How do you ask girls out and begin relationships with them?

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I was wondering, how exactly do you ask girls out and actually get them to start a relationship with you? I know this sounds like a very general question full of open-ends.......... My query is if anyone actually has any real, concrete, and industrial tips to actually meeting women, breaking the ice, and asking them out.

I feel like I can read 8000 magazines or articles on the internet, and every one of them has volumes of advice on what to do once you are already in a relationship to keep it going. All of this is well and good, but its like they assume all men just magically even have the ability to get a girl to agree to be his girlfriend in the first place. I've read all the stuff about how to act once the relationship is on, but hardly anything is ever said about flirting or what you have to do to actually start dating somebody.

Its like they give you steps 2, 3, 4, 5, but they always omit step 1 in their advice, so you can't get anywhere. I guess its taken for granted or something that for guys, getting a girlfriend is the easy and natural part, but keeping it going is the challenge.

The problem is that I truly can't find anywhere any advice that is truly good and hard-nosed when it comes to initiating the relationship. I know as a man I have to be some sort of predator about the whole thing, but I feel like I have no teeth, or i am screwing up some crucial element.

Pretty much every girl I ever try and talk to won't have anything to do with me........... (95 % of them inform me they already have a boyfriend, but I'm sure dozens of these girls with "boyfriends" just used this as the classic out or the classic excuse....... Pretty much every girl just says she has a boyfriend to get you to buzz off when she's not interested and won't even humor you.)

Frankly, I'm not comprehending what I may be doing wrong......... I feel like I'm dressing the right way, saying and doing the right things.......... I try and do things "by the NT book," but I try and keep it loose at the same time and try not to be too scripted........... I try and "go with the flow." Above all I keep good hygiene and definitely avoid whiffs of desperation or coming on too strong.

I don't know, I think its just something about me they can intuitively sense. Its like I have some warning light hovering over me or something that says "Aspergers." Sometimes I feel like I have a black cloud over my head just constantly raining on me.......... they might as well tattoo on my forehead, "Aspegers... Do NOT DATE (under any circumstances)"

I just need some new angles and new ideas. I need new opening lines and "ice-breakers." I don't understand why the whole process of "flirting" and trying to find a Girlfriend is SO DIFFICULT. Its doubly frustrating since EVERY other dude in the universe makes it look so easy. Even other blokes who look to be or who are really shady and questionable types seem to be able to get gorgeous girls on their arm. I don't understand what I am "missing" (I guess I am missing theory of mind........ I can't read girls.)

I admit a flaw of mine is that my "delivery" probably is not very "natural." I think girls suspect I am trying as hard as I can to pass off as "normal." But I can't just come out with AS and go all out on them right away as my AS personality is atrocious.

Can anyone fill me in with as much information as possible on "step 1," because I am stuck at step 1. Its like I can't ever get on past where I am at now for some reason, and I need lots of help. The worst part is seeing so many other guy succeeding in being "natural" with girls and just going out with them like its no big deal.

Women/females are usually more in touch with their emotions than males. You could try your efforts at using a made up sob story about your bad ex taking away the kids and you can never see them again. Maybe the story of a death of a close relative or lover leaving you heart broken. A good sob story may pull the heart strings of a woman or two who may listen to you. The sympathy manipulation technique may help you pick up a lady or two.

Last edited by Dark_Lord_2008 on 28 Nov 2011, 3:13 am, edited 1 time in total.

@ Dark Lord

I damn sure won't be doing that, since I am looking for an actual long-term relationship, and I feel that such a lie to kick things off would totally blow it. (shes bound to find out after a few dates I made such a thing up, and the trust would be shattered for ever since she knew i "used" her.)

I'm a terrible liar anyway and I don't think I could lie about anything (my employment, etc,) as girls would see right through it, even if I was just angling for a one night stand. But I want a long-term relationship, and I won't throw a mammoth lie like that out there immediately to kick open the door.

The trick to being a good liar is having a good memory and portraying the right emotions. Lies must be backed up with more lies. It takes more time to think of lies than it is to tell the truth. Aspies may have a good memory but they are no good at expressing the right emotions. An Aspie is usually emotionless and has a monotone voice. Smirking and a lack of eye contact, lack of sincerity are dead giveaways to lying.

It is far easier to tell the truth than it is to lie.

^ Sorry, I won't be taking that advice as I have way too much integrity anyway to go down that road. I wan't a long-term girlfriend......... not a situation where I have to tell 20 lies to cover up one lie and always be on pins-and-needles about it all. Its not anything I'm interested in.

