Do you find it hard to be nice?

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I theoretically know how to be nice and I can sense, sometimes, when I should be nice because I don't want to offend someone who might be important, but it *sometimes* feels constraining and artificial when I say something nice (And I'm sure it sounds artificial, too.) and *sometimes* I just feel so much more alive and enthusiastic when I'm mean. I know, this is the hallmark of an as*hole, but it seems to be some fundamental part of my underlying neurology that predisposes me to be this way and I have the choice between being nice and apathetic or mean and alive.

This is especially hard for me to accept since it seems society in general seems to prefer niceness and the meanness people I know are dirt poor. Indiscriminately mean people also don't seem to have too many friends.

However, I've seen articles suggesting that there's a positive correlation between wealth and meanness, so maybe "society's preference for niceness" is in reality a conditioning tool for the masses so that the "mean people" can take advantage of them? Maybe the "mean people" are supporting this "be nice" message so they can take advantage of them? (I.e., are as*hole bosses telling employees to "be cooperative and nice" so they can better control them and profit off of them?) I've also often heard in the dating world that the "loser guys" are often the nicest people you'll meet and that jerks get all the girls, so there seems to be some kind of positive correlation between "meanness" and "status". I don't know how the causation works in this case, though. It could be reversed for all I know, and mean people could just happen to have higher status for other reasons and are mean because they can get away with it, not necessarily because meanness elevates their status.

So, do you find yourself with a natural disposition that seems to be at odds with what's "best"? Do you embrace it fully or do you subdue it?

The last thing I want to think is that there's something "wrong with me", because that kind of thinking makes me feel like crap, but I just don't know if this is something that *really* is wrong that "should" be corrected or at least subdued.

Hypothetically, there was a thread where I wanted to say "It's supposed to be spelled "The black bear". Get it right next time." in a thread where they were thanking the community, but that would've been a bit excessive and so I had to rein it in and fake some appreciation for the person.

And, oh, don't worry people, I promise I won't try to be mean if you reply to this thread.

Last edited by swbluto on 22 Oct 2011, 4:07 am, edited 2 times in total.

Hey, can anyone find articles on niceness/meanness? I'm trying to find out what the root causes of niceness/meanness might be and I'm trying to learn more about it from authoritative sources, but I surprisingly can't find anything on wikipedia. I wonder if it's genetic or if there are environmental factors and if there are environmental factors, what are they?

it brings up the old nature/nurture chicken/egg debate. most of us are somewhere on the spectrum between the two extremes of people with rotten upbringings who were the milk of human kindness, and of spoilt brats whose parents gave them love but in spite of that they grew to be monstrous bullies. an interesting true story about the latter kind, was written about in the book "saved by the light" [also a TV movie], the fella's name is danion brinkley, and his correction came not from his father but from the heavens. he was transformed [after months of healing] from cruel to kind in one stroke of lightning.

the better you are the more you can afort to be mean.

I don't relate to it. It's always been in my nature to be kind, and I make myself a bit distant so I don't go overboard, especially with compliments. It's easier to be distant than to be warm, because you don't have to make much effort. People respond much better too.

People are nice to each other to get along, not because it means that much. What you say makes sense about people with authority.

I'm too nice, and it's a problem.

I will do anything for anybody-help when needed and people pick up on that and some use me-but it's seems to be in my nature to be nice and helpful-even though all anyone sees is my faults-until they want or need something.

Actually, quite the opposite. Unless it's towards someone I don't like in the slightest, I tend to be too nice or too generous.

A couple of things that have been said to me/ about me:

"Honey, you don't have a single bad bone in your body"

"You are too nice'

That's the problem, if I'm too nice I get treated like a doormat. That gives me a reason to be angry if they want to do that.....

oh I know I have been told I am nice and a heart of gold and shoult have a "welcome" tattooed on my back-but then people in the same sentence will attack you because of your "personality" and use that as an excuse to exclude you.

I understand this feeling of being more pasionate when saying something mean. I think that sometimes it stems from feeling right about something and needing to correct it. Or feeling something strongly and needing to say it. And when I have to say something nice like 'what a cute baby you have' or if someone says they've had a haircut I know i'm meant to say I like it and I feel fake, it feels forced. I prefer to say things I really feel or mean. If I really have something nice to say I sometimes hold back coz I don't wanna sound fake. Argh!

I'm always analyzing what I have to say trying to assess whether it's appropriate or not.

But your point about society favouring niceness. I personally would prefer to be around a person who is nice and makes me feel positive. I don't care if they are the top of their dield or own a business I just want to be around people who make me happy. Although I do have friends who I disagree with and they disagree with me and that makes for some lively conversations.

I think that animals like being around peope who are kind to them rather than those who are mean. I.e. A dog would love a person who plays with them and pets them rather than a person who ignores them and kicks them about.

Being around a nice person just makes us feel nice.

It' an old saying, but I think it's really bwst to treat other people the way we want to be treated.

As a kid, yes. Espicaly since no one was very nice to me.

I do the same thing, but I'm sure people will have an understanding of why you do what you do or others might look past it because of that.

Expressing sympathy is what's hard for me. If I must do it, it's an act, and one that I'm eager to get over with.
The extent of my natural friendliness is that I never lose my temper.

It makes no sense to be mean to those who don't deserve it. On the other hand there are plenty of people in this world who don't deserve niceness.

If you enjoy being an 'as*hole' as you say, be an as*hole. Just remember to hold it in when around people with the power to hold you back in life (like your boss).