A question for NTs who have an aspie in the family

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I figured this would be the best place to ask this question.

We've heard enough of how aspies are not good enough as sons, daughters, siblings, spouses. I was wondering if there are ways in which aspies are better sons, daughters, siblings, spouses than NTs are. This thing occured to me when recently, my wife told me of the few ways in which I'm a better-than-NT husband. Mostly it's the other way around
Can anyone think of a few ways in which we are better?

Last edited by Dhawal on 11 Dec 2011, 1:51 am, edited 2 times in total.

I'm not one of those people, but I, too, would like some input because I think it would be uplifting for us to hear that we are good enough for a change.

My son 4 1/2--SPD and most likely Aspergers. Life without his amazing comments and questions would be so much more boring! He keeps us laughing and entertained with his quirky discussions and observations. We love his little mind. Bedtimes are the best--he saves most of his insightful comments for then. He is a sweetheart and has challenged me to be a better parent. Sure, life with a calm NT kid would be 'easier' in some aspects, but I do believe I prefer the window into my son's world.

My husband has no diagnosis but I believe he has some Asperger traits. The plus side . . . I have the balance of being married to someone who is very visual and very good at fixing things (not me at all). Also, since he's not so social, he prefers to stay at home quite a bit, and that (plus a few OCD traits) means he contributes nicely to the housework and doesn't mind! Love that. Sure, I wish he had a few more guy friends, but not going out all the time with friends means he is awesome at getting in lots of 'family time'.

I don't think I'm all that NT but I'll answer anyway. My daughter is delightful. In many respects she's easier to raise than my other kids. She's funny, bright, and honest. She has a unique way of perceiving the world. If I take into account her sensory needs, and other quirks of her being and treat those with respect she is very well behaved, so much so that I get compliments in public. I wouldn't trade her for any other kid, not even (or especially) the most popular kid in school.

Hmm...It's unlikely that anybody in our family is NT (probably for several generations back) but I like all of us a lot. I have no idea if our positive traits transcend the NT/AS divide, though.

What I like about us? Loyalty, for one. I know my family will be there for me, and vice versa.

None of us has trouble going against the crowd if we feel it's necessary - in my husband and I, this sometimes antisocial trait has been channeled into leadership skills. Leaders need to be comfortable saying "No, do it my way." (of course, they also need to be flexible, but that's another post.) We also tend to be the people who stop to help strangers; for some reason crowds of NTs walk on by.

Even our cookies aren't cookie-cutter (I just formed rectangular fruitcake-flavored biscotti, LOL - how's that for literal.) We aren't swayed by commercialism. Keeping up with the Joneses holds no interest for us. Therefore, we are much happier with fewer things - and the things we have are more meaningful; we get more out of them than I think NTs would.

We don't care so much about arbitrary celebrations: anniversaries, birthdays, Valentine's, etc. We tend to make a real effort to appreciate each other in the moment for things that are actually happening.

Our values run very deep and we are much less likely to act counter to them. We don't have a false "public" set of values and a crazy life behind them. WSIWG applies.

Now, I could double back and list all those as reasons why I didn't or wouldn't marry an NT man...so I don't know if this exactly answers your question...

My brother and my daughter are Aspies and I am NT.

If there was ever a disaster I would want my brother with me. He can figure out how to fix things like no one I have ever known. He also stays calm in a disaster. We were together in a very traumatic earthquake and he actually took a nap a few hours after the main quake, while aftershocks were still happening. I don't think I slept for DAYS.

As for my daughter, one good thing that immediately comes to mind is that I don't have to deal with all the typical girl drama. Our street has tons of girls that fight constantly over stupid things and my daughter is completely oblivious. Fashion, pop stars, money, tv shows-none of that is in any social context with her. Don't want to play with her because she doesn't wear the right clothes?-she couldn't care less.