Also, I'd really prefer not to get a reputation at college amongst girls either as a liar, or as a "nail and bail" type who told one mammoth lie to get with a girl and then have that precede me.

I am no expert, since I have had little experience asking women out. Most of my relationships were the result of women asking me out, or making it obvious that they wanted me to ask them. Not that this has happened very often. But, for what it is worth, my advice would be to try something I have even less experience with: match making sites.

Something else I haven't tried but intend to is a site called www.meetup.com

I can't help you out because I am in the same situation as yourself But I do believe that lying is a ridiculous thing to do, trust me I tried it and it worked at first but I eventually got tangled up in my own web and she worked me out and that was that lol, so good for not taking that guys advice as in the long-run as you want a long-lasting relationship it won't work if you make up some BS sob story initially, I've been there and it's not worth it. And this one girl I was seeing actually remembered everything I said and she'd always question me as to say I was lying which I was - stupidly , the truth is far easier than lying.

with that out of the window now I'm being myself with girls, I pass as a really good looking guy but I don't know if they like me coz of my looks or my personality but girls seem to like me a lot, I'm on the same boat as you when you say trying too hard to pass off as normal, I may go overboard and appear unnatural in conversations at times I think! and I can tell people may be a little amused or slightly confused.

I don't understand the whole thing of flirting too, in fact I have never really flirted I don't think, maybe once or twice, god knows how i managed to pull a bird I don't know again maybe the looks. I don't actually think it matters coz I get on well enough with girls without flirting they may flirt with me but I don't initiate it like most aspies. They may be thinking to themselves why isn't this guy flirting back or something. But I i tend to talk about my special interests and things we are both interested in and try to keep a conversation flowing that way so to speak.

sorry, but this is terrible advice.

if you want to get a girl, follow the following steps:

1.) be ready. this means being 'ok' with yourself, and feeling confident about who you are, and seeing your massive self-worth. this will be attractive to almost all girls, i'd say.
2.) talk to girls! this much should seem obvious, because it is. the more girls you talk to, the better you'll be at conversing with them, and the less nervous you'll be. eventually, it will be natural for you and your confidence will show thru and they'll be attracted to you. if you think a girl might like you, might be attracted to you, and also think you are interesting / want to get to know you more, do step 3.
3.) say (in your own words, obviously) "i really must get going. i have an appointment to keep. bye!" then she'll say her goodbyes too. then you turn around about 150 degrees then turn back and say "i'd really like to re-connect with you sometime." then whip out your phone and say "whats your phone number?"

this way they'll think persuing them was an afterthought. they know you are interested, but they also know that you are ready to walk away like they are an afterthought. this shows that you arent clingy, but are still confident, and interested in them.

Perhaps if you're not great at making direct approaches, try to meet people, make friends, build familiarity and comfort with people, go to classes. Making natural approaches is definitely about selling yourself in the shortest time possible, it's about presentation, humor, looks and expressing the correct body language, in other words, you won't have time to show certain traits such as honesty, loyalty, character, integrity or thoughtfulness. The best thing is to join a club, an art or cookery class, women also love to do salsa, something where you can show other angles of your personality and build up trust and comfort with people rather than trying to sell yourself to a girl in five minutes.

In cases when I've met someone who has liked me, it has usually been through a close friend, a social circle or through traveling so I would advise that you put yourself in more social situations, build your social circle and network so you will be invited to more parties and events, make an effort to socialize with everyone and you will improve at socializing and breaking out of your comfort zone naturally.

With regards to the lying issue, I actually did that one time about 7 years ago (this was well before I was DXed or even knew what Aspergers was)

I was trying to chat with a girl and I was working up to asking her out, but it seemed to me like I was "losing her" in the course of trying to connect with her. I'm not sure how to explain it, but the first couple times we met and chatted, she was very friendly with me, smiling at me, and I actually felt I might have a chance with her.

However, the next few times I saw her, she sort of had a very "neutral" tone with me and kind of backed off her friendliness. I wasn't sure what to make of it but I thought she was going "hot and cold" with me. The problem was I felt I was totally losing her........... so I panicked out of ignorance, and in my AS brain, I felt I had to do something drastic to sort of reclaim things and get her going on me again.

