Sad But True...Emotional Disconnections

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I wrote this last week in my blog that doesn't get much views or any comments. But I wanted some advice on it. I think this fits in this forum as well as the romantic relationship forum.

http://www.aspergersgeek.com/2011/10/sa ... tions.html

I quite often feel disconnected from people emotionally. Whether part of it is fear or something I can only describe as a uncomfortable ickyness. This is causing me some problems or at least it will with finding someone for me. I do want closeness with someone, but I fluctuate from an idea of being close to the people I do know feeling uncomfortable and weird to...well just okay. I've never been the hugging type. I have a friend from HS that likes to hug and there's even someone from work that does that on the rare chance I happen to stop by the store she works at for something and she's there. I usually don't reciprocate or I don't feel any connection at all, if I even try to do the same. It doesn't always feel uncomfortable, but when it doesn't I tend to not feel anything or I feel a little bit.

It's been suggested to me at one time or another that I even can start out as friends with someone and it can turn into more, but if I go into something, not expecting much more, then it just feels icky to have that idea. Like the idea of dating a sibling. That kind of bleh. They're saying I could try, but when you feel like that, you just can't.

I can't even go see my friends or rather ask them if they'd like to hang out. Surely I'd say yes now and then if asked, but I don't really like to make the first contact with that question. I guess that's kind of off the topic. I don't know.

All I know is that emotions can bug the heck out of me and the only time I don't mind them is if I'm watching anime with dramatic moments and feel the need to let some tears go. That I like. It's kind of like emotionally being drawn to something that can't judge you even the slightest. (Is that why I disconnect? judgement?) It's also kind of like letting out things that I feel uncomfortable doing with people. Surely I feel empathetic towards people, but the showing that I care enough is kind of draining and uncomfortable part of the time. So what can I do. It just feels "ew" for some reason. Other times I disconnect enough that I don't mind showing a little something. I'd sooner show it with a hug than with words. I'd sooner type it out than say it verbally. I'd sooner show concern by being there. By listening. By helping. By actions. But I don't know that I can say them. The hug is the line between I can't/I can. It's a sometimes thing when confronted with it.

Emotions are very hard to juggle. Most of the time they have little basis in tangible, understandable things. I don't blame you.

From what I gather is when you start to feel emotional closeness, it just feels icky. Like you just want to run away? Has this adversely affected you in the past, like you ran away from being emotionally close to a person?

You know what, I understand what you're saying. I think I do at least.
I feel like that sometimes too. I just don't have the desire to make the first move, to act first towards someone. I would rather someone else reach out, and then I am as friendly as can be. Friendships just happen, but never because I started it.

Then showing ...I don't know what the word would be, intimacy, emotional...friendshipness, something that shows that you are friends? Showing that is difficult. It is even more difficult because it is not natural to me, and people enjoy different ways of showing it. Some people enjoy hugging, some dislike it extremely. Some people like high fives and jokes, others think it's juvenile. It depends on the person, and it's difficult to tell who would respond best to what.

I actually understand a little bit of what you're talking about. I feel most isolated at big family gatherings or when I am surrounded by my NT friends. I feel like I need to run and hide a corner wth a book. The book doesn't demand emotional content or social confirmations. I think that is what bothers me the most about being an aspie, the loneliness of wanting the connection but the natural instinct of aversion to it.

I only talk around people that I know real well.