Difficulties being an aspie and a mom

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Hi, new mom here to a 5 month old and would like to hear other's experiences and troubles with being a mom. I'm actually better than I thought I would be, mothering has sort of become my new special interest and I'm really into all things natural and attachment parenting. I love it and I'm pretty good at it- most of the time lol. Sometimes I just get really overwhelmed though, like when my baby's cluster feeding I have bouts of being really really ansy and just don't want to be there anymore, and I also have a really small amount of patience at night when I'm tired or when my baby gets up in the middle of the night and won't go to bed after a feeding. She's a really good, easy going baby and will 95% of the time fall asleep right after a feed, but that 5% of the time when she doesn't I just get frustrated so easily.

And then there's the issue of my husband and how sometimes I feel like I can only devote myself to my baby. That's really hard for both of us. We haven't had sex yet, and I don't particularly want to. My mind is totally baby right now. I feel like he has to be there for me all the time to help me. Today I got so mad at him because it was 7 AM and the baby woke up earlier than usual, and I was SO tired from being up so much with her during the night. I wanted so badly for him to take her so I could go back to sleep, but he was downstairs cleaning up (my mom's coming to visit us today). I didn't call down to him to ask him to help or anything, but I just got angrier and angrier that he didn't come, and eventually just lost it and started throwing things and yelled at the baby to shut up. He eventually came up and asked if I wanted him to take her and I just sort of snapped at him and said forget it. But things like that where I never ask him or say what I'd like him to do, but expect him to do it anyway. I don't know, sometimes I feel so babied out sometimes, and I get a bit resentful that he doesn'thave to take care of her, it's just an option. I like being a stay at home mom, but sometimes I get overwhelmed with all things baby if you know what I mean.

Anyway, what are you experiences with being a mom?

Mine have been good so far. Being spat up on, having diaper blow outs, having to run home run time for a pair of fry pants because his diaper leaked so badly and I didn't even bring an extra pair of clothes. I've had to move stuff up to higher places and block stuff off to keep him out.

Luckily my husband always helps out. I don't think a mother should have to ask her husband to help out because it is also their responsibility too so they shouldn't all leave it to the mother and be lazy. But I still think you should have yelled at your husband to come up and take care of the baby so you can sleep since you have done your share at night. He may not have heard the baby cry.

I have slept with my son so I can get some sleep and sometimes I would hold him until he falls asleep no matter how much he cried. I have always ignored his cries. I don't mean not take care of him, I would just hold him and ignore his crying. I also would put my boob to his face to shut him up. After my brother had his baby, I saw how often he needed to be fed and they always had to prepare a bottle for him because he was on formula than on breastmilk so it looked harder and I was so glad I breastfed than formula fed. It was a lot easier taking out my boob and giving it to my son and not have to get up to make him a bottle which takes about five minutes. I can't imagine doing that many times at night too since I was on my own at night. My husband has to get up at four in the morning for work so he has to be in bed by eight so no way was I going to expect him to care for the baby at night too or else he be too tired for work and have more seizures.

But now he is biting and we have to keep pushing him off and say no and will keep trying to get into things he isn't supposed to touch. Kids that young sure know how to test their limits. He knows he isn't supposed to do it but will still try and he will look at me and listen and then sometimes go back to it and I have to then stop him when he doesn't listen.

I am never concerned for my son like my husband is. He has a pink eye for one and my husband was worrying about it and I was like "won't it go away after a few days" and he was already worrying and wanting me to make an appointment but the office was closed so he wanted me to call the advice nurse and she said to use a clean washcloth and wipe his eyes out every couple of hours using warm water and if that doesn't clear within two days, take him to the doctor. I have no idea when I should be making a fuss over something small so I let my husband be the guide.


I honestly thought motherhood be harder than I thought it be. The books and internet sure make it sound harder than it really is. Unless I just got lucky. I get told my baby is mild and hardly cries. he still cries everyday. He did cry a lot when he was first born because he always had gas. But now those days are over and so is the spitting up and the diaper blow outs. I do not understand how parents wouldn't have time for cooking or cleaning or laundry with a baby around because I still managed to get that all done. Thought I don't cook but I still made my pasta. Plus my mother still managed to get that all done too when my brothers and I were little. I don't know what these parents are doing that keeps them from cleaning or showering or cooking or doing laundry. My mom did laundry everyday and she still got it done with us kids being little, same with cooking and cleaning. Maybe they can't leave their baby crying for a few minutes because that is what I did. Maybe they are doing the all or nothing while I did things in pieces and those mothers think everything should be done when they do it than doing little bits at a time and then get back to it later.

I have 5 children
mine are older now and we've come to asperger's only recently while evalualting my teenage daughter. All 5 show traits, and no doubt these traits are from my genes.

best advice I can give is to make sure to schedule regular downtime for yourself so that you remain a calm parent. I can't handle constant stimulation, and total, complete silent downtime helps.

Also, I get hyper-focused to the point of forgetting about other things I need to do. Making lists is helpful.

good luck and enjoy your daughter!! ! Five months is a gorgeous age.

Please don't be hard on yourself, ALL mothers feel overwhelmed, not only aspies.

