loneliness, fear, despair, emptiness

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A philosopher once said "Why do anything when our ultimate destination is death." I'm beginning to agree with this. It is so f*****g hard waking up everyday at this point. I'm in extreme pain over my present life circumstances (not to the point where I'm suicidal so don't worry). Every day throughout my life I've lived alone by myself. During grade school and high school I was placed in a special behavioral school that promoted coping skills since I had very weak ones (cause apparently I have aspergers?). Placement in an alternate education has adversely effected my social skills emotional regulation and probably what other potential I've had as well. College for me has been not only been the most miserable time but also a very lonely time. I have not made any friends. At times I go to the library just to randomly talk to people because I crave conversation and human contact which has definitely been withheld from me. University students are such stuck up pieces of s**t that they are offended when I try to initiate small talk. It has literally been high school transplanted all over again. Nothing has changed. Whether I get a degree or not that is more or less not helpful at all.... and i'm experiencing this now as a senior. Something fundamental in my quirky personality has no place in American Society. Its affecting my psyche, my ability to think and my ability to concentrate in class... I'm getting extremely agitated, my attention span is dropping and I'm sick of the routine. It is overwhelming, it's cruel and it hurts me because I'm a human being just like you.

Oh, and I gained about 20 lbs so it is getting harder and harder to fit in my clothes.Graduation is so close but I've lost the perfection, a mess without words... everything seems so meaningless. I just want to sleep all day and wait until the day death comes. This guilt, emotional baggage has made it such that I am turning into a true cynic and misanthrope. Are human beings this cruel? Or is it just college kids? I don't understand modern academia or our generation.

I honestly thought that something would change. It looks like my life is headed towards further despair and even more loneliness. I've tried really hard to pour my heart and soul on to other people. I've maybe met one or two older students who have acknowledged my existence. The rest of the community probably chuckles at me.

Life at times seems so insignificant and just at times not worthwhile; it's so freakin hard to find the good in anything looking through these smudged lenses; i literally cannot get out of myself and this perpetual state of aspi/depression and the bondage known as loneliness. it seems that the only thing i was ever good at was deliberately shunning everyone from me, and i have to ask why would i want this? It is because its the only thing I know how to do? If I hit rock bottom i suppose I cannot get any lower; it feels so good at times that you have reached a safety net that relieves you of responsibility. Why have all my relationships both interpersonal and intimate end abruptly, almost always? Sometimes I would randomly call someone or text, or facebook message to express my severe disdain for the world and insult them with the most profane of language? Why do I do this? Why? THere is no purpose? Yet, I do it because I continue to sabotage everyone that has ever almost liked me.


Has anyone experienced something similar?

I can understand the feeling but by messaging on facebook like that to people will not help you. I know plenty of people who have ill-treated me in my life, yet I know that the only person that it's affecting is me. If I did this messaging in spite and anger, I'd be no better than them. Only you can change your life around even if you can't do this yourself.

I think I know how you feel... I've been there before. Not the same situation, but I know those feelings.

I don't let on about it, though... Only a couple (literally two or three) of people know about my disdain and hatred for society, although a handful know I've dealt with major medical depression before, of a severity that kills a lot of people.

The difference is I don't lash out, which seems to be your problem.

If you cannot stop yourself from destroying relationships by lashing out, you need professional help. That or the help of a very, very close friend who will help stick with you.

But above all, you need to remember that how you're acting towards others, deliberately destroying your relationships, is completely unwarranted. It may be a compulsion. But it's one you'll have to control. You have to control it. It's hard. I've tried to control obsessions myself. Some I've succeeded at. Some I've failed.

But you have to control this one and you have to apologize to the people who matter. If you can't do that, I'm pretty sure you're sunk - unless a mental ward is your idea of a nice home.

I always imagine, whenever I start to go down on the negativity spiral: imagine a man walks into your room right now, with a lethal injection kit. He says: 3 injections, and goodbye world. It's not even painful, and because one of those injections is essentially a fatal dose of sleeping pills you'll just be falling asleep and never waking up again. Would you take up the offer?

If you can say no, and you can state the reason why, there's hope. If not, go to psyche ward ASAP.

I suffer the same way from this damn thing called aspies and wish it wasn't so because I get my heart broken over and over again most times I wish that I could find an exit from this earth. I mean I see no point in living if never going to have the things that make life as human worth having. I mean is there really a point and the only reason I stuck it out this long is that I keep hoping at some point that I going to meet someone or some place that will help me get better so that I can no what it is like to not have people leaving 5 minutes after we say hello. I also become bitter angry resentful because it is like no matter how hard I try and no matter how much I want the things everyone else has I will never have them except for maybe 5 minutes. I because of the anger side of it spew it all over people who rub me the wrong way.

I tell you my biggest frustration with people is try to be as up front and honest about my set of short comings so that they might be more patient and understanding but even that does not seem to help as they always seem to leave shorty after they arrived. I want more then anything to know what it is like for long term human interaction as friends.

I some times wonder if I was born with a more severe disability people would be more understanding but because can appear somewhat normal for short periods of time they probably think that I do what I do on purpose or maybe that I am just being a jerk or whatever. All that I know is it sucks to be this way and no amount of will on my part seems for me to be able to change it.
I also get to the point where if people frustrated me or rub me the wrong way I have to tell them that right away usually with a lot cussing and swearing usually to the point where they threaten that if I do not stop they will call the police for harassment. That is when I usually stop. Because I do not want any trouble with the law but not before then. I mean I do like some of the power when they get upset but I always do feel guilty and want to apologize but am not able to most of the time. I have done this in aa when I was sober for almost three years and manage to piss off rooms full of people where there are some meetings that I no long feel comfortable in and that behavior alone got me to go out a month before my third cake.
I find it just depressing to live so close to normal and so far from looking disabled that if there is really no hope or a way to get better what is the point of sticking around.

i have been where you are and i know what you are feeling.
most of my relationships ended and because of my hatred, cussing etc...

It was a terrible phase of my life now i have learned to control my anger, negativity etc.

You need to keep your self occupied can you take up some hobby like painting class etc...
or some part time job
it will be difficult to socialise, make friends etc but then your hobby will keep you occupied
and entertained.