My Aspie Boyfriend is Controlling--Normal?

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My Aspie boyfriend is very controlling. EVERYTHING I mean EVERY thing has to be done his way or else he gets very irritated. The music, the movies we watch, the food we eat-- he always already decides what we are going to do. Is this normal for Aspies to be controlling and dominating? I have always assumed his "dominating" behavior is due to Asperger Syndrome. Or is it just that he is just simply "controlling" or again, does Asperger's make him that way? Is it normal? I don't have a problem with it because I love him regardless. I'm just curious on if the "controlling, aggressiveness" is just a part of his personality or because of Asperger Syndrome.

I am seen as controlling but I am not that way. I let my husband eat whatever he wants and do what he wants or let him watch whatever he wants and I do my own thing. I also let him listen to his own music. I don't tell him what to do.

Perhaps a compromise would do. You each have your own meals, listen to your own music by using head phones, go out and do your own things during the day, when one of you watches TV, do you own thing and when he has nothing on TV to watch, you watch whatever you like.

it is not really normal to be controlling, but it is understandable.
many aspies have sensory issues that make it hard to tolerate several clothing materials, sounds and/or foods, so it is understandable that this person would try to minimize exposiure to such input.

most aspies with such problems i know have learned to compromise in this manner, but it looks like your boyfriend has not

First off, you probably won't have much luck trying to change his eating habits. You might, but if he's a really picky eater, that might be a lost cause and you're probably better off agreeing to have separate meals. As for the other stuff, you're going to have to put your foot down and counterbalance his domination. You can't let him walk all over you. AS is no excuse for that. You have needs too, and you're a person just as much as he is. He's just in a mode where he perceives the structure of the relationship to be centered around him, which is not good for you, nor him, nor the relationship, and it's something he will have to get over, especially if you don't feel comfortable with it. You have to assert yourself, remind him that you are his equal, not his employee. You can't let him shoot you down all the time. Make your case. If he loves you, he will realize that he's not being fair to you and he will accept you as his equal. If he doesn't do that even gradually, then you are clearly not the reason he's in the relationship to begin with.
In summary, forget about the food, but if he doesn't respect you as an equal individual with equally important needs and desires, he's better off having some alone time and you're better off not wasting yours on someone who doesn't even see you as a person. If he loves you, he will make an honest and noticeable effort to adapt.

moved from General Autism Discussion to Love & Dating

I'm not sure if it is an Aspie trait or not, though I can see how it could be. I struggle with this only because it's a matter of feeling secure in a routine. For me, it's not about controlling someone else, per se, as a means in and of itself, or some power trip.

And I say struggle because I'm actually working on breaking myself out of Aspie comforting routines, so I'm taking more risks, challenging myself.

Perhaps if you look at your bf's control issues as a need for the security of routine, you can both learn how to deal with it? I certainly don't think YOU have to fall into his routines, nor be under his control. But what this means, as the poster above said, is that you might have to eat different meals than he, etc.

I think there may be a difference between "controlling" and "particular". I.e., someone who is particular may insist on running his life his own way, need to spend time away from you to do his own things, and insist you not mess with his stuff. I think the majority of aspies are this way, at least to some degree.

A very controlling person might not only insist you not disrupt his life, he might also try and dictate what you can do when you're away from him (which friends you can see, what hobbies you can pursue, etc.).

it likely is. aspie's don't like surprises or change. they like when things are predictable. so they like to be in control.

regardless, too controlling is bad.

I think the OP's definition of "controlling" is a bit weak. "Oh, we have to watch what he wants to watch" isn't what I was afraid of reading when I was looking down the list of threads. That's "immature", not "controlling".

Controlling is when he tells you who you can be friends with and what clothes you're wearing and whether you can get a job or not.

Is your boyfriend only picky about things that affect him like for example wanting to decide the food he eats or is he controlling about things that don't affect him like does he tell you what food you should eat Being picky about things that affect em is a bit part of AS for some people(I can be extremely picky about things that affect me like the food I eat, music I listen to ect) but being contorting is the main component of Obsessive Compulsive Personality(my dad has that & he puts on the radio when he's not around to listen to it because he wants my mom to hear it & he tells my mom what to do with her time) Obsessive Compulsive Personality has a lot of overlapping symptoms with AS

Last edited by nick007 on 11 Oct 2011, 2:32 am, edited 2 times in total.

Thanks. I love him regardless of his controlling personality. I just don't know if it is AS or not...

Then why does it matter if it is associated with AS or not? I don't get it. If it's associated with AS, does that give you an excuse to accept bad behavior, to accept being treated poorly?

Controlling another person is not an inherent trait of AS, but it may be a side effect of other AS traits (such as a need for routine and comfort). This can be worked around. For example, if he doesn't want to be subjected to certain music, that's understandable, but if he doesn't want you listening to it on your own, that's unacceptable. Similarly, if he subjects you to certain music against your will, which makes you uncomfortable, you have to remind him that he's doing to you what he wouldn't want you to do to him. If he doesn't care about that, he simply doesn't love you and you should get out of the relationship ASAP. You may love him, but there are ways of knowing if it's mutual, and if it isn't, you should get out before you get stuck.
Basically, you can allow him routine and comfort without allowing him to make you his dog. If he's not willing to try that, he should be alone and you should find someone better.

Being controlling of others like that is a sign of Obsessive Compulsive Personality NOT AS. My dad's like that with my mom & he really does love her but it simipl;y does not enter his mind at all that she does not like some of his music & when me or her make comments about it; he believes we are joking about her not liking it. My mom accepts that that is the way he is because he is incapable of understanding & their relationship works quite well for them because mom does her own stuff when dad isn't around

What I'm saying is if it is a side effect of AS traits, it can be dealt with as it's in that case not directly the traits themselves but a situation of not having found a healthy way of coping with certain traits. That is one possibility. Another possibility is that he is, as you say, obsessively controlling as a trait of OCD, which probably takes some more intense work to redirect. What I'm saying is I don't know the guy, neither do you, so we can't really sit here and diagnose the guy. All we can do is deal with hypothetical scenarios (hence my constant use of "if"), and I'm saying there are several possibilities, which require different methods of dealing with, some more difficult than others, and some outright requiring the hard lesson of abandonment if one can't convince the guy to try to change or get professional help.

This all makes a lot of sense. He told me that along with being an Aspie, he has OCD... Is this why?