I have no idea if I'm NT or not, but I would say that my AS father (never diagnosed), my AS husband (never diagnosed), and my AS son (diagnosed) have one particular trait in common: there is no subterfuge. You know exactly what they believe in, what they will do, and what they won't do. Their weaknesses are out there like an open book, available to read, and so are their values. My son can't lie to me even when he tries, so he pretty much never tries (although he will use literal thinking to his advantage, when given the opportunity). I don't worry about my husband cheating on me, and I don't worry about my son doing things behind our backs as a teen. My father went on weeks long business trips and made friends with local women in other countries but we never doubted that they were exactly what he said they were: just friends (lol, they even sent back gifts for my mom!). Once you understand how an Aspie, as a unique individual, ticks, in my opinion, they are very easy to trust.

My son never throws me a curve ball as to what he wants for lunch at kinder - it is without fail, every day:
A vegemite sandwich
a banana
juice box
raisins
wafer crackers
which makes shopping pretty mindless (in a good way)

He is able to read many words and numbers, so if I am upstairs (no clock), I can call down and he will tell me the time

He is no slave to trends and doesn't get bored with repetition unlike most NT children so doesn't need to be entertained constantly

His sense of direction is better than both my husbands and mine combined - ie. I am looking for something at the shops, he will know which aisle to go down

He hears when my daughter is awake in her cot long before I do - will tell me, "Mum, Brooke's awake"

My son is a fussy eater and this also means that there is a lot of 'junk food' that he doesn't like - sweets, soft drinks, hamburgers, most chocolates, most potato chips...

I am sure more will come to me, this is just off the top of my head

Last edited by Shellfish on 10 Dec 2011, 4:34 am, edited 1 time in total.

I am an NT parent with an Aspie son:

I always know that he is telling me the truth and whether I like what I'm hearing or not, I can always trust his word.
There are no mind-games with him. What you see is what you get and that is a good thing.
He is willing to give everyone a chance and doesn't judge based on appearance or status.
He is not selfish.

Those are just a few of the immediate things that come to mind...

Omg, what wonderful replies!! I'm so emotional I don't know what to say...

I just want to thank everyone who replied. Special thanks to momsparky and DW_a_mom.

wow, the first thing that struck me with your post is that i would NEVER say that my SO and sons are not good enough. never, never, never. i have one aspie son, one autie son, and my SO is also an autie. life with them is interesting, not exactly typical, but not only good enough, its fabulous.

i love my SO for his incredible mind. he has very realistic and logical views on things that i find important. i know without a doubt he will never cheat on me. he loves and accepts me as i am, and actually likes that i dont wear makeup or "do" my hair or worry about fashion. he can fix practically anything, and if he doesnt know how, he looks it up and learns. he is pretty laid back with parenting, like me, and not a helicopter parent. he isnt our aspie's bio father, but in my SOs mind, thats his son as much as the others are.

my aspie son is a great kid. he loves to learn and discuss things, and has great insights. he has a natural naivety and innocence, we dont have to worry about drugs, sex, or alcohol with him at all. he just turned 15, and still tells me he loves me and hugs me, even in the hallway at school. he is highly sensitive to what others feel, including animals, to the point where he cant watch drama movies where good people die without getting upset. he is a nice boy, to the core, there is not a mean bone in his entire body.

my little autie is a beautiful child. even at 5, he comes out with these profound comments about the world and his own behavior. he has an incredible memory, and he always remembers things about people he cares about (he points out everything to me that is purple, because "its your favorite color!"). he is very logical and sensible, and applies that view to the world, but is also very loving and caring with his family. at 4 yrs old he decided santa wasnt real, yet kept it to himself when we asked him not to tell his older brother

in our house we dont compare asd and nt, so i am not going to say these things make them "better" sons, siblings, or spouses than an NT, just as i wouldnt say their autistic traits make them worse at those things. the positives make them better people, certainly, in the grand scheme of things. but these things are just part of who they are, and yes its influenced by being asd. i want my kids to grow up not looking at how asd traits make them different, but just accepting themselves as they are, and accepting each other and the rest of the world as they are. no better, no worse, just individual. awesome, amazing, incredible individuals =)

I have a six year old AS little dude. I just wanted to tell you a few things about life with him and how AWESOME it is..

