I feel like crap.

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Nothing even seems real, I mean for most of my life I just thought everyone else was insane.....but since the majority seem perfectly happy living their lives with no clue that they are just slaves to this sick society and care so much about putting on good appearances...and being 'apporachable' maybe I'm the one who's insane....after all I have veiws different from society and cannot function within the society. I mean I think I am right about society....but what am I going to do about that there is nowhere for me.....I can't keep going to college and dropping out of college, eventually the IRS or whatever is going to notice that pattren and start harrasing me and I cannot fathom how I can pay the loans back and I can't get a job so wtf, is there to do?


So there is that and also I am afraid I am going to end up pushing people away, so there is nothing between me and my suicidal thoughts......not sure how to stop that. I don't really see why anyone gives a crap to begin with....whatever good things they see in me I certainly don't see.

Have you been able to see a doctor? You sound like you're depressed - the world always seems worse to me when I'm depressed. I think there's a place for you in the world, you just need some help to find it.

Yes I'm depressed, and even though I can see a psychologist 3 times free because of my moms insurance or whatever I am kind of afraid to......I mean I feel like all they will do is recommend I see a psychiatrist because they don't know how to deal with someone so screwed up and think I need anti-depressants or they'll take something I say wrong and think I'm a danger to myself or whatever.

I prefer my psychiatrist to my psychologist - she seems to have more insight into Asperger's and it's co-morbids. I take medications without which I wouldn't be able to function, but it may be different for you.
I wouldn't be afraid to talk to the psychologist, though. They're trained to deal with these sorts of problems - you won't surprise them.

Well all that is covered is three appointments so its not like I have the means of aqquiring a psychiatrist even if it is recomended, and yeah I just don't want another experiance like I had on the SSRI anti-depressants maybe there are options besides SSRIs that aren't as horrible. I just don't really see the point anyways.....I just should not have to use drugs prescribed or otherwise just to feel ok enough to make it through the day it makes me feel even more worthless. and it does not fix that I can't function in this society.

My psychologist does quite well and specializes in AS people. She works rather closely with my doctor to make sure my doctor understands my condition so the doctor can get the right medications for me. Psychologist or psychiatrist, the most important thing is finding one that really understands AS disorders. There is nothing wrong with asking questions or researching someone before making an appointment.

As for society, I would totally have to agree with you and some days it seems like such a bleak world. Struggling with the depression can be very challenging. Yesterday wasn't a good day for me at all. Even though I know being AS makes me in the minority, and often times I am very frustrated with the world, I try to not let it beat me. The most important thing I have found for helping with that is understanding that my little world is ok and it is acceptable to retreat to it at times to relax and recuperate from the frustrations of the universe.

I do take medication to help with depression and anxiety, without it, life would be much more difficult. It may not be the right path for you, but only a doctor can decide that. You won't know if you don't go ask.

And a good doctor can help you get the assistance you need to cope with daily life and basic needs. There is nothing wrong with asking for help and accepting it. Just pay it back by doing what you are good at and interested in.

I hope all of that makes sense and is helpful. I am not always the best cheerleader (big shock for an AS person, eh?), but there I do understand how you feel. I have been there and struggled, and I still struggle everyday. If I quit though, how will I ever get at least some of the other people in the world to realize the craziness of some of the stuff that masses do?

It does bother me to be dependent on drugs to function in the world. But that doesn't = worthless.

Three appointments are better than none. It could be helpful. I wouldn't be afraid of what they'll tell you - you can judge for yourself if it's helpful and just not go back if it isn't.

Uhh yeah I suppose three appointments is better then nothing, but I don't even know if that is long enough to be officially diagnosed with anything......or whatever, don't see what real difference it makes except I might make it onto SSI and be able to quit depending on college for income......I mean taking psychology and sociology is not helping my mental state really and I am not really intrested in anything else the college has to offer. I just feel like I have no reason to go on, but there are people in my life I don't want to hurt by ending it........that is why I'm afraid I am likely to push them away so maybe they won't care as much and I'll feel alone enough to get on with it.

You'll never be able to push them away enough so they won't care. Just take one step forward at a time. The psychologist could be a good resource.

Well I wish I could because I don't want them to have to deal with that, because I honestly don't know how much longer I can keep going. I mean I am likely to screw up this semester of college because I have no motivation and i have little chance of finding a job so it sucks.

I did not feel the need to start a new thread but anyways after the phone call I just made I am pretty sure those three appointments I get because of my moms job or whatever aren't going to help anything. But whatever its free so I might as well see if I get anything out of it. Screw college..............and still feel like if it was not for the few people in my life that give a crap for some odd reason I would definatly kill myself but yeah that probably will not always be enough to stop me when I feel the way I do all the time.

I don't really feel like I am worth anyones time and things would probably be better for everyone if I were dead, sorry to be so depressing but I'm running out of energy for this I can't seem to deal with it all.....college only adds to the depression. Getting a job would only add to it......I don't simply disagree with the way society is, I am honestly kind of freaked out by society......I mean what the hell is wrong with everyone?...I just want to escape this freaking hell hole that is life.

What happened in the call that made you think the psychologist would be useless?

You sound very depressed - talking to your doctor is a good idea. Don't give up hope yet.

It's just the feeling I got and what doctor? its not like I have insurance or enough money to pay out of pocket.

I mean the psychologist. I've been to some good ones and some bad ones. It's hard to know what to expect.

Society is strange - I try to ignore it and just focus on my little piece of it (mainly my apartment.) It's not worth trying to make sense of everything.

I can't seem to ignore it, and I can't seem to make sense of anything at all because everything feels so pointless.

Buying crap does not make me feel better, college is just making me feel worse, even the oh so wonderful cannabis is not making me feel much better anymore it does however decrease my motivation to act on suicidal thoughts which is good. But yeah I just don't know what to do and I cannot even bring myself to tell anyone in real life that I feel so horrible.

It makes sense that shopping and college don't help. They're not supposed to be thereuputic.

Medication would probably help if you got the right balance. If you're running out of options speak to someone about it and give it a go.