Newbie parent member saying hello and asking for advice

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Good evening all. This looks like a wonderful site which was recommended to me by a new friend who is an adult Aspie herself. I have a young adult son (mid 20's) who was diagnosed as having autism almost 20 years ago (before an understanding of the word "spectrum" was commonplace) and though his father and I tried to do the best we could for him as he was growing up, I think we did some things very wrong in our zeal to protect him.

Our son didn't have many social problems - this is one parent who says "thank goodness for video games" because it became one of his special talents and provided him with both friends and well developed hand/eye coordination. He has always had difficulty with the rest of his fine and gross motor skills. He made a handful of true friends through their mutual love of video games and these friends protected him from others who wanted to bully him because he didn't pick up on their innuendo and inside jokes. It wasn't until high school that he accepted that he had learning differences and grudgingly went to a specialized high school where he excelled (he now looks back and acknowledges that this was the best thing for him). We never actually used the word "autism" or "aspergers" with him, which is where I feel we made a terrible mistake because it denied him the opportunity to self-advocate and understand some of his strengths and weaknesses (which we all have). It also left him completely unprepared to set realistic expectations for himself.

College was a disaster and though we tried to provide every support to enable him to succeed, he also has an anxiety component to his uniqueness which prevented him from attending classes - he coped with this dissonance by finding reasons to blame others. He blamed it on the programs and now looks on any type of support as "a program" which he has come to resent. He then tried living independently (he begged us to let him try it "his way" for a year) and wasn't able to maintain himself or his living space - yet he still refuses to apply that past experience to the present and blames others. He says that he doesn't care if other people are turned off by his personal hygiene because he doesn't need to impress anyone. I believe that this is all just fearful bravado. He is now living back at home with no prospects for the future and he's floundering. Because of his learning differences, he hasn't been able to get his driver's permit, in spite of the hours I spent studying with him. His friends have long moved away and he has no one. He feels like a captive at home (his father and I need to work during the day) and has grown resentful and now hostile. We have found and proposed several options, all of which include him having his own apartment, with supervised support, vocational counseling and all kinds of other services which would enable him to succeed (i.e. someone to help him study for and get his driver's permit, help him get over that anxious hump of trying a college course or two, etc.) but he feels we only want to control his life and refuses to participate in yet another "program". He wants us to let him live in his own apartment, without supervision, and says he will figure out a way to get his driver's license and attend college. We already tried this, but again, he finds fault in others' for his past failures and says it will be different this time (with no logical reason for why it will be different).

I want to end by saying that my son is, without a doubt, one of the sweetest, kindest and gentlest people I know. He would do anything to help another person, has a quick smile and kind word for others and has so much love in his heart - the way he treats other people makes me beam with pride. He is also a talented writer and I'm sure there are other undiscovered talents. We merely want him to live a happy and fulfilling life and feel that, with the proper assistance, he is capable of achieving all of his goals; however, he is resistent because, in our quest to protect him and not openly discuss what it means to live on the spectrum, we denied him the opportunity to accept this and set realistic expectations.

I am sorry that this post is so long but it's the first time I've shared this with others and the words just keep coming. I am hoping that someone can offer some advice. My new friend, which I noted above, told me that I need to get him to accept his diagnosis and realize that there is no shame in receiving help, but how can I accomplish this when he refuses to believe that he has any diagnosis or needs any help? Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated. I thank you for taking the time to read this and am truly delighted to be a member of this forum.

In a sense, if he learns very differently than others, which he probably does, then others are to blame because they have oriented the program in such a way that is not compatible with his learning style. However they are justified in doing so.



Did he not maintain it to his standards or your standards? Did he want to move back home or did you make him?



I don't really see anything wrong with that. However he will have to deal with the repercussions. He has every right to be dirty. Others have every right not to be near him.



There used to be a website with a quiz similar to the one the DMV uses for their written tests, which was interactive. I passed the written test by just doing the quizzes over and over. I got everything down in one evening whereas if I tried to study from the handbook it would have been largely futile.



If he feels like you are controlling his life, then for all of his practical purposes, you are, and this is just going to make him resentful and disagreeable like an overgrown child. Unless he was at risk of catching the place on fire, I would let him have his own apartment. I would let him keep it as dirty as he wished and I would let him deal with life because he really has to find his own way. If you will be paying for the apartment, tell him you will do this for a year or so and after that, he either has to have a job or be in school or you will not continue to help him financially. That is fair.

As for him blaming others, if you let him set out on his own, eventually, when no one is there to blame or catch his fall, he will likely come to realize he is the one to blame. At this point, he will likely become very down on himself, however you might be able to incept in him the idea that he has the ability to improve his life somewhat by taking steps to correct some of the things that are causing him to fail.

he is an adult now and it sounds like he will need to learn through the school of hard knocks. you can be there for him with your realistic answers when he is ready.

writers don't really need a college degree, depending on what they want to write. does he write regularly? if he does, that's half the key to writing success.

Wow you really have your hands full.

Could you get him to glance over Wrong Planet and maybe see some similarities with himself or learn some coping strategies?