I promise it will get easier. The worst time for me was when my daughter was really small. I hardly got any sleep as she wanted to suckle 24/7, whilst half asleep. Meanwhile, she hardly gained any weight. Once she started on solids, she started to gain weight, I got a break and she started to sleep through when she was 8 months old. I managed to continue breastfeeding until she was 18 months old. she's on the 98th percentile for height, so the lack of weight gain in the early days has not affected her growth at all, so far.

I remember one morning, just a couple of weeks into solids, my husband took her downstairs, while I tried to get some sleep. She seemed to cry and cry and I never got any sleep at all. I eventually went downstairs to find out what was wrong, to find that he hadn't given her any food! And he never ever took her out for a walk, to give me some peace. I realise now that I should have ordered him to go for a walk. Other than those incidents, he really is a good Dad. He's playing with her just now - he's much better at that sort of thing than me. I like to speak with her and sing and dance, but he's good at rolling cars about the floor.

She has never been an easy child at all, screaming when her clothes/nappy were changed, wanting to suckle all the time - I now know that these were sensory issues. Then, when she started to walk, she would never take hands and refused to sit in her buggy. There were a lot more issues, but at the time, I didn't even realise that she was that different from other babies. However, she's not a bad girl at all, has a lovely caring personality and is very bright.

Anyway, she's waiting to be assessed for autism, probably Aspergers. She's a lot of work, but she amazes me every day with her imagination, energy and ideas. She's the best thing that has ever happened to me and I'm looking forward to meeting the adult she's going to grow into.

You sound like you're doing fine. Good luck.

BTW My daughter's first holiday (actually before she was born) was in Cornwall. I wish it was nearer as we'd vist more often.

I remember those days. I had one with colic who would NOT breastfeed (which meant I had to pump all the time, on top of everything else). I had a less-than-helpful husband, too. I can vaguely remember days when I was so sleep-deprived that I couldn't put a sentence together (and I went back to full time work after 12 weeks). It does get easier or, rather, the challenges change in nature.

Mine are older now (8 and 5) and there are still more days than not when I think to myself, "I've bitten off more than I can chew." Especially since I'm a single mom now. But there are the rewards, too. And it's not like your mom status is negotiable.

The only thing I can suggest is that you become extraordinarily mindful of each moment. You'll be able to live in it and analyze it, put it into larger perspective, at the same time. It can make everything manageable.

Look for everything to turn a corner when your child reaches one year old.

I know attachment parenting is very, very time-consuming. I urge you to find a way to rekindle your relationship with your husband, before bad things start to happen.

I have a 2 year old daughter, and it is really hard sometimes. They say is takes up to a year (or more) for a womans hormones to fully balance out after pregnancy... which can exaggerate any AS traits. Just remember to take it a day at a time, and if you need a break or alone time, get it. I think the most important thing is to have a strong support system... be it your partner, friends, or family. Not all of us have this luxury (I didnt), but if you do, take advantage of it.

The hardest part for me was not in the "baby" stage, but when my daughter started crawling and becoming more aware of her surroundings. It was very difficult for me to always have to worry about someone else. I managed just fine, but I could not help but feel exhausted at the end of each day. Now that my daughter is 2, things have gotten much more relaxed. I think once you pass that communication barrier, it is so much better... Never easy, but more interesting and enjoyable.

I know it is hard, but you must not take your frustrations out on your child. This will have negative consequences as the child gets older. We all have times when we are angry and want to scream, but it is best to have other outlets to release this frustration. My advice to you would be to have a regular routine, reach out to get support as much as you can handle, take time for yourself, and remember that if you are not happy it will be reflected on your child negatively. I think having a regular routine would really help you. Not only is routine healthy for your child, but it is a good way for you to mentally prepare for the demands of each day.

I had a colicky baby, too. I remember after one particularly bad stretch of sleep deprivation actually thinking my baby was the devil and trying to make me go insane. My next thought was that I was insane and I called my mother. She took all the kids and I got some sleep. Then we were fine until the next thing. Life with baby is normally a shock of difficulty until you get the hang of it - then your baby turns into a toddler, turns into a kid, turns into a monster... I mean teenager, and you have to think about new stuff; raising kids is like riding on a roller coaster. Enjoy the ride when you can.

Tell your husband what's going on. He's your partner in this and probably dealing with overwhelming stress as well, especially with you going off on him with no warning. (I know. I do it, too) Be a team. Tell him you need to get some uninterrupted sleep because the stress can push you too far. Then get some sleep. Then let him get some sleep. Unless, you can ask your mom to take the baby and you can both sleep.

And have sex with your husband. I know you don't feel like it but do it anyways. You're just out of practice. Both of you should feel much better afterwards. Seriously, scientists have found that semen can have an anti-depressant effect on women. Plus, there's all that cardio-benefit.

I am a mom, and an aspie. I have a six year old and a four year old. I never had any problems keeping the house together either. I love my kids, but I don't usually understand them. I also don't get upset when they are hurt, which is I guess a good thing, because I am able to respond and calm them down without flapping about as I have seen other mothers do. I do sometimes have a have tough time not laughing when its a minor booboo like them walking into a wall or something, which is I guess not a good thing, but I always give them a hug and a band aid, and neither has ever walked into a wall hard enough to do real damage.
I get really anxious when they are sick though, i worry and worry.