Penelope_asparagus wrote:
He hates having to say things more than once. Even if its complicated and not the kind of thing anyone would get on the first go-around.
When we met in person, we were squished into one room. I didn't realize he needed alone-time, and he didn't think to ask me for it. So we ended up both feeling crowded.
Maybe you can explain aspie talk to me.
We are probably broken up for good now, sadly. But I tend to date this type, so maybe you can teach me something for next time. Or maybe we'll somehow end up back together? He actually made some joke about one of my friends being jealous if I talked to him.
I don't know about all aspies, but for me, having to say things more than once feels like I am being ignored and I don't understand how what I said was not heard the first time and I also feel like that it was not as if I spoke a foreign language I think I say things clearly the first time.
So perhaps one approach might be to say to your aspie friend that either you did not hear him clearly or did not understand what he said and need explaination. We seem to love explaining things we know about, its perhaps a source of comfort, because there is something we can do or know a little better than another and that helps to prevent the useless feeling the eminates from a lacking social circle and/or employment outlook. Its as if a momentary feeling of "ah ha, I do have purpose" envelopes. This is just a theory of one possible explaination to explore why explaining things gives us a temporary high, so to speak.
I don't know if alone time is an adequate explaination. I would refer to it more as "elbow room". Sometimes I refer to it as a "TAG Game" philosophy, where one can always go home, or to their room, like one goes to the base for a rest, a break, or safety from the game of tag. It may be in part to being able to process a days events, or as some religions do, a moment of meditation, to analyze one's thoughts or to delve into their imagination, or it maybe to get a temporary feeling of absolute control and stability in life, as since when you are in your own space you are the boss and have control over your surroundings, sometimes that sense of control provides a feeling of balance or peace of mind. It may be an antidote to having an incompitent boss or a parent dishing out too many orders and thus losing too much sense of, if not control then at least input. That would be another thing to wish for, to be heard, to have my advice headed or considered, to feel like part of the great puzzle and I have a say in its completion, but even then you still need privacy sometimes, but a position like that would probably lessen the need and frequency.
As for why he did not ask you for space, at least in my case, I have a hard time comprehending self and asking for help even when I need it. I would often have to be practically crushing under the weight of a heavy object before I might ask for a hand. I also have a hard time assessing my own true feelings and even if or when I do, expressing them. I cannot describe myself very well either. It is almost as if I were my own worst subject. I could probably learn to build a fission reactor before I learned or understood myself.
As for the joke, and this is probably common to many Aspies as I have read so, I don't comprehend well the appropriateness or whether a joke is demeaning very well, I tend to generally look at everything from a logical distance, as if everything is something to be studied and even a joke about my own ethnicity would probably not phase me as I might think it just a funny joke or not. Therefore I see it as impersonal, impersonal to everyone. The only jokes I might have a hard time with are personal, or specific jokes, as an ethnic joke (as an example) covers more than one person, I fail to see how one can be offended by it, because it is not a personal or specific attack, which are the ones I have the most trouble with. Those kind are much harder to tell if they are serious or mean spirited or not. Whereas any general or non specific joke, like a preist and a rabbi, or a human and a martian or whatever, is fair game as they are not directed at anyone.
The kind of joke you mention sounds like an observational jab at humor, and it might be a clumsy attempt to lighten the mood in light of perceived tension. Another type of humor that is easier to understand and one I tend to do more than the above, I don't generally use the above kind except in a one or two joke passing interest or hearing it and not seeing anything wrong with it. Another major source of humor is first instinct, even when I understand the true meaning of some normally sounding off the wall statement or word, my first instinct in most cases is the literal interpretation, I don't always blurt that out as in the situations I have a better grasp from experience of what is actually meant, but it still appears most often as the first thought in my mind.
I might propose a general approach for an aspie would be a motherly touch, in that you are forward, trusting and trustworthy, guiding but not outright forceful, comforting, supportive, helpful, direct, and honest but gentle if it is a sensitive issue. You will discover the most sensitive issues and ones you must tread carefully with over time.
I hope that helps.
11 Feb 2005, 1:01 am
) - this will almost invariably mean the relationship going southwards though..... I think what I'm trying to say is: I don't know..... 
, then you're going to have to do all the initiating more likely than not. I would never approach anyone directly to start a relationship of any kind....
