had a meltdown & ended up beating on myself with my leather belt until it raised welts & nice red marks when I got home. I am so STUPID...a useless vile pile of walking talking steaming excrement! I am disgusted with being me. So in the meantime, I have to shave with something that feels like it's taking all the outer layer of my skin with it when I shave. I HATE myself. I wish that I'd been aborted, & never ever had to deal with a crappy body, an even crappier mind, & an ugly personality. I just cannot find anything decent about myself to like. What a piece of loser crap I turned out to be.

Why wouldn't she let you have the razor? That's not your fault.

I know how things like that can make you feel like life is just junk. I mean if life can't allow you such a minimal comfort as being able to shave without it hurting...

And I know the instinct to take your frustration at life's ridiculous stinginess and mindless cruelties out on yourself physically...

But it sounds like she or the store just messed up.

So doesn't mean you're a loser in any way.

I'm sorry you had such a horrible experience and horrible day.

Everything in life is my fault. I've been told life is what you make it. Well I've made one helluva mess. Starting with conception. It's been pretty much all downhill from that point. My parents hated me from the time they got me home...I was a horrible ugly vile little creature who made their lives hell. It's definitely my fault. Had I not been born at that time, they would have had to choose another child. Probably one with a better personality & better looking too. They got stuck with me since I was the only thing available.

Your own sadness is not your fault.

Do you mind me asking, were you adopted? I can't tell by what you say. It sounds like in any case you think of yourself as a mistake and not what your parents wanted.

Well I can tell you you're not a mistake. Why, because what else would I be doing now at 8:19 PM Eastern Standard Time on Wednesday, September 12, 2011 besides talking to you. My life could have gone in any number of possible directions but the only real one and the way it will go down in history is that I was talking to you. This piece of my life would not exist without you and therefore there would be no me past this point because looking back it will be clear if I wasn't talking to you now I didn't exist. So you're creating me and bringing life to me and do that with everyone you interact with. That's how I see it. If I knew you better I could assure you you're a great person because everyone is in their own way but for me to say that now would not convince you so I'll just say you're necessary and crucial to the universe.

Nobody's a mistake.

Technically, I am a mistake. I am the product of an unwanted/unplanned pregnancy. I caused my bio-mom to abandon her family until after I was born. I screwed up her life too. And yes I was adopted...well more like a black market baby which means I was purchased. That's what I was always told growing up...that they paid for me & I cost them a lot of money. So it was my fault that I was the only thing available at the time they wanted a kid. It was my fault that they ended up with a defective child who they couldn't stand from the very beginning. It's my fault that I survived all that even though I had the perfect rope with the perfect tree when I was 10. I so wish I would have just hung myself in the backyard & been done with it. No more pain, no more being responsible for being so much hatred into my world. People who knew me would have rejoiced & maybe even the world would have been a better place because no one would have had to see my ugly repulsive face.

But ever since I was an ugly nasty baby, I've done nothing but screw up. I was even likely whoring around with some man before I was a year old due to the fact that I found out a few years ago that I had a partial hysterectomy. That occurred at 11 months. It's the only thing I can think of since I was never told what happened. As though not telling me would mean the surgery never happened. But I do know that my adopted mom hated me as long as I can remember...so I must have done something really horrible for her to dislike me so much. It didn't get better as my dad threatened to kill me in front of witnesses, & my mom came at me with a kitchen knife poised over her head to stab me. They hated me....but no one liked me so I have only myself to blame for that as well. I was an ugly repulsive disgusting vile creature that no one wanted anything to do with. Of course it's my fault. If I hadn't been born so repulsive, people wouldn't hate me so much. I'm just so disgusted with my life. I'm almost 50 & I can't do anything right. No job, no DX because the shrinks don't believe me & don't listen. No friends, nothing. Even my dog avoids me.

