A lot of blabbering and a theory

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I could probably go on for pages with this, but I'll try to summarize it as much as possible.

In freshman year of high school I fell in love with a girl named Anne. I don't know if it was something screwed up with my head from AS or just the simple fact that she was heartstoppingly beautiful, but I fell for her hard, really hard. I can tell you with complete honesty that in the last four years I haven't gone for longer than a few minutes without thinking of her. There's really nothing I can say that would possibly describe her.

Even from the first second I saw her, I somehow knew that I wasn't good enough for her. I knew I had Asperger's, but I had no idea what that meant. I just felt so much different from her in some huge, intangible way.

I guess you all know what comes next. During my high school career, I couldn't take my eyes off of her in any class I had, excepting of course the times when she might have seen me. I took the long way around school every morning just so I could catch a glimpse of her at her locker. I never once approached her. We had a mutual friend, but I rarely saw her outside of school.

To cut a long story short, I went through all four years of high school like that. And nearing the end of it, I really felt like total garbage for not being able to just walk up to her and spill everything. At the last possible minute of our high school class' last meeting together, a graduation party, I walked up to her and gave her a letter explaining everything. And I walked away. I knew a letter was the coward's way out, but it was still the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It was that or nothing.

I haven't heard from her since then, and it doesn't surprise me a bit. Even so, during the following summer, there were a lot of nights when the only reason I lived through them was because I was too much of a coward to kill myself. I don't blame Anne for that any more than I blame my mother for giving me these genes. That was just when I came to realize that I was going to be alone my entire life and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

Coming to this message board was the closest I'd ever come to accepting my uniqueness. I didn't expect to find any answers here, but I came anyway. Reading the posts here got me thinking about things I'd never even considered before. I read stories of husbands and wives getting married without even knowing of each others's AS. And I saw this post, where Rakkety_Tamm finds out that his girlfriend has Asperger's just like he does. It made me wonder about the astronomically small probability of that really happening without some third influence.

I thought of how I found girls to be total strangers that I could never truly understand. More importantly, I remembered a girl I knew a couple months ago, the one girl that didn't seem like the others. She wasn't spectacularly beautiful by society's standards, but she wasn't ugly. She moved with a "clumsy grace" (screw english, you know what I mean). Her voice was pretty unremarkable, but I was always able to pick it out in a crowd. She made sense. Not really knowing why, I found myself a bit crazy about her. I had planned to ask her out on a date, and hell, I came damn close to working up the courage to do it, but this time, I chickened out.

Although I barely knew her, and only for a short time, I'm pretty confident that she had Asperger's syndrome. I wouldn't have even considered something like that up until a few days ago, when I came here.

Let me propose a theory: I believe that for the majority of people with Asperger's syndrome, they gravitate towards other people with AS far more than any others, whether consciously or unconsciously. I fell in love with Anne, but I knew from day one that it wouldn't have worked, and she knew it too. I want to know what you people think about this.

Well after reading that, I don't think it's a very good to put across AS as a "disease".

Dictionary.com defines disease as "A pathological condition of a part, organ, or system of an organism resulting from various causes, such as infection, genetic defect, or environmental stress, and characterized by an identifiable group of signs or symptoms." I don't know as much about the terminology of AS as most of the people here, but AS does seem to fit that definition. Of course if there's a better term to use, let me know I'll edit my post.

How about you call AS a "uniqueness"?

Changed.

I would go through similar stuff when I was at school- I would adore someone from a distance for years and never pluck up the courage to talk to them about how I felt.

Luckily for me Dunc was one of those people- I didn't notice him much until he came into one of my classes in year 12 to talk to the teacher- he said he was taking a year off and would be back the next year. I waited all year for him to come back and he never did! But luckily we bumped into each other on a night out when we were 17 and we've been together since then. If it hadn't of been for the fact that we both drunk when we meet up I would never had the courage to talk to him (or even be out and not hiding in a corner ) in the first place.

I do often think that perhaps we were attracted to each other because we were both struggling to fit in and I think we've stayed together so long because we are so alike and we just 'get' each other.

I'm not attracted to anyone with AS.. I've never gravitated to them at all. I'm not really attracted to anyone else either.

As much as I would like to run into an AS girl I seem to also attract very NT girls. Most of them have been caring and generally very nice girls, who are surprisingly deep.