PTSD

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please help. What are your experiences of PTSD years after childhood bullying? I fear I have had this a long time, then more recently it has been compounded by a near death experience, then even more recently it has been compounded by extreme bipolar sickness. I keep experiencing bursts of severe anger and hatred out of nowhere, and have strong forgetfulness/avoidance in thinking about all three events. For several years now I have also experienced a lot of bitterness and emotional numbness for no reason.

Today it all feels unbearable. I feel so much hate and anger and everything just for no reason.

If I try to force myself to remember past events/past trauma, will that help me?

Hey, you're not alone. I developed PTSD when I was eight years old, and I was trapped with it until I was nearly twenty. The only thing that provided any relief(aside from alcohol) during those years was talking with people about it... so if you ever need someone to talk or just vent to, you can PM me. Also, google MDMA PTSD if you're looking at treatments; that's what cured mine.

The best I've found is to not avoid the thoughts/memories. They'll always be there, but they need not control you. Talking about it with a professional helps if the thoughts/memories are too traumatic for you share with friends/family.

For them not to control you is by acknowledging them, acknowledging how it all happened (nothing can change it), rather than thoughts for the million of "what ifs" which leads to rumination and obsession and negative thoughts for yourself and/or others.

I thought I was lucky I did not have PTSD from my experiances with bullying at school.......then an as*hole with a gun came in my school and shot a student. Well so much for escaping that hell that was public education without PTSD . But yes since I started experiancing PTSD symptoms from that event a lot of stuff from my childhood started coming back to torment me.


I tried going to therapy of the CBT type and that did not do a whole lot for me, I guess it can help some people though so maybe try getting into some sort of therapy. Also you have to want to get better......as in the sooner you seek treatment the better, trying to ignore it does not work.......I tried that and I don't recommend it if you really want to recover.

What helps me is cannabis, but obviously using that has some problems of its own such as its federally illegal regardless of any little decriminalization laws or legal medical marijuana in some states. But yeah it makes me feel better and decreases a lot of my symptoms or at least makes them more bearable. So not nessisarly suggesting illegal substances but you could look into getting approved for medical marijuana...........or look into other medications that might be used to treat it.

But yes I sometimes get carried away with alcohol and other substances(other than cannabis I feel I have my cannabis use under control) in an attempt to forget about how empty I feel and how hopeless everything seems. Not the best idea, but I guess it helps me fit the criteria since apparently substance abuse is common with PTSD but if you can stay away from that path you're probably better off.

Thankyou all for the help. I try not to avoid the thoughts, but the problem is I just can't remember anything. It's like I've blocked all the stressful experiences completely out of my memory, or suppressed the poison deep, and it bursts to the surface unexpectedly and randomly, causing surges of hate/anger/pain.

I wonder if I should try myself to recount the things that happened to me. Where I should try, on a daily basis, to write one bit at a time in a diary or something. I definitely need professional help, but I'm not in a position yet to organize that, at least not until after Christmas. What do you guys think about the diary idea?

I find a journal to really help during times of extreme anger or sadness. I think it's a good idea for the ones who can really express what they truly feel through writing it out.

I was molested/raped over a period of a couple years as a child, and the trauma never really does go away. Therapy does help, both the formal version of seeing a professional or talking with a very close friend. For me, keeping a journal is also a big help. One thing if you do that, don't censor yourself, just write it all down and get it on the page. If you stifle the writing, you stifle yourself and it doesn't really help. I would definitely not try to remember what you've suppressed on your own. If you start remembering, fine, but don't force it. This is where a good therapist can be really helpful. You could even go to an alanon group. The group support is fantastic, and the PTSD that others have isn't that different than your own.

I don't think anything can flat out cure PTSD, but MDMA is fantastic and highly recommended.

I find that I stifle everything. I stifle my own feelings if I feel they are dangerous or inappropriate. It comes from when I used to stifle pain and hurt and suppress painful memories at school, a pattern developed over years, and just continued on. I feel I am too afraid to break it, because if I lose control I feel like I'll lose everything I have and everyone will hate me again. It's like, if I stop suppressing and controlling what I feel, then I will go back to being the girl bullied in the school yard and the me who is likeable and has friends will cease to exist.

Transcedental meditation[clickable] could be of help. I've heard it can get rid of deep seated trauma. I find it helpful when I am in a not very disturbed mood. Otherwise I find it a li'l hard to sit and meditate.

I understand about stifling feelings because I sure did it. Still do, when I'm feeling down on myself. It is a survival mechanisim and quite frankly if I didn't do it way back when, I'd be crazier than I am today or dead. What I have found out though is that if you stifle everything, the good thoughts get snuffed out too and you actually feel worse in the long run. I don't think feelings are inappropriate, it's how we act on them. It's okay to feel hurt and sad and miserable because it means we're human, and it also means we can feel happiness and joy and peace if we are willing to work on those and not stifle them. Talk to someone about what you are feeling. Go for a walk, and pay attention to your surroundings. A book I would suggest would be The Power of Now, as it teaches you to be in the moment and not let your thoughts clutter up your mind of ruinous self-talk. Do some activity you enjoy and fully immerse yourself into it. Change is hard, and it can be scary to consider it. By posting here though you are taking the first steps to change yourself for the better. I for one am proud of you and pray you will continue.

Sauna's and Steam rooms are a great way to reflect man. I have PTSD as well.

I don't think that forcing yourself to remember past traumatic events will help you. You may inadvertently create false memories of events that didn't happen or disproportionately magnify the trauma, and you certainly do not want to regress to the mental age of when said event happened (unless someone is there to lead you through it, though I'd be wary of whom to trust). Perhaps hypnotherapy could be of some use? However, I've heard that when in a state of hypnosis the subject can be susceptible to false memory syndrome. That's more baggage which do you definitely do not want to take on! Of course, if the memory is already there it is necessary to deal with it...

If you're interested in false memories Loftus did pioneering research in to that field and may be a good place to start. Do not misunderstand me, I am not suggesting that anything that happened to you is false, just that you should be careful. I'm not certain what therapy is best for trauma and I don't claim to be an expert in any sense. Just understand that not all treatments are right for all people, for example, I'd never recommend that somebody who is psychotic should have psychotherapy!

I can recommend some reading if you're interested, as I have access to psychology databases if you need.