It must be horrible growing up thinking you were a mistake and unwanted. Because you were adopted you grew up thinking about what-ifs that most people never think about even though most (well all) people have run-ins with their parents and have their parents disppointed in them at one point or another. But most people just think "Well, my parents had me, they got what was coming to them I guess" whereas you had to think, partially as a result of your parents' abusive and completely inappropriate bringing up of your adoptedness, that your parents didn't necessarily have YOU coming to them and therefore that any misery they said you caused was your fault. Well. Guess what. It's no more your fault than the interpersonal conflict that arises between any parent and child (or should I say EVERY). You have just been forced to think about it in a way most people haven't that is very destructive to your sense of self and well-being. You were not a mistake any more than even the most "planned" and "wanted" baby was a mistake. I put planned and wanted in quotes because really how can you plan for something you don't know yet. No parent knows their kid until they are born, biological or not. People whose parents planned and wanted them wanted "a a kid", just like your parents. Your parents just invoked your adoption in rants against you because they could as an emotional manipulation tactic. I'm really sorry you've gone through your whole life thinking this way. It's baseless and not worth your worry cause you're an excellent person. I don't know you beyond your posts but I can tell from the self-hating tone of what you say that your feelings of inner and outer ugliness stem from this childhood complex greatly aggravated by your parents' arguing styles, and not from a realistic and healthy appreciation of your actual inner and outer beauty, which exists. It exists it exists it exists.I am so glad you did not hang yourself at age ten but so sorry you went through a lifetime of feeling this way. Have you looked up therapists specializing in either adoption issues or Asperger's or both? The ones you saw don't sound professional or helpful.

PS I'm SURE your dog loves you.

I don't think you're useless at all, OP. You've said some helpful and supportive things to me when I was feeling down and I appreciated it.

I was an unexpected pregnancy for my 18 year-old parents and got sent some mixed messages growing up, so I can empathize with some of what you are saying. I think the messages you were sent and the abuse you dealt with growing up is a reflection on your parents, though, not on you. You had no control over the cirumstances of your birth.

I'd really like to see you be able to meet with a competant psychologist who can help you work through some of this, rather than have you be forced to deal with it alone. What state do you live in and what type of medical insurance do you have? Maybe someone from WP who lives in your region could recommend someone good.

Thanks Blueroses, I have crappy insurance with crappier shrinks. I've also talked with another woman I know who has dealt with this company & only knows too well how bad they really are. I do not have money to seek out someone more appropriate to my needs. I've seen quite a few (through my insurance) over the past several years, & they just don't listen. They make snap judgements, & frustrate me more than when I just deal with my issues on my own. I do have an appt coming up. I have little hope of gaining anything of value from it. I gather she's an NT, & cannot relate to what I've gone through. So far this has been the majority of my problems with shrinks since I was a kid. It's also difficult to trust when they don't give me a reason to.

I've thought about going in there, & making her do some actual work to earn her living. I can just sit there & mess with my phone, while she tries to figure out what to do with me. I just don't care anymore...too old for stupid games & since she clearly cannot see my POV, I have little hope for her to figure me out....even when I have given her lots to go on. I've even brought printed copies of tests & information pertaining to my issues with AS & others. But they have been discounted as being little more than having entertainment value. Last one threatened to have me committed. I've also been down that road before. They didn't know what was wrong with me...but to their credit, AS had long since been forgotten, & was many years away from being rediscovered.

I do realize my parents were abusive. But they were far from the only ones. When I say that no one liked me...its not just them, but their friends, relatives, my peers, teachers, neighbors, etc. Literally no one liked me growing up. I learned that when no one can like you, you are about as unlovable as one can get. I never even learned to like myself for much the same reasons, as I blamed Tomboy for being so hated by others. Majority rules way of thinking. If 100 people you know think you're lower than a big pile of excrement....you have a pretty good idea of what value you have. Which is to say, I have/had little value.

My dog was abused before we adopted him. So he gets nervous when I am angry (afraid I'm going to hurt him). I have yelled at him, but try my hardest not to take my anger with myself out on him...it's not his fault I'm so screwed up.

