how do we know when to switch schools?

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Hi, new here. I have to say of all the boards I've read, this place immediately resonates with me... I finally feel like I can see a lot more perspective.

Anyway, we have our 5-year-old son, Ethan, in grade K in a very nice private school. It has a huge garden (life lab), is a block from the ocean, has nice large rooms with lots of nooks and crannies in them. The day is as close to perfection for him as we could expect. Lots of structure, lots of opportunities to be successful, and to also do his own thing. The only X factor is the recess and lunch break. His teacher is a wonderful, understanding woman. He has two aides who revolve days with him (we pay for them). He seems to remember a lot of his day (he didn't used to in preschool) and seems to enjoy school, as much as we could expect him to.

I know it's only a month into the school year, but... of course, his aides are starting to report to us that the other kids have started grouping off into friendships. And Ethan has none. Do we wait it out? Look at other schools? Try different strategies? We can get him into another school, where his best "friend" goes now--a boy he actually seems to have a connection with. That school provides a wonderful nature setting, lots of trees, plants, farm-type animals to take care of etc. But very little structure, and a lot of free play.

I am so confused right now. I don't know when we start to think it's not going to work out, if we need to ride it out, if there is something more we can do? I'd appreciate any and all ideas!

If he likes where he is and he is doing well, I wouldn't worry. He may not like kids that much, or he may need more time to decide if he likes them. Or the kids may need more time to get used to him.
I wouldn't move him if you don't have to.

I would leave him where he is at - it sounds like an all around good place so far, and quite frankly his at home "friend" may be in a whole little clique at school that might not grow to include your child which would cause hurt feelings both at school and at home, ruining the one peer relationship he's built.

I had one best friend my whole life, literally from diapers until last year (and I'm 44!). The teachers kept us in the same room, and now that I look back, that was a terrible idea. I never made another friend in 12 years of school.

It's time to change schools when the school becomes the problem and they are intractable about helping/fixing it.

if the school's not a problem, why change ?

Hi. My child had a similar experiece when he started school. He is now in grade 4.

Your school sounds like a great environment to build social skills, many interesting activities.

This is what has worked so far for us.

I regularly volunteered in my son's class and became familiar with the childrens personalities. One boy in my son's class was very possitive and had highly developed social skills. He naturally took on the big brother role.

After getting to know his mom, I started inviting their son over for social activity dates. Sports activities like swimming and skating worked well. (I found a wonderful interventionist who taught skating and was testing to become a life guard. ) This way, my son did not have to rely as heavily on his verbal communication skills to build a friendship.

I noticed that after a few months their frienship grew roots of its own within the class.

This socialy aware child casualy introduced my child into group activities and stood by his side during difficult times. I noticed that in time, several other children helped out as well.

My son has now internalized many of these skills. He is now able to help himself in many situations. He still needs reminders and the understanding of a caring friend, but we all do at times.

I hope this positive, peer support system weathers the teen years. I feel great anxiety when I think of high school.

I'd leave a child in a school setting where they were doing well and were happy in. Even if you were to move him into the school where his current friend is there is no guarantee that they would click in that environment. Also there's no predicting what would happen shortly into the future and IMO it's not worth risking a successful placement. My NT daughter and her best friend in preschool wound up in the same kindergarten class and midway through the year the friend had branched out to another girl making it a threesome. When 1st grade started the other two excluded my daughter and it was very tough on her.

coffeeplease gave an incredibly good answer to your question -- I totally agree with that post.

Also, my son (who is now 10) did not have any good friends at that age. He is just beginning to form friendships with nice boys who instinctively seem to understand his differences, and they are just wonderful. We have done 2 1/2 years of social skills classes provided by the state (Pennsylvania), and these have helped immensely.

Does your son have a specialist of some kind who could help with this? Our son has gone to a speech therapist (purely to help with pragmatic language skills), and she has done a once-a-week session in which our son would invite two friends from his class up to the speech therapist's room, where they would play with legos or cars, and she would observe and help our son with play skills. Later on, she had him invite two friends up to her room for lunch once a week, where she would work on his ability to talk in a group and enter conversations. I think both situations were invaluable for his ability to integrate into play groups and conversations on the playground.

I would not pull your son out of that school. It sounds like a lovely place, a terrific setting for a boy on the spectrum, and the difficulty he is having right now may be a distant memory in a year.