So, this might turn into a very long rant about my journey in life uptill today, with many questions and discoveries I feel the need to share along the blob of text.
I'l start off with the basics, I'm 25 years of age, a school dropout, unemployed for about 6 years and pretty much drop everything I attempt because it ends up feeling like I'm losing a part of myself, due to lack of intrest and losing time being able to spend with my special intrests. Gaming. Gaming is my window to the outside world, talking to people via vent, often interrupting them, but they understand. I'm good at it and manage to function in a community, due to being annonymous.
Sure, I have other obsessions, but they seem to change, not frequently, but in comparison to my gaming, enough.
As a child, I remember having severe moodswings, wich could translate to meltdowns, because they always came in the order of stress > depression. I've chameleoned my way through most of my younger years, my first few years at school, I was a genius. When I was picked on the first time, it spiraled me into a depression, that at age 6.
It's a very vivid memory I still have up to today, of me sitting in a bathtub, being bathed by my mother, crying, wondering why I'm alive.
I've had this spiral of stress > depression up to the point where I decided to withdraw myself from the outside world, age 15.
Before I reached this age, I've managed to turn off most of my emotions, without being able to find the on switch again, I think it was mostly survival instincts kicking in.
Having attempted suicide in private twice, and failing at it, at that time I thought I was too much of a failure to even kill myself.
First time, the belt snapped, superior quality my ass. Second time, the belt was leather, but the pipe broke off from the wall, hitting me in the head. Lesson learned.
I live a pretty secluded life, I get rejected from alot of jobs, and the jobs I do get accepted for, go wrong for reasons stated above.
I have a girlfriend and a best friend, the best friend wants to visit alot, but gets the ignore treatment for pretty much 3 weeks of the month, and she knows why I have to do it.
I'm lacking of empathy and I'm botherd that my last 3 sentences seem to start with I.
But now, onto the current part of my life, I avoid social things and work, the first one isn't really a problem. The work part, is something I can't keep putting off. I want to work, badly, but it seems that mentally I can't.
My way of unloading is gaming, my laser beam focus pretty much makes me lose sight of anything around me, I at times forget to eat, I don't hear people talking to me during and it seems during these moments, I feel fantastic, they feel like the greatest gift I've recieved in life.
I'm currently taking xanax, they seem to make my life more manegable, appearantly I have alot of anxiety, so much I even din'd notice alot of the symtoms and quirks I have, that my girlfriend and best friend tell me I have. I have alot of routines, I interlock my fingers and stretch the other ones out with them alot, especially during moments that I'm trying to listen to voices. (real voices btw, felt the need to point that out.) I also shake my feet alot, since I'm mostly sitting down, and when I can't do that, I seem to move my hands strangly or tap my leg, or even take weird postures where my arms are stretching out one other.
I often feel irritated and angry when I'm asked to do something at the spur of the moment, I need to have everything planned, prefferedly a day in advance.
The best example of this is the following, my mother was recently hospitalized and is back home, her appendix burst and infected her stomache, she can't do alot of stuff right now, when she asks me to do something, as in right now, I feel irritated, knowing I shouldn't feel irritated, because it's not right, doesn't seem to help at all.
Yet, xanax seems to create a space for me, to tell her, I'l do that in X minutes, to mentally prepare myself better.
It's also thanks to xanax where I am noticing my own oddities more, I've often felt from a different planet, it's only since the last few months, after looking up a variaty of things, and aspergers feeling just right for me, that I've began to notice these things more, that I'm actually doing them.
Eventhough I din'd finish school, I feel I have above average intelligence, just not into anything that will help me make a carreer.
My biggest problems right now, seem to be dealing with the fact, that I can't seem to listen to people very long, have issues with eye contact, can't handle social situations because I have alot of trouble filtering out sound, wich seems to cause anxienty and that I'm bluntly honest, I also often switch into my own world, but yet again, since xanax, I've noticed myself having moments that I can't respond at all and my movements feel automated, because I'm so focused on trying to get words out.
Or simply blanking out, that when someone is speaking to me, the words aren't getting through, and after a few minutes have passed, I feel odd having to say, "I'm sorry, I seemed to be in a soundproof bubble for the past few minutes, can you repeat all of that?"
My girlfriend basicly told me I'm Sheldon, jokingly offcourse. I have a favourite seat, I'm botherd if anyone but me sits in it, because it's near the heather and the window, so pretty much at any given moment, I'l have the best seat in the house.
Also the fact that I can't really do small talk and often make everything revolve around myself. She's come to the conclusion, I'm either an aspie or a really big jerk and after doing months of personal research, the aspie label seems to fit, and is being pursued by me.
Lastly, I'd like to appologise for my English, everything I know came from TV and the internet and ask a question, since I've pretty much ruled out ADD and ADHD (latter one being due to drug use and alcohol, drugs turning me into a weird, hyper active monkey and both allowing me to socialise better, even being weird, because druggies aren't really picky and all drunk people are kind of odd.) But, after learning alot about drugs, even being addicted, one day I decided, f**k this, I'm bored and moved on.
And a final question, since there are alot of people who have recieved a genuine diagnosis and have lived with that for a long time, does this seem like possible aspie behaviour?
I promise I won't rely on a positive response as an official diagnosis, because I am pursueing one, eventhough it's in it's baby steps.
Thanks for taking the time to read my blob of text, and great meeting all of you.
13 Nov 2011, 2:37 am
