Need advice on how to tell 10 yr old about his AS

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Long time since I've been here - but need advice on what to say to my beautiful boy about his asperger's...it's time. My problem with telling him has been the fact that he is the happiest, most loving, smartest , funniest boy and I don't want to crush his spirit - maybe think "something is wrong with me". All the articles I've read always stress how kids were so glad to know why they had all these problems, were lonely, depressed, etc...I want to keep it positive, yet let him know there will be things that will be difficult for him, etc...any help appreciated - am shooting for this long weekend to tell him....thanks, cindy

Has he got some severe problems with other kids yet due to his AS? Otherwise, you better wait to tell him.

there's alot of "autism talk" going on around him, he goes to an after school social group, speech at school, learning support when needed, pt in the past, an aid 2 days a week, and has never asked"why"- loves it all. Don't want someone else to tell him and feel strange because we didnt....

Point out all the things that he's good at, and all of his positive traits and tell him that both of you are working on his Social Skills.
It would also be wise to mention the word Asperger's but don't add the word, Syndrome.

WEll i dont see what the problem is, just because u now have a 'name' for his behavoural traits, does not mean he is ANY different. Its not like its bad news, because everything associated with Aspergers that he experiences he ALREADY has, so its just giving a name to the way he already acts. telling him that there is a medical reason for his 'quirks' is a good thing, it will make him accept himself better, and will help heaps for his self esteem in his teens if he knows its not just HIM, but that there are others with these difficulties.

The best time to tell him would be if he asked about it. I know that there have been many things I didn't ask my parents simply because I didn't think to ask.

If the topic does come up, it's important to be comfortable talking about it. If it's awkward, he may think that you're ashamed to talk about it. Since it is about him, he may become ashamed of himself.

I suggest that he treat it as something more on the private side and advise against him advertising. For example, the only appropriate time to tell a teacher about it is at a private meeting that you're involved in; but that's only if the teacher needs to provide special handling.

I just thinking along the lines of middle school, where the hazing can be brutal. The most important thing for him to have is the self esteem to not get trampled over.

And I would discourage using it as an excuse. We all see what happens when people blame their sadness on it.

In the grand scheme of things, having a name is pretty low on the list. If he the name get used as a label, two things can happen. He may think he's inferior, or he'll think that he's better than his peers.

When you do tell him, ensure he understands that knowing why he's unique doesn't make him any better or worse than his peers.

It sounds like you've done a wonderful job raising him and you'll know what to do.

i dont see what all this fuss is about. there woudnt be a reason that he WOULD feel ashamed because its just a NAME, hes always acted this way, hes not DIFFERENT, its not like hes suddenly developed pneumonia. Just explain to him clealry that there is a name for the rason he sometimes does certain things/feels certain ways but DONT make it out as if suddenly he is a different person cos he has been given a classification. a DX is good for the support that u can get, but in no way should him or u feel as if he is a different person

My daughter is 10 and upon entering a new school this year after a big move, we felt it was time to discuss this. New kids, new school= panic issues for my daughter. Not to mention, she gets teased without mercy for certain things, and we felt it was time to arm her a bit.

The way I approached it was through analogies of sorts. Her dad has bad allergies, and he has to get shots on a monthly basis just to breathe LOL I told her this, "Dad has allergies, right? No big deal, just something he has to deal with. He gets his shots, sometimes he can breathe well, sometimes he can't. When the neighbor cuts his grass, dad can't go outside for 2 hours.. but it is all ok! Dad is cool with it, so are we. Well you have some things you have to deal with too. You have Aspergers (no disorder, no syndrome) and it changes the way you see, feel and do things a bit too." Anyway, we talked about the way she feels about things, loud noises, meeting new people, talking about dragons for two years straight *grin* and agreed that this was nothing to be worried about, just something to work with on a daily basis just like dad does with his allergies.

She was not upset, not crushed, not worried. She embraced it! In fact, she is now part of a pioneer program for her school that teaches about differences. The students learn about ADHD/ADD, Autism, Aspergers, physically challenged kids- you name it. My daughter created and gives part of the Aspie presentation, and the kids in her class really took to it. Not only does she understand herself better, but they do too. It is part of who she is, and I would not change anything for the world- and what makes it better, is that neither would she.

