In what sort of ways are Aspies selfish?

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I don't actually consider myself as selfish. I try to make my own plans up, I am very independant-minded, and although sometimes I get a bit carried away with talking about my emotions and my obsessions, I still don't really consider myself as selfish as what I've seen some people be. I'm not trying to make everyone think I'm a perfect person, because nobody's perfect. I can be a very awkward person, I can be aloof at times, and I am a very anxious person at the best of times.

But I'm not quite sure what people mean when they say that people with AS are selfish, even though most people in general are selfish. A lot of women comment on how their husbands are selfish, and I'm not putting anyone down - I really do hear a lot of women say about this almost every day. And I know a lot of women who act selfish too. I also know a few ''me me me drama queens'' too, which I know I'm not. Sometimes I can be like it, but not generally. My mate's boyfriend is one of them.

I actually think I worry too much about other people's feelings more than my own, which lands me in awkward situations at times. Like the other week when I felt depressed and wanted some time on my own, but I had arranged to meet a friend and go shopping (and crowds and noise is the last thing I want to face when I'm feeling down), but I didn't want to ring her up and cancel it because I didn't want to disappoint her, so I went along, having to take up all my energy to put on this sociable, happy front, then felt so tired when I got home, and had to go to bed early and watch a film to get me out of this depression. When really, I could have just phoned up my friend and arranged another day, and had a nice peaceful day to myself to clear my mind, and then started a fresh day tomorrow.

But I've been let down countless times by friends in the past.

Is this sort of an Aspie thing? Are we selfish in other ways, but still put other people's feelings before ours?

Thats BS. Selfishness is usually cultural, familial and astrological.

Adding aspergers just makes it more noticeable

though not reciprocating smiles or eye contact could be interpreted as selfish, by those that place value on such activities that aspies do not place value

The first person I got to know on WP said this: Aspergers is like having a diminished sense of self.
He actually meant the opposite of your suggestion. I have been thinking about this alot.

What is more selfish:
Being offended that somebody crosses your invisible lines.

Unintentionally crossing somebodies invisible lines.

?

To the OP: You would not have been selfish if you merely rescheduled your outing with your friend. I have learned after many many mistakes, that it is never selfish to look after yourself. I would allow people to push me into activities, then hate both myself and them for not setting correct boundaries.

Aspies are not more selfish than other people. We do tend to be more self centered in several ways, though.

1. We tend to not relate well to, or be comfortable with others, leading us to draw more into ourselves.

2. We miss a lot of social cues, so we don't respond as expected a lot of times.

3. We also tend to get very caught up in thinking about and doing our own stuff, putting away from us things that other people may want us to do.

4. We often don't deal well with having our own agenda derailed by a sudden change in schedule asked for, or demanded by NTs around us.

None of this is the "drama queen" kind of self centeredness, but NTs often take it that way. Their incorrect assessment causes them to be annoyed with us, and this makes us withdraw into ourselves even more.

There is no way to change the attitude of the NTs about this. We just have to try to let it slide off our backs as much as possible.

My own case is complicated by having additional health problems. I need at least a day's warning of a change in schedule. Two or more days advance notice is much better.

It does help that I now live alone, so I don't have constant, in-house conflicts with people over what I am doing versus what they want me to be doing.

Here's an Aspie poem by Henry David Thoreau. I have always seen myself in it.

A Different Drummer

If a man does not keep pace with his companions,
Perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer.
Let him step to the music which he hears,
However measured or far away.

Askinig for others to understand your quirkiness and then not tolerating theirs.

The ultimate in aspie selfishness.

As Questor talked about, getting caught up in our own things. For me, I get very much involved in my special intense interests, and it can be difficult to try to engage in other people's interests when they want me to. And I often keep to myself. Though I don't consider that being selfish, it could appear that way to some.

I would certainly agree that it is more about self-centeredness than selfishness, as we have a hard time perceiving what is expected of us from an outside point of view. For example, I realize that although I can be social with others and learn what to do to interact appropriately, I find that I also fail to initiate any kind of social action with friends, etc. Not because I don't want to, I simply don't think of it.

It is not natural for us Aspies to consider other's feelings and such as much as our own. It just has to be a continuous conscious effort on our part.

Also, I get the impression that many NTs, when they are being selfish and don't want to be challenged on it, will accuse the other person of selfishness. This puts the person on the defensive and puts the focus on the other person's selfishness instead of their own.

it is actually their defense....the other person probably has been selfish too so they felt justified.

I tend to think not much about both myself and others. Most of my thoughts are occupied with my special interests, which I think about all the time.

I think people take us as selfish because our interests are usually bound deeply in ourselves and we don't tend to be interested in other people's life..
I know that i'm selfish but it's crucial for my spiritual growth since i've always lived for the purpose of others.

I agree, although I wonder if you are using the term "selfish" more in the way I use the term "self centered"

The way I see it is that many people with Aspergers are "self centered" but I don't mean this in a negative way. What I mean is that we are very much caught up in our own worlds and the world that interests us is the one that involves our own interests. The center of our world is ourselves.

I think many NTs misunderstand this kind of self centeredness as being selfish. I'm sure there are selfish Aspies, but probably in the same proportion as in the rest of society. Many of the Aspies I have known have been remarkably generous - actually far more than most NTs I know.

I'm not any more selfish than anyone else. I just don't pretend to care when I really don't.

I have been described as selfish on occasion. I suppose one could debate about what selfishness is for a long time and still not come to a definitive conclusion. Anyway, I am not intentionally selfish but I suppose that I could be perceived as selfish. I think this comes down to poor theory of mind. OK, people with AS can show good theory of mind, the difference between AS and NT theory of mind may be that that people with AS have to reason through to the correct solution whereas NTs seem to be able to do this reasoning off-line somehow.

I do my very best to be thoughtful about others and where I can put others needs first (i.e. not selfish). However, I cannot see the world through the eyes of others. I can only put myself in their shoes and imagine how I would feel/need in their situation. I would then act with the best intention to do whatever I could to address those feelings/needs. Unfortunately, while this would make me happy in that situation, it is not necessarily right for the other individual and my actions can be seen as selfish.

Any advice on how to address this would be greatly appreciated.

Selfish vs. self preservation. I have a situation right now, where I have been accused of being selfish because I want my neighbors to keep the volume of their music at a reasonable level. It seems that I am selfish because I don't want to hear their music when I am in my own living room. I have frequent meltdowns because of their loud music, but I am the one who is selfish. Go figure.