Getting diagnosed

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Hello,

I am new to wrongplanet. I have a question that i know only you folks can help me with.

My wife and I reached the conclusion that I am in the Spectrum. My wife suspected for years that something wasn't quite "right." So, several years ago (seven years, my wife tells me--I'm not too good with the passage of time) we went into our healthcare provider to have me "checked out". We suspected then it was Aspergers. But the very first question I was asked was, "Which of your parents do you hate the most?" My wife and I were horribly upset and we gave up. I felt somewhat "violated" and I was left with the dilemna of trying to figure which of my parents I hated the most! This was not a signpost psychologist I talked to but part of a major medical healthcare provider.

It has become clear to us, though, that I'm in here "somewhere."

My question is, How important is it to be clinically diagnosed. We are 99% sure that I am in the Spectrum. My wife is a public school teacher and deals with children in the spectrum all the time, so she has some frame of reference. And since recognizing AS I look back at my life in retrospect (55 years) and it all "makes sense." I see now why things were the way they were.

So, my question is,

Does it matter to other Aspies who have been diagnosed that I have not been? Would I be considered a second class Aspie? Do I need to prove it to know it?

My wife and I have begun to tell those close to me that I am in the spectrum. But without clinical proof am I considered an interloper?

any feedback would be helpful.

Since Asperger's only became an official diagnosis in 1994, most older Apies don't have an official diagnoses. The main exception being parents of kids diagnosed with
Aspergers--since there is a genetic link it often makes sense to evaluate the parents as well. Typically, insurance will not pay for a diagnosis--those of us who are well off can expect to pay roughly $1500 out of pocket to be evaluated. In many places, there isn't much in the way of support or benefits to be gained by having a diagnosis if you already have a good job.

Thanks.

We did not wish to pursue diagnosis any further. A bit like a balding man going into his barber to see if he is, in fact, really going bald.

Welcome. The most important thing about knowing is that you know yourself.

Hi I recently discovered, from reading books and watching videos, that I am autistic. I am 35 yo and I always knew something was very wrong with me from my birth but I never knew what it was. Nobody never tried to help me in any way. I am very excited now but I am not sure I should go and get a professional, written and certified diagnosis. I am not sure my life would be better with that piece of paper. I think it would be just the same or even worse.

The most important thing is to just know that you have it and accept it.

a real diagnose isn't needed for any reason.

If you are an older Aspie, it is pretty obvious, based on life experiences, to decide whether or not you have Aspergers. But, it is expensive for a professional to pin down an official diagnosis, since we have had decades to develop adaptations to get around our issues. Remember, the purpose of a diagnosis is to determine whether or not you qualify for disability assistance and benefits--not to determine how your brain is actually wired. This differs from a medical diagnosis, in which the proper diagnosis is necessary to determine a course of treatment, which can be very expensive and risky. You might look into MS treatments, for example, to see treatments that are costly and potentially deadly.

http://www.thestar.com/news/article/894 ... ves-deadly

In effect, initially I was thinking about diagnosis in order to get recognition and respect, maybe benefits; but then I do not know exactly how these things work: maybe I would be treated as an handicapped, especially by the people who are ignorant about these condition, eventually resulting in losing my job and my wife! In general, every time I try something new it always goes bad! So maybe it is better to keep everything the way it is: I am not very happy, it is probably not going to last very long, but at least I know what I have!
I thought maybe I could finally get some friends through one of these websites of people like me; but then again, if Neurotraditionals do not ever answer me no matter what I write to them, why should Aussies and Auties be better?

True! How can non-empaths empathize? I personally have had great financial and martial difficulties being in the Spectrum. It's a miracle my wife has stuck it out with me. What about those who really are and have suffered because of AS? How can we not think of it as being a handicap? The only "happiness" that I come away with from all this is that I am not crazy, or some sort of anti-social sociopath! But other than that I'm not quite ready to wear it as a badge of honor.

I, too, think my wife is a miracle; and, as such, better for me to be happy about that! But nobody ever believes she married me for "love", everybody thinks, since 2004 when I married, that she must be looking for something completely different. For me, I don't know, as I don't know what is "love", or "friendship", or any other "sentiment" or "emotion". All I know is that, people who were talking to me before the wedding any time they didn't have anything better to do, that is once in a blue moon provided it would have been short and they would have the company of their friends to distract them from me, just after the wedding stopped talking to me altogether. So I am left alone with my wife, but to this day I am not sure she "loves" me. I think she is probably better than my mother, as I believe my mother is totally indifferent to me.
All in all, I see all my workmates and neighbours at the phones with their friends all the time, or anyway talking to their friends ( never to me ), mostly or only about the most useless topics, most probably promptly forgotten, "just for the sake of conversation". I do not understand this, but I think it is a wastage of time while I am trying to spend my time more constructively, by trying to learn something or meditating trying to understand something to improve my life and maybe not only my life. I cannot express myself, but I think there probably is a Superior Being who understand and can act for me where I can't.

Firstly, they're Neurotypicals, not Neurotraditionals. ;-P

Secondly, don't you already have answers here to what you wrote? This one being one of them...

Thirdly, because we're different. If Aspies didn't provide some form of social support for each other here, these forums plain wouldn't exist. You are not the only one who has been alienated from other forums, but strangely enough it seems we haven't alienated each other yet.