Best of luck to you!

As I've just used elsewhere, I take this to be very positive...

"Able autistic individuals can rise to eminent positions with such outstanding success that one may conclude that only such people are capable of certain achievements. Their unswerving determination and penetrating intellectual powers, part of their spontaneous and original mental activity, their narrowness and single-mindedness, as manifested in their special interests, can be immensely valuable and can lead to outstanding achievements in their chosen areas."
(Hans Asperger, 1944)

I wouldn't necessarily give that verbatim, (but I had one 10 year old Aspie at work who loved it!) but if you understand where it's pointing, the positiveness of AS begins to be explicable.

"You're never going to be Mr Average." might be a phrase I'd consider, if it would go down the right way.

Our son was dx'd at 10. I hesitated saying anything to him, although all summer he saw mom devouring books about autism and asperger's (although I read alot so he may not have noticed.)

Once school started and he was getting pulled out for speech and social skills class, I realized that to keep any kind of trusting relationship with my son I had to tell him. He's a smart kid and knew something was up, but would never ask.

I explained Asperger's to him, and what it meant for *him*, in the most positive light possible. He made it clear that he didn't want it spoken of in the house again, and so we didn't.

Later on, along came a show with a very positive AS character role model. I got him to watch it with me, and slowly he realized the character had a lot of traits that he has. It gave him a much more positive outlook, and he will talk about it now, although it's not something he necessarily cares to discuss.

He's never used it as a crutch or excuse, and in fact was terribly upset to learn his teachers knew.

He made a decision this summer (on his own) to "turn over a new leaf" for jr high. He is like a different kid. He got detention the other day for TALKING!! ! He has several friends now, and the progress he has made in several different areas has been amazing.

I didn't say that the name would make him ashamed.

Instead, like what you said, I was getting at that the presentation of the conversation can have an impact on how he feels about it.



That's a great way of bring it up. Relating it to something he accepts and understands won't isolate him from others.

How ironic is it that the presentation of the talk, one thing we have to deal with, can be the one factor which decides your kid's outlook on the whole subject? Anyway, I got diagnosed at ten, as I've said numerous times elsewhere (no big deal, though! ), and I wasn't very concerned or interested with the whole thing at first. I even got the name wrong, I thought it was called Efburgeson's! I forgot about it of course, and only when it was brought up about four months ago did I come to remember it. I didn't take it bad and didn't use it as a crutch, I just took it in, as did my friends when I told them.

I think that to finish the whole thing off, maybe two or three days after you've told her, tell her about the syndrome naming, but put it in a way that makes it more of a discussion. Here's an example:

"You know how Orcas are often called Killer Whales, even though they're not?"
"Yes/No" [this depends on what they know on the subject. If they don't, just explain it a little]
"Asperger's has a similar thing going. It's actually called Aperger's Syndrome, although many people, including me, don't like that term because it's incorrect and wrong. Don't you?"

Now, I'd expect her to agree to that. This is coming from a 16 year old however, so whether or not this advice is any good I'd have no idea.

Waiting until your son asks about AS to explain it would be wrong. For one thing, it may never occur to him to ask, and for another he may think that since you don't want to talk about it he shouldn't talk about it either. The last thing you need to do is make him feel shame. (The same goes for sex education, BTW -- if you wait too long they find out all kinds of information on their own, and often it's innacurate and dangerous.)

The best way to discuss AS would be to talk about the symptoms, not the name. The name doesn't mean anything, really. You can explain that some people just think differently, and that while that has some disadvantages it can also bring opportunities.

What's really important, though, is to get through to him with the fact that it's not his fault he's different and that he's not stupid.

Thanks to all for your great input, we talked to Joey on Saturday, went very well. But as with all kids, after about 20 minutes he had heard enough "information" and wanted to move on. It will be an ongoing conversation, in small doses! We kept in very positive, but realistic. Thanks again for the help! cindy