Do you find love or does love find you?

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I just turned twenty recently (making my username of techn0teen inaccurate).

I am a late bloomer. I am told I look young for my age. I have never kissed a person, but I feel the need for some intimacy. I have the need to develop a very close bond with someone special.

I have been told I need to actively look for my love. But I also heard that love finds you. Which is it?

Should I actively look for this person or will the right person show up when the time is right?

Well the truth is it dose both. You can find it or it can find you. Love however is not instant. I too was a late bloomer, I am almost 20 myself. When I met the person I am currently with now about a year ago I had no indication that I had found someone special. I met him one night when he came along with some friends, we were going to a Rocky Horror Picture Show. My first thoughts upon seeing him were "Wow, that's one awkward kid standing there staring at me in a peculiar way" He was quiet, its part of his personality but hes always quiet to people he first meets. We talked from time to time but I really didnt know him at all for the first 5 months or so. But time has a slow magic about it. Miniature seemingly insignificant things happen and slowly people grow closer together. If you told me the quiet awkward kid was someone I was going to be together with today last year I would have thought that to be the most bizarre statement you could tell me.

So did I find him or did he find me. There is no clear cut answer to that. Things happen, life happens. It just dose.

Look two years into the past and see if the right person showed up. The next two years will be the same, unless you are intentional.

Be aware that we are speaking in the context of social dysfunction. Embrace the fact that it's a little odd you haven't been dating yet. Here's the best route to getting that special someone.

Date around. Key. You sound monogamous. To reach that dedicated relationship that you crave, it is important to talk to lots of women.

Online dating sites are the most convenient source of single women. Expect to send out lots and lots of emails. Be friendly, start conversations, eventually you'll get a phone number. That's a sign that it's a relationship that you can cultivate.

First I want to give you a word of advice...be careful on heeding advice given by NTs...I followed advice from NT friends for a good portion of my life, and it failed by and large. I don't blame them, of course. Neither they, nor I, knew about my AS at the time.

With that out of the way, let me say that as someone with AS, you should use a hybrid approach. You need to be actively seeking so as not become self-absorbed in your special interest (if you have one), or in your routine.

But while doing so, you can't appear to be desperate or needy or pushing too much. Don't hold any encounter too preciously. That's the 'love finds you' part.

To do this, put yourself out there. Get involved with many different activities that interest you.

Now that advice serves NTs well, same as those with AS. Here's the part that is problematic, and why the advice of my friends (and common wisdom) failed. Whilst doing these activities, you'll likely get signals from women who are interested in you. The NT picks up on these signals, and advances the relationship. In my experience, the AS person misses these cues, and thus nothing comes of the effort. That is why the NTs give the advice they do...it does work. For them. For those of us with AS, we need to learn to identify these clues.

Of course that is only the beginning. Once a relationship blossoms, there'll be a whole host of other issues involving your AS. But one step at a time, eh?

Excellent perspective.

Especially true about processing signals. Early is tricky.

I think its generally a combo of both. Either one way or another is might not give you satisfying results. If you go in with the "I need" to find a significant other then you might get disappointed and perhaps just trying to settle for whatever you can get, end up in a brief relationship and it doesnt work out. If you just leave it to fate, then nothing might ever come your way.

So I guess, you can seek people out but try not to desperately do it. Learn about the demographic your targeting, befriend people of that demographic, it can be less pressure. Seek potential dates but don't go overboard. See aspies tend to like doing the extremes.

The whole dating scene and liking each other thing can be very confusing, awkward and heartbreaking. See with dating, all the subtle social cues are huge. And even NTs misinterpret each others signals.

It's both. It works both ways. Sometimes love does find someone first before they found their love and sometimes other people find their love before their love found them.


With me, love found me. I wasn't even looking and then I met my husband and well there it was, love found me. I wasn't out looking for love and it came to me.

Before that, I was looking for love and then I decided I needed a break from relationships and just meet guys only and do my fetish with them. BTW both my ex's came to me first online and then we met up in real life. I was never good with approaching people and when I tried, it didn't go well but yet I seemed better at when men came to me first.

This is something I don't really understand. Everybody says you will find love when you least expect it, but on the other hand, there are things you should do on your part to ensure it happens.

There are people who feel that God, fate, messages in the stars, etc., makes things happen. I don't think it means that those forces literally stick those things (romantic partners, economic opportunities, etc.) on our doorsteps. It means, rather, that those things (if those are your beliefs) give us the opportunities and abilities to make those things happen.

Last edited by Tim_Tex on 15 Nov 2011, 5:05 am, edited 2 times in total.

It is a little of both, actually. Love will certainly show up when the time is right, but if you are not looking you might not find it. Does that make sense? In the meantime you can try dating people to be prepared when the right one shows up. Having relationships is not easy, so having a little practice by dating is a good idea.

I feel the same way as the OP and I am much older and have the same problem I developed feelings for another aspie but they were not mutual and was lied to in the beginning that it was an age difference problem and it was really my looks and personality. I didn't fall instantly in love it took time and it kind of snuck up and started to grow in me but there was nothing mutual. I feel hurt and stupid because of it so I hope that it happens and its mutual in your case.

I've tried looking for love in the past and it has only ended in disaster. So I stopped looking for a while, then my friend told one of her guy friends to message me on Facebook. We met in person after a couple weeks of chatting and texting and it was a great time. We have been dating for almost four months now. He is easily the best fella out of the bunch and he found me (with some help from my friend of course). So glad I let love find me for a change, it has been lovely.

It's possible that your friends see dating as taboo. If they set you up with someone, awesome, go for it.

You will feel like a fish out of water. You are getting the foundational experience that will earn the respect of the women you meet further down the road.

from my experience it is not like "it's a bit of both". i never dated. i never searched for a partner. i never wanted to get to know someone just for "that reason". i need to have the basis of a deep friendship with a person i become "especially interested" in, while dating sites imply a romantic kind of interest one step ahead of that - you never get the chance to get to know each other on neutral ground. for me there is no point in that way of searching.
so i always led my life without looking for someone and enjoyed my hobbies - and found all the people who are now or once were important to me through that (strictly online, on message boards like this one or mmporpgs or theme based communitys or whatever).

Why love when you can hate instead? It's more productive.

I was very active in searching for love in my late teens. I did everything I could to make myself physically attractive and presentable. Nothing good came out of it. I didn't even build social skills.

I did find love when I wasn't looking, but it's not the rule. I think you should be open for it, but I also think Aspies shouldn't put too much pressure into this because it only makes us more nervous. If you take things more casually, you actually have more chances at finding someone.

It finds me. Then leaves about two weeks later. Every time.