Success by 30 or death

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A local from my town has hit it big as a comedian. He just had a relationship with a hot actress from Mad Men, and now he's dating another starlet. He's achieved success and people are attracted to him, and he's getting publicity and love from his home town. He's got it all.

I'm almost 28, and I've never had a girlfriend. My life has been trying to make a great, beautiful film. I've made five features and twice as many shorts, and none mattered a damn.

I'm putting my all into a new film, and it's got to be a masterpiece. I'm going to make my name with this one, and when it comes out people will see what I am capable of. I hope they'll see there is so much more to me than the odd exterior who has trouble socializing. Maybe then some women will give me a chance, and maybe people will even love me and forgive my faults.

If this film doesn't do it, if I fail, if I've not achieved SOMETHING of merit by the time I'm 30, I'll go through with the contract I made with myself earlier this year: I'll kill myself. Because if I've not found love or success as a creator of films by 30, it clearly won't ever happen, and I'd rather be dead.

the exact same thought flashed through my mind earlier, but it sounds stupid out loud

Interesting numbers. May I introduce you to the Saturn return? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saturn_return

I didn't instantly become successful after 28 but life got a heck of a lot less blimming difficult.

It would be a bad idea to throw away your life just before you get into the second act.

"if I've not found love or success as a creator of films by 30, it clearly won't ever happen, and I'd rather be dead."

Why is 30 the magic number? I don't get it..
Oh, you chose it to be 30. Don't say clearly, implying
100%, use a word something like probably/possibly.
Go for it, work on your film. (Not sarcasm, I hate sarcasm).
The definition of success can change, and love isn't really worth it
anyway. Just my 2 cents.

You may reach your goals by 30 or you may not, but there are countless examples of people who are 'successful' at an earlier age but fade into obscurity later on, and plenty of people where the reverse is true.

Please put away the thought of killing yourself. It sounds like you've accomplished a lot in terms of productivity. If you did your best on those projects then really that should be a powerful source of internal validation. External validation in the form of fame/recognition/being loved etc. is temporary and although it's nice to have that reassurance at some point, if you look at examples of people who have excelled, they have almost all tolerated rejection, but it was their persistence that got them there in the end.

Winston Churchill comes to mind. He switched jobs often, encountered many people disagreed with his views, struggled with bi-polar depression, and in his late 50's was considered outdated and past his prime. As it turned out, all those troubles he experienced and his experience with depression really became central in guiding countless millions through some of mankind's darkest hours.

Stephen King had a nail above his writing desk which he would punch all his rejection letters through, then continue writing. He had countless opportunities to become disheartened and de-motivated, but he kept going. He kept going because he enjoyed what he was doing, and because he knew that if he didn't keep going, he would never persuade anybody that he was a good writer.

The wikipedia page on late bloomers (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Late_bloomer ) includes a section on filmmakers. From what I read, you're actually way ahead of many of the big names in terms of what you've accomplished at the very young age of 27. You said you want to put your all into a masterpiece, a great, beautiful film. I think you can, simply because I know that when people really believe something is possible then exercise their will, they can achieve it. If you don't push on with this plan and make it happen then you will deprive us of your God given talents. So, go for it and don't ever ever give up.

I chose 30 because looking at others it seems a good number. Actually it's generous. Amy Winehouse was dead by 27, and look what she left behind. Welles made Citizen Kane at 26. People my age, younger have already won oscars for their debut films, and I can't get f*****g anywhere after five films and a dozen shorts.

Not to mention my friends are all getting married to beautiful women, or they're successes with their websites. One is even in the White House as an aide.

By comparison, I just moved out of my parents house a year ago, and only found a steady job in October after 2 years of scraping by as a freelancer.

I've worked so hard, and yet others have done so much better. I suspect it's because I'm fortunes fool, given desire, but not the talent or ability. I work twice as hard for half the results.

By all rights I should've killed myself by now. But I'm giving myself a little more time. I'm almost 28, so 30 is a nice round number. I will justify my existence by then, or I will cease to exist.

Comparison is a source of endless misery.

A suggestion: look up some self-help books on positive self-talk.

I bet you could achieve all you want now, and you'll still be unhappy with such, because you'll just do the same thing with something else that you define as "succeeding". There's always going to be something out of reach of you. It's like a baby, putting his hand out to the light in the sky, and trying to grab it, but always failing; the baby doesn't realize the light in the sky is just a light bulb. All the light bulb is is but fire.

Someone will always have a bigger club than you. This doesn't mean you can't make your own, unique one, that you made. People might not like it, people might love it; the main thing is if you like it or not.

We all are equal, and don't let society and its caveman ways blind you to it.

(Love is everywhere, don't worry about that.)

Judging by your posts, you seem to define success by how other people are *seemingly* living their lives. You realize most of these people behind closed doors are just as miserable and that it's all a show?

I also don't understand why a said girlfriend/wife has to be "attractive/hot" as defined by society. Are you attractive/hot to women? Hot people date hot people...and can be quite mean (both sexes.)

Why not just find a nice girl that YOU like and not care about impressing other people or living up to a certain standard?

As for the filmmaking...you're doing what you want to do and not selling out with some office job, so isn't that good enough for you as of now?

The answer is because I'm so deficient anyways because of AS, because I'm so hopeless socially, that if I can really succeed at one thing, it will make up for my being damaged goods. If I can just succeed at one thing, it'll make up for being an utter loser at everything else.

If I do something great, maybe a woman, ANY woman will give me a chance, because she'll see the depth of my capability, that I do have some good qualities. As is, they look at me, and see they can do better.

And because others have done so well, done so much by my age, I'm clearly not doing enough. I've averaged a feature a year since I was 22, but I must do more, in the hopes one of them will be the film that justifies my worth. Others hit it out of the park on their first at back, so what the f**k is wrong with me?

That is why if I fail on this next one, I clearly never will, and it will be better if I just do myself in.

Not that it's similar to film making, but a lot of the record setting powerlifters are in their 40s and even 50s. Usually that's past most people's athletic "prime" and they just beat it anyway. I don't see how films would really be much different, especially as you get old, people give you more slack for being old. Plus making films doesn't require physical power like powerlifting does.

So yeah, don't die, just keep trying.

The right one will not look at you and think that you are damaged goods. They look past all that to see your good points. Also having a brighter outlook will improve your chance of communication. May sound silly but it does happen.
Don't generalise all women into this category you have created of them, they have a certain outlook on life as well as yourself.

My cousin wanted to be a millionaire by the time he was 25. When he was 26, his head was found severed from the rest of his body on the main Preston-Glasgow line one September morning.

Make of that what you will - i.e. stop being so ridiculous. It's not an all or nothing thing. Just enjoy life.

I figure, since AS has deprived me of any hope of attaining friends and lovers through charm and personality, if I can do some great works, that might be enough to get people interested, and to look past my vast array of flaws, to give me a chance despite being damaged goods.