Joe is so smart and gifted, he taught himself to read around 3.5- 4 years old.

He is a delight to be around daily, with his funny crazy imaginative stories.

He can remember EVERYTHING which is great because I am not very good at remembering anything lol.

My son and I are very very close, I feel that this is part due to him being an only child and part because I am his main playmate, which normally wouldn't happen with an NT Child.

Joe loves to get super into his special interests, whenever he gets really into something, last year it was Mario brothers, this year it is star wars, I get super into it. I find it so fun to search stores and online for "rare" and new things for him. I cannot explain to you the feeling I get when he lights up when he gets something related to his interest. It becomes a bonding experience to get so involved with him. You should have seen him at Disney's Hollywood Studios, I rode on Star Tours like 15 times with him. I don't know if all moms are like me but I feel like I will do anything for him, no matter how mundane or boring to me.

He is a rule follower as of the past year and is NEVER a bad child, he is polite in public, quiet, and always behaves. People often comment on how well he behaves.

He is never dirty! This is partly OCD but he does not make many messes because he hates to be dirty!

Sure there are some downsides, late potty training, rigid thinking...etc etc.. but I would not "cure" or trade my quirky boy for anything in the world. HE IS MY WORLD.

:0)

Love the thread!! I am NT w/ Aspie child and hubby IMO on the spectrum.

I agree with most of the previous postings and will add one. My husband makes a good manager. He is very focused and hard working. He has few social needs, while others have social distractions on the job. He can work alone well. He shoots straight w/ employees while at the same time he can be very sensitive. He is extremely efficient with his words in meetings. Neither of us thought he'd make a good manager but he does well and is a good provider for the family.

You asked about home life, though, not work life. My favorite thing about my husband as my children's father is his sense of responsibility to model a good man for my daughter. He takes her on daddy/daughter dates to show her how her boyfriends should behave, once she gets old enough to date.

I also love my husband's sense of humor. He has the kids and me laughing all the time.

Yes! Add that (and a whole bunch of others) to my list. My husband is wicked funny, but he lets very few people see it, as it only comes out when he is at ease.

I'm a NT with an Aspie DD and she has been (and is!) such a joy. Things I really admire about her:

-she's not capable of guile. I have never worried about her fibbing to me, being mean to her brother, or any of the myriad of other "pre-teen" things I hear my NT friends complain about in their own children.

-she works so hard and always tries her best. She never "phones it in". Because of this, our whole family operates at a higher standard, I think.

-she's an amazingly kind kid. I know that at times it must be hard for her to help someone, because she has so much social anxiety. But I do remember more than once in our neighborhood school (when she did attend a brick and mortar school) where she stepped out of her comfort zone to help a kid who needed something, or befriended a lonely child. She sees someone in pain and just wants to help so much. She's never been mean or spiteful to anyone.

-she is always willing to teach herself something new. If she has an interest, she will pursue it to the "nth" degree to become an expert at it. I don't think I have ever had that kind of discipline and I'm 44 years old! She serves as an example to me everyday.

-I think the best thing for us as a family is that we have learned how to work well together. We make concessions, but we see how we can work well as a team. My DD has been a wonderful sister for her brother -- they are each other's best friends. Despite the fact my DS is NT, my DD has taught *him* so much about tolerance, understanding, being helpful, honestly,..the list goes on.

I would never think my son wasn't good enough! I'm NT, my son is aspie, and so many things written on this post already accurately describe the way I feel about him!

He is so clever and comes up with these amazingly different perspectives on things. He is very rational and can be counted on to figure out how to make jobs and food-sharing fair for everyone. He has a strong sense of fairness. He is meticulous with details. He would be an amazing asset to many companies and is quite inventive. Of course, he has some growing up to do first (he's 9) He's honest to a fault (as long as I know how he's perceiving the questions) and I can always count on getting the straight scoop from him. He makes an excellent witness