Or do you know of any other Aspies you could introduce him to?

He is in denial and probably won't take anything from Mum and Dad, but an acquaintance might be different...and not a "program"!

You did what you felt was best at the time - don't beat yourself up. You sound like a good Mum.

Its a hard situation when he won't face it, and being the age he is.

All the best I salute you!

All valid points but he is a master at finding others to blame. With that said, he would now be living in an apartment closer to home and wouldn't have the ability to blame others if we're around enough to see what's truly going on.

All sage advice and I thank you for your recommendations.

So in other words, I've been an over-protective parent who needs to let him live his life and be there for support when and if he decides it's needed. That's going to be a hard change after 20 years but I think I know deep down inside that you're right.

As for his writing, he used to write all kinds of material - creative writing, poems, rap songs. It was really rather remarkable and even if I didn't understand some of it (I'm not too proficient in the rap lingo), I was told that he was really quite good.

Your words brought tears to my eyes. Thank you. We always did do we thought was best for him; we made many sacrifices to do so but never let him know that because we just wanted him to have a happy life. Unfortunately, we don't know any other Aspies to introduce him to but perhaps I can get him to look at the site. Thank you for your kind words.

What does he say the problem was? And maybe he should just go to a regular college where he can be anonymous if he wants.


You let them live in unsanitary conditions unless they become actual fire or health hazards. That being said, people can live pretty deplorable conditions before it starts to impact their health, damage the structure, or cause infestation problems. In fact, environments that are too clean are thought to contribute to auto-immune disorders and allergies amongst westerners.



That's right. That doesn't mean you can't be there to help him but I would refrain from taking a role as an authority figure. You can ask him if he needs assistance with something. You can make suggestions to him when he asks or implies he needs them, but unless you feel he is some sort of danger, I would refrain from really stepping in.



Have you asked him? Also, has he gone to actual drivers ed school?



If he wants to live on his own, I would try it again with the stipulation.



Even masters have their limits. He doesn't know it yet, but in a way, accepting that one's self is to blame for something, when one really is, actually makes life easier sometimes because it can cause one to realize how some situations, they alone control, or that they can control them. He can help things go his way by taking responsibility for them.



You're welcome. It make take some time but I hope your son does well.

I don't think there is any fearful bravado involved. Many Aspies simply don't buy into the standards of the world, what at the same time knowing that they themselves are intelligent. Thus, they can jump to the seemingly logical conclusion that everyone else is the problem. If they don't know their brain works differently, they are going to assume that everyone could / would / should see it the same way they do, and if other people don't, then they must be dumb, biased, or mean, or ridiculous. And ... Some Aspies can be stunningly oblivious to how things are (it can be a an asset, in the right situation). I doubt your son sees or fully comprehends the road the blocks in the path ahead well enough to feel any fear at all.

I don't think you can make any progress until he understands who he is and why he has had the conflicts he has had, and places the blame where it belongs, then learns how to reconcile the perception gaps.

I would suggest you find the thing in which he is most interested and focus on that to help him find a vocation and feel better about himself. If it is writing, find one creative writing college course and sign him up. I believe he might be blaming everyone because he might be frustrated and feels depressed and hopeless. If you can foster his special interest and show him success in something it will help him. Perhaps he would read some memoirs of AS adults? Maybe if he sees some similarities between himself and successful AS adults he would be more willing to embrace the fact that he is different. He might be afraid you are inferring that he is "broken" or "damaged" because of the fact that it was never spoken all these years. You will have to repair that and really get him to understand that he has special qualities and that he can be successful in something.

It sounds like youve been given some sage advise from those who have walked in your son's shoes. I think you have done a wonderful and loving job.

I have two questions / points:

Does he understand his diagnosis now? If not, it's time to have a serious discussion of what it is, what it means, and that acceptance will likely open a big world to him. Continued denial, will likely make things worse.

Second, while everyone was saying let his hygiene be his own business, I disagree if it's in my house. My house, my rules. I'm not dealing with foul odors when I spend a lot of time and money providing a pleasant environment. Adults are not entitled to live free in other adults spaces without some sort of cost. For me the cost will likely just be be participating in something (school, job, volunteer - doesn't matter), and treat my needs with respect.

My highly intelligent 16 year old always blames when something doesn't go as planned. I've started saying that figuring out how to succeed in spite of others failings is the lesson. Those others problems will always exist - what are you gonna do about them. (he is still blaming others, but this is my mantra!).

Good luck and welcome. I will say that when I found wrong planet my son was a mess (my 12 year old), I have learned so much here that our lives have done a complete 180, and we are reasonably happy again. Both my son and I have gotten off all medications and life is pretty good.

My son is only 6 so we haven't faced these issues yet. On the radio I often hear advertisements for "visiting angels" -- basically care helpers who will help the elderly with hygiene, cooking, and cleaning. I'm sure you could find a service like that, or even just a regular cleaning service, to go in and keep the place from becoming a health hazard. At some point, if he finds employment, he could start paying the rent and cleaning people himself.