There is no need for us to feel what you are feeling, because we already feel it ourselves. I wouldn't call this empathy. It's closer to "common ground". I don't particularly like it either, and I wish I was normal most of the time. The benefits I have from AS (not financial mind you, I mean intellectual) do not compensate me adequately from what society denies me. That said, I can't say I treat AS as a badge of honour the way some of the others do, I treat it more like an exclusive membership card, with instant access given to likeminded people with whom I can get some of my loneliness abated.

Postscript: Welcome to the forums for people from the wrong planet. We're already on the wrong planet as it is, so I feel weird saying "welcome to wrongplanet.net", but welcome to the forums.

Postpostscript: And you know that there's something abnormal with me simply from the fact that I actually type out postscript as opposed to "P.S." like the rest of the world does.

I am happy for having found some friends, in you guys..

As I tried to say, I am not exactly happy for being the way I am, because I cannot neither initiate nor maintain any kind of human relationship, which involve I can only find jobs that do not involve social interaction ( I have been working as a kitchen porter for most of my life, KP being the only job that I know where you only have to stay in one corner, on your own, and just simply wash plates ); BUT I think that MAYBE I am somehow superior to the cooks and all the other "normal" people who think they know everything that is best to know, and know it to the best: I think I know better, because I would learn everything they know if they would teach me PLUS I know that everybody and everything is important, which is something that seems impossible for them to understand..

Jobs are jobs, liking them is good, but not compulsory.

Heck, in my opinion I could live a pretty comfortable life with about US$1-1.5k equivalent, and it's not hard at all to find a job that pays that. For pure survival, US$500 is more than enough already. In addition, Hell completely underpays us, I believe in most places getting US$2000+ is not too difficult.

Happiness is quite another thing. Money does help, but there are limits to its capability as well. I find getting a good, sustainable hobby helps more than anything else. If you do like all the cooking stuff and such, you could always pick up a few books, practice at home... in time your capabilities may well exceed that of the current cooks, and you might be able to make a case to change to cooking instead of just washing plates. Interviews and qualifications are one thing, but cook up something that is good enough to make the management shed tears when they eat it, and they'd have to be complete idiots not to offer you the chance to cook for them instead. I don't know if that's your interest. Whatever it is, when we focus our abilities in it we tend to do pretty well. Perhaps that is compensation for the areas in which we are below par.

If your interest is in golf, then you can be a sub-par golfer and be appreciated for it.

The other thing is the expectation thing. I find happiness for me to be defined by the relationship between my situation and my expected situation, so oddly enough dropping expectations actually makes me happier, and sustainably so.

As much as it is easy and tempting to look at what others have that we do not, it's hardly productive. I do wish I was born Neurotypical at times, but since I know that is impossible, I get more return out of spending time to do what I can actually do, and in some of those areas, I get the reverse from the NTs - some of them say they wish they were born with that ability (though I doubt they'd like to take the ability if the whole AS complex comes with it as a set). I don't believe so much in "minimising weaknesses" as some do, I find it inefficient. Rather, I'd like to maximise my strengths, and hope damn hard that I can find a partner (could be a friend, could be a spouse, I'm not picky really), who has strengths that lie where my weaknesses are.

I haven't found that person yet, but in time, after meeting enough, by sheer numbers such a person should appear. In the meantime, I'll survive on my own.

Socially, I've largely given up trying on many avenues. I still do approach all new situations openly, but once I know some relationships to be hopeless (again, can be either friendly or romantic types), I just throw those out the window completely and spend my time elsewhere. I may or may not have another life ahead of me, but my current life, at least, is definitely limited, and screwing with it wouldn't be a good idea.

As for any need to talk, that's funnelled mainly to my mom (who actually does appreciate it, despite being a NT herself) and on these forums. Helps stave off the feeling that nobody cares about my existence. Sure, I'd like to find a true friend who can stick with me and walk with me, but until then, strangers who understand my situation are superior to acquaintances who wouldn't attend my funeral if I died the next day.

I am not lucky at all with hobbies: I believe I had very good ideas, would have I put them on paper at this time I would probably be famous and you would be reading about me in some magazine or something; but because of depression, largerly due to bullying, I completely brainwashed my mind. I cannot help but forget almost everything that comes into my mind, no matter how good it is. I remember I read several times about famous people who made remarkable discoveries or inventions that came after I had already thought about it. All I think is that anything we know, about anything, wouldn't have been discovered by the people who discovered it, would have been found by somebody else anyway, maybe at a slighty later date. So basically nobody is essential and nobody is great, not even Einstein or Darwin.
But I still would just love to do something "great" for somebody..

I brainwashed myself so good about cooking, all I can "cook" right now is just really a cup of tea, provided that involves no more than pouring some hot water from the kettler onto 1 or 2 teabags..
Due to bullying I gave up all my skills, about jobs or achievement and I am now a good for nothing. I had to give up my most of my morning and evening routines, ( involving doing the same things in the same order every day no matter what, something you develop with Autism ) due to parental pressure, which caused scars in me; the same way I had to give up all my internal world of expectations about work and life.
But I am happy because I found a wife, who possibly compensate somehow for the total lack of friends and relatives, although I cannot communicate much with her, and now possibly some friends, in you! I have no idea what a friend is, I see other people they have different degree of friendship: friends, acquaintances, best friends, etc. So for me anyone talking to me at all is my friend! So you are my friends!!