So who's really more desperate?

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I always wondered about the desperate stigma.

and I always wondered who's more of these men is more desperate for a relationship:

The one who takes the "asking out more than 10 to 20 women per month?" (in other term taking the "shotgun approach" , spraying shots at distance on a herd of ducks and takes whatever it hits),
Yet he appears confident, never whines , and always takes action? And this type of man often end up with a girlfriend because he keeps trying till he gets one.


Or the one who's very choosy with who to approach, because he has very specific standards of the woman he would like to have relationship with, but would often complains about not having luck or being unattractive? (and this type of man often stays single for longs periods because he asks few girls in his lifetime yet still waiting.)

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 23 Sep 2011, 4:16 am, edited 3 times in total.

I think it really depends on the mindset and intention behind each of their actions. The first could be desperate to have any sort of company and is scared to be alone. The second could be desperate to find the right one, but has self conscious issues?? The first sounds for desperate sense he has taken such action as to not be lonely, while the second apparently isn't desperate enough to lower his standards. This is if I'm perceiving desperation the same way.

Umm Asking out every woman you come across is very shallow in my opinion. You obviously can't fall in true love with all of the 10-20 women you ask out per month that's just crazy. This approach can rarely lead to true love and I would never ask a girl out just to declare: "Oh, I have a GF". The question you need to ask yourself is do you care about true love, or do you only care about your relationship status (whether being single or not).

Being choosy is a way better approach IMO, because that way when you find your match, you know there is true love and therefore your relationship is more stable and both sides will have fun being with each other. But whining in the forums desperate about being dateless and how all chicks are evil for not dating you makes me just surprised at the dude and makes me question is sanity and world of view.

Why should one be desperate for relationship? if you'll be desperate and whine all day sitting at home crying you'll never find someone who'll want to be with you. Want you need is to buck up, and it will come naturally WHEN IT COMES.

First: Sorry but I dont think that having a competition on who has it worse is going to help anyone's situation, unless of course you intend to have a paty party afterwards and Im invited .

In all seriousness you are giving two groups that are too big, some males that ask every woman they meet out may be more desperate than those that have some sort of standard(ie having been doing the same thing for a while still getting rejected...), other males may have some luck with the shotgun approach every now and then and imo are therefore less desperate.
Same applies to the ones with specific standards some are more desperate than the ones with the shotgun approach some arent.

Also we'd have to consider if being in a relationship is one of this males priorities or not. Ie: if its a priority he would be more desperate than if he has other things to worry about but would still like to be in a relationship of some sort.

I think the first approach isn't uncommon among men, at least I have witnessed many, and even in this forum there are men using it..

www.wrongplanet.net/postt77685.html
www.wrongplanet.net/postt94773.html

^ in these 2 threads, you can obviously see what I mean, and there's two dating concepts who are completely different among males.



Also, I often hear "Dating is a numbers game" from men and women.

But I think that the second one is often seen more desperate by society because of his complaining (or to a higher degree, whining), while the other stops being desperate once he gets a gf, but was he REALLY less desperate than a man of the first type when he was asking out girls left and right?

It depends if he likes them or not?



That's not desperate, just whiny.

Desperate is dating/hooking up with anyone regardless of whether they meet your "standards" or not. Desperate is also people who won't leave others alone when they show that they are un-interested.

But not all those who use the 2nd approach whine/complain. Not all of them are desperate for relationship. There is a 3rd approach of just living life without being obsessed about have a GF and waiting for it to come, while trying to go interesting places and meet new people or seeing the world.

Sure there's 3rd, 4th ...nth.

But I am comparing only between those two.

Dating is a numbers game, the more you ask women/men out the more chance you will get a "yes".

But I wouldn't use this kind of thing, I remember talking to my father about his mate a year ago that his friend would always ask a girl to come back to his place for coffee after a night out and it was usually a no but it took 4 years for some girl to finally say "yes".

The point is, yes dating is a numbers game but it doesn't give you the 100% chance of getting the right girl and even then it might take a very long time to get even one yes, the only thing you can do is go to places where you like to be (like gamescon or E4 as an example) and start looking for a woman/man there.

Personally, I view a relationship as just a + in my life, sure being in a relationship is lovely and knowing someone cares about you is great but I can live without a woman in my life, I have my family and hobbies plus going to college isn't a walk in a park either so why would I need a woman when all my needs are met? I got people who care about me and I have a busy life, the only thing thats missing is sex and to be honest, I can live with not having sex.

That's how all men/women should view a relationship as at the end of the day, its just a +, not a need to live.

Ahhh okay. If so the 2nd method users are more desperate IMO. Because those who ask 20 girls a month have confidence (I think it was already said here) and they have no problem getting girls at all. Any relationship is started by taking risk (no pain no gain). A man has to step outside his confort zone and those who ask 20 girls a month, will probably not find a true love, but they do have the necessary tools to do so when they do find the right girls.

The complaining guys that say oh I am so unatracttive dates won't date me might have low self confidence and self esteem problems. So that makes them even more depressed and those types of feelings can cause one to regress into their own world.

I think any guy is desperate if he:

(a) complains about not having a girlfriend. If a man focuses on being the best person he can be (fit, healthy, successful, self-respecting, confident), he will give off an aura that attracts women, even if he isn't blessed with "natural" good looks, intelligence or charisma. Anybody can cultivate attractiveness. The idea is to stop complaining about not having a girlfriend and use that energy to instead improve oneself.

(b) asks random women out. This reflects low self-esteem because any woman will do. A man with self-esteem is always selective about whom he will share his time and his life with. He has standards, and these standards are based not only on appearence.

You know, there is a middle ground between crazed PUA and someone who doesn't make an effort at all.

But the men Ive known who used a true shotgun approach and lived by "all cats are gray in the dark", simply didn't care. They seemed unphased by rejection. But the details depend on the individual. There is more than one type from what Ive seen.

If I choose to view them negatively I might use words like compulsion and narcissism. But another way to view it is that they just have more appetite for risk and attention than I do. Or they just honestly find more people attractive than I do. I think a few want to rotate partners because they fear intimacy. I think many are good at it and get their ego stroked by doing it. If you're good at something and it rewards you, you want more. It validates. Or it can be an addiction. Women can fall into this pattern as well. Ive known a few f**** maneaters.

If I'm understanding the point of the OP, isn't there a hybrid of the two? What if one is really choosy, realize this cuts down the odds significantly, and therefor realizes he must ask out a lot of women before he finds one that fits his standards? That doesn't feel desperate at all.

I mean, what's the underlying point of the OP? To determine the best approach?

How are you going to know whether a woman meets your criteria unless you ask her out and spend some time with her? Unless the only criteria you care about are looks.

And as far as looks go; if a man truly does not see 20 women a month that he finds attractive, then he either has ridiculously specific tastes or he really needs to leave the house more.

The so called "shotgun approach" isn't necessarily as random as it might seem. No, I never asked out 20 women in a month. But, when I was single, five or six a month wasn't uncommon. And I'd try to flirt with pretty much every woman I met. Usually very poorly, but occasionally quite well. Practice, you know?

You don't need to be confident to ask. In fact, I've been quite confident that a girl was going to shoot me down, but asked anyway. Sometimes they surprise you. And just because you ask doesn't mean you have no problem getting girls. It's just that if you don't ask, you're certain not to get girls.

That's me for sure.

I'm sorry for my frequent whining binges, but it's usually in response to a specific recent rejection and it really does help me cope/get over it faster.

I try to be patient with others as well, as long as it occasional and they are otherwise trying hard to improve themselves...