As far as the what ifs. Yeah, I thought about that a lot. I grew up with the knowledge that my bio-mom kept her oldest child. It was me who was rejected. I often got angry at her for giving me up (didn't know her-just angry in general at being abandoned by her, knowing she kept another child/placed with a couple who hated me with a vengeance). My parents never explained what or why they didn't like me, or tried to help me to change stuff. They'd just blow up at me & either cuss me out & /or beat the crap out of me. I just remember the older I got the more hated I was. I was a poor reflection on my parents. I was nothing like either of them. I didn't share anything in common with them. They couldn't understand why even though we all lived under the same roof, I didn't share their traits or personalities....I understand that those things are somewhat inherited or hardwired into a person's personality...it's nature not nurture. It got me into trouble all the time because they felt I should pick up on their likes & be more like them (including handedness). It also got me into trouble with their friends & relatives. I was not the model child....I knew very well I was the odd one out, & it happened everywhere I went. I was always compared to other kids unfavorably. "So & so's kid is so (fill in blank), so why can't you be more like him/her?"

I just never met with anyone's expectations. I had been tested & heard mom brag about my "genius" level of intelligence, but I never measured up to hers or teachers expectations of excelling in school. I was inept in dealing with the other children, & inept in the classroom unless the subjects were reading, spelling, or art related. If it was anything else, I scored extremely poorly or failed all together. I know I was a huge source of frustration. How can a kid be so smart & at the same time be so stupid??? I guess they thought if they threatened or punished me enough I'd get it, & it would straighten me out. It didn't work that way, & I became more & more depressed over time. When I was around 8 or so, & they'd get mad at me I'd apologize for being born.

I had to fight all along the way over stupid stuff....sometimes just to survive. There's been a lot of times when I'd hear of a child relative getting cancer & dying, or the young girl who had an accident & died right in front of school....how I wished I could trade places with them & be at peace. Still wish I could trade places. Lost a cousin to brain cancer a couple of years ago, & before he died, I begged God to give me his disease. So much for that...as I am still here. That in a nutshell is my life.

Well you have had a hard life. I agree with blueroses and even though it sounds like you don't have good insurance maybe if you started a thread specifically asking for any leads on good psychologists in your area who could diagnose you. That or go to the site http://grasp.org and sign up for the mailing list for your area and ask on the mailing list.

That your biological mother placed you but not her first child for adoption must be hard for you to think about. She was probably trying to do what was best but for you it sounds like it feels like the first rejection in a long series of them throughout your life.

It sounds like your mother (adoptive mother) must have thought a lot of you to brag about your smartness. Like blueroses said it wasn't the fact of your adoptedness that your parents were abusive in several ways toward you but the fact that they were abusive and used whatever tools thay had at their disposal, including the fact of your adoptedness, to (inappropriately) take out their issues on you. They were their issues and not yours. I imagine this must have set you on a course for life being hyper-alert to rejection by other people and finding only yourself to blame.

Have you been able to talk to any fellow adoptees who were adopted in the era you were? I read some books on this due to a family member's impending adoption and about how much has changed over the decades for the better in adoption practice and attitudes toward adoption. I wonder if other people your age might be able to relate to your issues. Maybe there are some support groups, even online, you could join?

Also I guess support addressing your abusive childhood would be really important too.

So: yeah I guess ideally finding someone who specializes in Asperger's, adult adoptee issues, and abusive family issues would be good but it's kind of hard to find such a specific combination in one person. Hopefully though you can find them in separate people at least. Anyone who laughs off information you bring in about AS as entertainment is not a good person to be going to.

Thanks Purchase. Good advice. I don't know any adoptees my age. It was pretty rare (no one ever talked about it), & from what I understand from what my adoptive mom used to tell me, they "paid" for me going through an attorney to make it happen. Money definitely changed hands. It was all very hush hush. That was not the standard way to get a child back in the early 60s. I was also told I was a "black market baby," & personal property. Usually folks went through social agencies, orphanages, churches, etc, not attorneys (now of course, it's quite common to get a lawyer involved).

