Very attractive girl says...All I had to do was wait...

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Have you guys read this?

I especially like the last part, "all I really had to do was wait." suggesting that waiting is the name of game in the field of love. While I don't doubt that for people like her (A physically attractive female that happens to be better at relating with guys) that waiting would be all that's needed, I feel like saying "Good for you! That doesn't work for everyone! Not every one is born to be beautiful, eloquent nor female.". Seriously, this kind of post seems to be on the same level as President Bush writing a journal entry on how all he had to do was wait to become president, since becoming president is actually rather easy despite the impression we mere mortals have of it being rather difficult, just as finding love seems to be rather difficult for the average aspie male. (And it was especially easy for him since his father obviously passed on his legacy. How else could he've attained presidency given his obvious lack of other desirable presidential qualities?).


So her post is a rather empowering optimistic message that applies to those who need it the least: Beautiful, witty, feminine females. Everybody else has the choice between accepting a stark reality and adapting to it or swallowing a pill of unwarranted optimism and blindly hoping that waiting suffices.

[Her post honestly sounds like someone gloating on how easy it is for someone with her looks. I know she probably didn't do it intentionally, but if it were an NT, I'm sure they'd be aware this would be equivalent to rubbing it in everyone's faces for the less fortunate that reside in the dating sub-forum and it'd be rude.]

did you read the rest of the post?

It didn't come across as gloating at all. It was commentary on what she perceives as the difference in how being a male, and being a female impacts dating on the spectrum. She pointed out how it can trip up a man's chances, because autism typically impairs social skills, which for a man, are important be.....I'll stop right there. The ones who get it, get it, and the others never will.

The point IS, she IS a woman, and if she thinks some aspects are easier for women, she's entitled to that. And she never tried to dictate anyone else's reality.

But you're right. If she said that in Love and Dating there'd be squeals of protest from the usual suspects.

Well, that is the only experience she knows first-hand. It truly might not have occurred to her that what she wrote might make people in a different situation feel bad. I can imagine someone working their way through college overhearing some rich some ivy-league kids talk about their vacation in Aspen, and feeling pissed off about it. It's thoughtless of the rich kids, but also (probably) not intentional.

I never found it to be the case for me. Her blog is just her experience. She is a pretty young woman who found out about her AS young and got in touch with an AS community, and met a great boyfriend with AS. A lot of women are not so lucky, AS or not.

I didnt know about my AS until I was 25 and didnt meet a lot of people with AS until I was 29.

I went out a lot in my 20s and met many men but none who I connected with enough, excepting a small handful but it didnt work out with them.

So I pretty much just dated all over the place, still havent found Mr Right. I feel really annoyed when someone says to me that I have an advantage because I am female.

Statistically if you look to see about the gender balance of who is single in their 30s, there is a 50/50 balance, which indicates that no gender has a unique advantage- the path of relationships is a complex one for all.

Did you entirely miss "This is an area where girls have the advantage over guys."... or even in the last sentence "In the end, all I really had to do was wait." that she said "I had to" not "you have to".

She never said you had to wait, she said that's what she had to do, and that she had an advantage in being female there.

There are advantages and disadvantages of being female and and aspie compared to male and an aspie, none of which apply to all of us females (at least that's what I think), but she's writing about being a female aspie, not just an aspie. She's writing about herself.

As for whether or not that advantage exists, I think its likely easier to just wait as a female, but females also are more likely to do things like sell their body for attention and end up regretting it later. Just being female won't suddenly make someone find love, any more than just being NT will. Her talking about her experiences can help some, it won't mean anything to others, that's just how it is, we're all individuals.

Yes, you do have an advantage in getting dates because you're a female, especially if you're young, because males are the one expected to do the move, and the move requires social skills. This is a fact, you can keep denying it day and night, but it won't change :p. Even Kristen agrees with us on this one.

And before you tell me that doesn't make it easier to find Mr. right, please bare in mind that males also need to find Ms. Right too, so they have to ask out + finding Ms. right.

But that advantage doesn't mean it's a 100% guarantee that every AS female will have a boyfriend, there's no guarantee for anything, so don't be offended. And it's not an everlasting advantage.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 06 Oct 2011, 5:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

A lot of women do, but a lot don't, and they're the ones that can't admit their sex has ANY advantage. They somehow tie it with a victim stance, and it's like they assume you're blaming women for your troubles, but it's just the way it is. If you're the one expected to do the hunting and be outgoing and in control of the situation, and you have a disorder hugely known to impede social skills, well, of course it's going to be harder. You'd think it would register, but I guess not. I'm not saying dating is EASY for aspie women, but it's not as hard. I'd honestly like them to have to live as an aspie guy for about a month, and see what it's like to have to be the brave one for a change.

