Redemption in suicide

Post Reply New Topic

I don't really know how to begin this topic. I just know that I'm coming really close to killing myself. I'm tired of struggling emotionally, tired of this world, tired of feeling nobody (even here) understands me, and nobody cares anyway. Thoughts of peace in death are bringing me relief and even euphoria. It's almost like looking forward to an appointment in which you'll finally be cured of a life long ailment for good. I feel so alone sometimes, but in death, my neurological need for acceptance will be gone. What is my life, when there are more people than this world could ever sustain anyway? I'm so sick of it all. I'm thinking of taking my paycheck and getting a glock, and putting a hollow point through the roof of my mouth. I'm just so god damn f*****g sick of it all.

People don't understand me at times and yeah I don't think I even fit in here. I thought about suicide at different times but then I would never know my true ending. I'm bad at social skills but if you want to chat send me a message I will do my best to write back.

why don't you take your paycheck and run away instead. i dunno why people are less scared of death than they are of starting completely over. i guess the first one's easier when you have anxiety and allsorts. you sound like you need a break. maybe time off work doing something you enjoy? Life's not really that long at all compared to death, i think it would be a shame to fastforward it.
i don't really have anything insightful/coherent to say, sorry, i just wanted to say something

Hey Trips,
I honestly don't know if ANYone knows how to respond to suicidal statements except people who have lived through them, so here's what I have to say. Living with Asperger's makes you susceptible to depression and anxiety disorders, and I'm no exception. I lived with post-traumatic stress disorder for years, and during those years... life was Hell. I felt as if I were a ghost, physically disconnected from my own lifeless body, yet bound to Earth by relentless emotional torment. No one could reach me, eventually my family stopped trying and most people simply avoided me. I didn't understand WHAT was wrong with me, I just knew that I was broken and helpless. I started drinking, messing around with drugs, and engaging in other self-destructive behaviors.. anything to make me feel something other than what I felt every bloody day. The only thing that got me through was a mantra that I kept telling myself "One day things will be better; I don't know how or when, but they will be... they have to be." I had younger siblings who depended on me, and I had to work to help support our family, so I felt obligated to stay. Felt that there were more important things than one person's suffering, and certain things made it worth while... like seeing my little sister smile, or listening to music by Jason Wade and painting or writing (although, I loathed everything I created, found it repulsive and destroyed nearly everything once it was finished just to spite myself).
An accident knocked me out of it, an accident called ecstasy. (google MDMA PTSD, what have you got to lose?)

I gave up on life, on humanity, on myself... but there were some people who never gave up on me. And when I realized what life could be like, what life IS without having to view it through Hell-vision, I'm glad I lived to regret contemplating suicide.
Don't give up, your life is the greatest thing to ever happen to you... and it's all you have.

i attempted once with pills. i had a really long sleep and woke up feeling better. thought about it again when i lost my profession. glad i didn't. now am married to a great guy and have a nice job. if you feel you're dangerously close to killing yourself, at least try the national suicide hotline first - 1-800-273-talk.

I think I have some understanding how you feel right now--at least about suicide. I felt similarly at one time in my life:

I thought that even if I just disappeared after death, and there was no "me" to experience relief or anything else, nothingness would be better than the conscious misery of life. Just thinking about my own death (which amounted to thinking about nothing, when I tried to imagine it) brought me comfort.

At the time, I didn't feel connected to anybody, and my life-situation seemed so hopeless (social isolation, no job, no school, no home, very limited ability to communicate with others, lots of traumatic experiences, no idea how to make anything better) that I decided the only guarantee in my life was that things could always get worse.

I can't fault anyone who thinks similarly about their own life (sometimes life can really, massively suck and it can be very hard to imagine things improving--especially if you can't imagine how things could improve). But I can tell you that I was very wrong about my life only getting worse--and I think that when it comes to possibilities in anyone's life, there is always the possibility that things can change for the better.

If you ever want to, you can send me a message to vent or talk about things and I'll do my best to understand. (And to get back to you asap--the only computer in my house that's connected to the internet isn't actually mine, so it might take a while).

All I can say is what keeps me from it at times.

I/we don't know for sure that it is a release. We are guessing what goes on after death, religious, atheists, spiritualists, scientists, etc. Is their punishment? Don't know, but at least right now you can have a drink, take a nap, aka find something to mitigate or temporarily stop the pain.

Imagine if death was some sort of 24/7/365 consciousness. Trapped in a bad state of mind in that circumstance I think would be worse than my present condition. Basically, I'm afraid that its a grass is greener type of a thing. In my own analysis of the spectrum of possibilities I'm quite concerned that, especially if you are in a bad place emotionally, that things might only get worse and what little control we have would be permanently lost.

At least here we all know what the game is here, what the rules are. For better or worse I think we are probably best capable of handling our issues here rather than hoping death is a total release, because the one thing we know for sure is if dying doesn't fix it, there is no reversing the decision.

So I'll take the problems I know over a fix that sounds great, but has no guarantees, can't be undone and is a total unknown.

Shooting yourself hurts quite a bit. And it's messy. And apparently people have survived it before.

Yes, shooting yourself can result in brain damage and not get the job done correctly. You've got to factor in one thing - every one of your ancestors didn't kill themselves (before procreation at least). So there is a HUGE drive to survive. That's why it takes a lot of nerve to say, jump off a building, or explains why somebody might flinch at the wrong moment resulting in brain or nerve damage but not death.

There are more humane ways to kill oneself, and books have been written on the subject, i.e Final Exit. I'm not advocating doing this, but if one is going to do it because things have become unbearable, then you might consider better, more sure methods.