Mom only bragged about my intelligence to make herself look better. She was a narcissist. If I did anything wrong, she took it personally & I was punished harshly for making her look bad. When it was discovered that I did poorly in most subjects in school, she really started to hate me. My grades reflected badly on her, & she was embarrassed. So it really wasn't that she was proud of my intelligence, she just wanted to look good in front of others. She thrived on ego boosts, & I was not a boost to her ego. I'm not sure why she told me about my older sibling. I don't know if it was intended to hurt me, or what, but I felt crushed & rejected for sure. It hurt knowing my bio-mom chose to keep another child but not me.

My latest attempt (August of this year) at getting a proper DX was met with failure. To the psychologist, I am just too NT to have it. However, other than eye contact, I do have a long list of AS symptoms (collecting data/stuff on special interests, lack of social skills, lack of friends, prefer being alone, prefer animals to people, prefer my special interests to people, awkward-socially & with motor skills, sleep disturbances, sensory issues off the charts-sights, sounds, touch, taste, & smells, job issues, etc). She also refused to look at my print outs from my tests below....saying they don't count, & they're useless. She feels the abuse has made me what I am not the AS. I disagree since many kids with AS tend to be abused as children-not all specifically, but many. I was abused because I didn't fit the mold I was supposed to...I feel the AS was both a blessing & a curse because it kept me from completely losing sense of self, but I was always in trouble because I was considered willful & stubborn. I did not have a "disorder," I was disobedient. The way my parents dealt with that was severe punishment. I have had many years to try to sort things out but middle age has only made things worse for me. Been told I just need to suck it up & get over my issues. If I could do that, I would have done it years ago.

I subscribe to Grasp, but it's overwhelming....tons of emails, so many that I cannot keep up. I've checked their website....one is that there's very little in my area & I despise going to Los Angeles. The older I get the more I hate driving to the city. Also diagnostics through Grasp (I looked) are expensive & I just don't have that kind of money (barely holding on as it is). I'm not even sure about finding someone who deals in adopted issues. I have to use what few tools I have available to me...it's not much but at this time, it's all I can afford. I've somehow survived this long...not that I want to....all I really want is peace, & peace seems to evade me.

Tomboy4Good: Sorry for the late response. When all else fails as dubious a suggestion as this may sound there are lots of books to be read on all the issues you mentioned. Maybe see if your library has books on adoption, abusive childhoods, narcissism/narcissistic parents, Asperger's, self-esteem, depression... I know a long list but such books can be really helpful. I wish I could be of more help but I'm kind of worn out mentally in general but I bet some people here could give good book suggestions. Also talking to NT parents in the Parents' section even though you may be their age or older seems like it could be helpful, hearing from parents who are able to appreciate their child's uniqueness.

I know what you mean, I have poor executive functioning which makes me a bad worker, and I work part time, if I work full time I invariably end up fired, or completely burnt out. So I can relate to feeling useless. I would give anything to be able to work quickly efficiently and hold down a job, it would open many doors. Anyway I guess we have to find ways to find our own worth outside the rules of this world. It is a pretty messed up place in many ways so perhaps we shouldnt feel too bad for having trouble fitting into it.

Hi Purchase & Zen.

Well I may have found one way to give back to society. Helping homeless pets as a volunteer. No pay involved, but it beats sitting at home applying for jobs, & never getting an email or a call back.

I know I need to work on issues from my past. I have self-help books galore. The only problem is there's no feedback & it's very difficult to stay on task. Not sure how to remedy the mess that's me. Had another bad meltdown yesterday, & actually did some pretty bad damage to my leg. I think it will heal, but it will take longer than normal. <sigh>

I hate myself for how dumb I seem to act around people, and how much I feel like everyone around me already hates me..