It's like saying it's just as traumatic for a man to lose their hair to chemo as it is a woman. Like hell it is. Or it's like saying walking through a strange neighborhood at one AM unarmed is every bit as dangerous for a guy as for a woman. I don't see how. But like I said, the ones who get it, get it. The rest will disagree no matter what the f**k you tell them.

Getting away with statutory rape or at least avoiding jail time for it is much easier for women. But most of them will disagree since they like to play the victim with everything.

It depends on what the advantage is in reference to. Women have an advantage in getting dates, and men have an advantage keeping dates. Of course, you could view it as "generally having an easier time" because some men have an easy time getting dates and some women have a tough time getting dates. It depends on the person and what they have to offer to a potential suitor. Taking dating out of context, it's easy to forget that everyone is different.

There are reasons why women become defensive about the advantage.

Typical scenario one: Woman has been asked out on many dates, had two ex boyfriends, still hasn't found a lasting long term relationship.

Typical scenario two: Man has gone on two dates, never had a girlfriend, still hasn't found a lasting long term relationship.

Both are still in the same boat under one context. But the guy would still consider her lucky because she actually has had boyfriends and relationship experience. While the woman would still become defensive if he says anything about her having an advantage as she thinks about her crappy relationship experiences. Neither party is right/wrong here. Just viewing the same situation from a different perspective.

Very well said, poeticwrongplanet

Second this.

i skimmed what she read, and i was not interested in it enough to then go back and read it in detail, but i understand that the gist of what she said was "it will happen for you too in time".

she is now happy, and she thought she would never be happy, and she cares to say what she can to share (with those she feels sorry for), what her journey to contentment entailed.

your opinion of the same thing i read is laced with envy and bitterness in my opinion (simple as it may be). you see it a different way than i do.

i do not have any negative reaction to seeing other people who are happy.
i admit that i also have no positive reaction, but i have a neutral reaction which is "no" reaction at all.

i could not care less whether people are cuddling or going on picnics and whatever rigmarole they go through.

bitterness is ugly.

i have a reasonable brain for calculations, and i look ok, and i seem to be reasonably successful to people. but by far, the most serious infliction i have is a severe deficit of emotional capacity.

i can not pine for what i never knew.
i can not be homesick for where i never lived.

i will never have a serious "peer" type relationship because i can not reciprocate because i do not "feel" what they want me to. i feel nothing. i just acknowledge what people say.

even being so uninvolved in the proceedings of the world as i am, i still know some girls who always treat me in a special way (they do not know me yet personally), because they think that i am happy and secure, and they then feel free to be intrigued about what i am thinking about, and i
may tell them some detailed things and they may become mentally engaged , then, at some point, i recoil like a snapped rubber band, and my conversation is over.

do you know how many people i have missed out on knowing because of my inability to see them as more than "interviewees"?

neither do i, but i am quite content with how things are anyway. i do not need to know the answer.


i would dislike to be always in a state of anxiety like you seem to be.

To be honest, I rolled my eyes at the original blog myself.

The writer of the blog is a very attractive young woman. She would have young men approaching her, even if her social skills or ability to "flirt" were below average.

At her age, I was merely average looking and slightly overweight and larger (I'm 5'8). If I had just sat around waiting for young men to approach me - I would be sitting around waiting still....

I had to develop social skills and learn to put myself into places where there would be potentially single men who would share my interests and weren't completely shallow. I also had to learn to approach people and make conversation, allowing them to notice me for the wonderful, intelligent, person that I am. Then they would notice that I am also attractive (although not an Uma Thurman look alike )

Don't get me wrong - I am quite happy with myself and like the way that I look. However, I remember how shallow people were in the teens and twenties. Women like myself are attractive, but most men don't start getting interested in us until they reach their thirties and have matured a bit.

In any event - I am happy that the blogger is functioning well and at peace with herself and her relationships. I just don't think that she speaks for every woman out there, whether they are on the spectrum or NT).

I'm surprised that no one here has brought up the fact that her current boyfriend is an Aspie nothing remotely like the "Alpha bad boys" that some guys here insist that "all" women want.

It should be extremely encouraging, but everyone focuses on some perceived negative point...