I wound up blurting out a lie right out of nowhere telling her I had a much better job than what I actually had (I was desperate and felt her slipping away.) I thought it would re-spark her interest in me if she thought I had some great job, even though I had no contingency at all to prove I had this job, so I doomed any chance of prolonged dating I'd have with her since she would see I was full of crap. Even the lie had the immediate opposite effect I wanted and she stopped talking to me at all after that and after 1 more time trying to engage her, I gave up. (I wasn't "imposing" on her or coming on too strong either........ it was weird to me how she just lost interest in me............ :s)

The problem was that this girl and I had some mutual acquaintances, so then, unfortunately, I had to keep up the lie needlessly or at least keep my guard up around some other people in case they would try and match up stories. It turned out to be way more hell than what it was worth on one lie, and I got caught up in that vicious cycle where I had to tell more lies eventually or level the situation. Anyway, after that, I consciously eschew overt lying as any type of tactic (even though it is popular.)

I can tell a lie with a straight face obviously, but they always come back to backfire and cause way more agony than what they can give you in a small immediate gain. I definitely have complete integrity and I've had such honor for the past 5 years anyway, and I'd never consider those types of things to try and "score."

The charlie sheen/harper method does not work!! and should be avoided by all male life forms..

I've had similar experiences with guys, in terms of the "hot and cold" thing. I once met a guy in the gamers lounge at my school; he seemed to be taken by the fact that I was a girl and was playing a computer game (probably the latter more than the former, given that my school is mostly female). I feel like I can tell when someone is flirting with me, I just don't know how to intepret the flirting. This guy was making obvious attempts to get me to look at him, doing a magic card guessing game wherein I was supposed to make eye contact while he shuffled the cards. I wasn't used to getting much attention from guys and it was overwhelmingly flattering. At a later date we gamed together and then he gave me a hug. Yet the next time I saw him he completely ignored me. I went home crying afterward and I've since never understood the reasons for his fickle affections.

I've learned that the whole flirting thing really doesn't work with me, it just makes me anxious feeling like someone might be interested in me and yet unsure of their exact intentions. Blunt honesty seems to work best for me, though I do get turned down a lot and I can come across as a bit strong. For me it seems to work because it allows me to connect with those who do value that sort of honesty, that's the kind of person who I want to be around anyway, rather than someone who will play flirtatious games. My aspie boyfriend has said that he really appreciates my straightfoward manner and it's one of the reasons why we communicate so well. I sort of just expect folks to accept me as I am and if they don't then I try not to see it as any great loss for me.

A lot of times when I meet new people I will intentionally create an awkward situation just to see how they react. Some people get really uncomfortable when they don't know how they are supposed to respond and others seem okay with the awkwardness and just roll with it and play along. It's one way of finding people who might be more accepting of individual quirkiness. It's also a lot of fun. I can't say it's the best method, it's sort of the opposite of putting one's best foot forward. I figure if someone accepts my rants on cannibalism and squirrels then that person might be someone with whom I would want to be friends. Not that I'm actually a cannibal of course.

I have absolutely, utterly no idea.

My past history and life experiences are a pattern/trend that can be used to predict my own dating future.

In my sad situation, which is rare for NT males but more normal for Aspie males. No dates and never been asked out in 30 years of my life. Females find me physical unattractive and do not acknowledge my existence.

I am an ugly loser with a hideous face that only a mother could find attractive due to their unconditional love for child. I had accepted that I am a loser a long time ago. it was reinforced from a young age through all the trauma at bullying at school that has adversely impacted my entire life in other areas.

NTs reject Aspies because they think they are better than us.
Well we can snap back at them with a remark to hurt them in retaliation for rejecting us.
You do not care about hurting their feelings and telling them the truth because you have Aspergers.

I get angry frustrated and can not deal with rejection from anyone. I am prone to violent outbursts due to being provoked from rejection. Rejection is a form of bullying and provocation. The nightmare of schoolyard bullies never ends.

Last edited by Dark_Lord_2008 on 28 Nov 2011, 7:48 am, edited 1 time in total.

But there's still hope, you can break out of self defeatist and negative thinking patterns and find genuine happiness, maybe you'll never be Brad Pitt or Donald Trump but you don't need to be to be content or happy, you need to stop comparing yourself to others and realize there's more to life than money and sexual promiscuity.

Lots of money and sexual promiscuity = more power and control. A person like me with Aspergers needs both power and control over his internal and external.

Bill Gates, Donald Trump, Brad Pitt and David Beckham and over billionaires or millionaire celebrities have it all. Life is great when you are rich but a nightmare if you are a poor person like me who has been rejected by the world.

Life is not fair when you have Aspergers and you have less of a chance against competing in the game of life against NTs who have the upper hand.