conversation skills

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Hi all,

I have an ongoing difficulty in regard to conversation, social settings, etc. Mostly, carrying a conversation. Here's an example:

The other day at work, me and anohter guy were talking with my manager, who
was telling a couple of us about her grandson (age 2 ½) watching a movie (DVD) and taking it out just at the very end before it was over. It was a funny story, and the guy was asking her “he knows how to change DVD? Did he know the movie was almost over? etc” and other probing questions like that. That kept the conversation going. My problem is that I can never think of questions like that to ask, to keep the conversation going.



I know that difficulty is part of Asperger’s, so it’s something I was born with, just like being legally blind and not being able to drive. I’ve had all my life to adjust to being legally blind, I only found out about Asperger’s last summer, so that will take a little longer. It’s funny, when I write, I can think things out, but in a conversation, it is harder to say something/ask something on the spur of the moment. I’ve had that problem for years, so it really is nothing new. It just gets aggravating from time to time.

I’ve read books on conversation, small talk, etc, but it’s an effort to think of things to say. It’s funny, my neighbor is a nice guy, a couple of years older than me, our conversation is “hey, how ya doing,” whereas my brother in law can easily have a half hour chat with the guy. I envy that.

Ir's funny, a couple of months ago I was trying to get out to lunch with a friend at work, and I actually had a conversation list in my pocket to memorize in case I got stuck. Things kept coming up to postpone it, and I had to keeep revising the list, as it had time related things like the Giants game the previous wekend, the election in November,

Now, I know my manager didn’t come away from our conversation the other day thinking “Kamil (the other guy) asks better questions than Frito,” but he probably does comes across as more talkative (and he is a very charismatic guy). That is not a knock on myself, but it’s something I want to try to work on. I know I do come across as quiet, and while that’s not a bad thing in itself, I would like to seem a little more personable than I probably come across. I can have a brief conversation with someone here, and 10 minutes later, I think of 5 things I could have said or asked to make the conversation longer.

The question is, is it possible to learn to think of probing questions quicker, or is that where my brain is short circuited (the Asperger’s)?

Thanks in advance,

Frito

Hey Frito! A few thoughts on your questions.

First, yes, it is totally possible for folks with Asperger's to learn to be better at coming up with responses on the spur of the moment. It just takes practice, is all. The first time someone sits down at a piano, they're not able to play a song smoothly--it's slow and laborious, they have to double back, and sometimes they hit the wrong keys. But with practice, they're able to hit the notes in time with the song, and they make beautiful music.

It's the same thing with Asperger's. Conversation is slow and halting, we say the wrong things, and we often wish we could go back and try a tricky part of the conversation over again. But with practice, we can get good at it. Asperger's is a challenge, but challenges can be overcome. Rather than thinking of it like being born blind, think of it like having poor eyesight--and you can learn to use glasses. It might take more work for you to learn to be good at conversation, but you can totally do it.

Second, I strongly recommend improv theater classes as a way to help yourself get better at responding quickly. Improv teaches you lots of techniques for reacting on the fly, and those techniques apply to conversation too. Plus, improv theater helps with self-confidence, and you can make new friends. If you live in a reasonably big city, there's probably improv theater classes--just do a google search.
Another option is Toastmasters classes. Toastmasters has something in their meetings called "Table topics" where you're called up to the front and given a question and one minute to answer it. The point is not to have a brilliant answer, but to give you practice thinking on your feet. Toastmasters and improv theater have been really helpful for me in my own social skills (to the point where I even entered a Toastmasters speech competition-- you can see my speech here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KcsSgYDUoRQ). I can't recommend them highly enough.
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Good luck!

Dan

if there is a way i'd like to know it

i've got better at small talk by paying more attention to other peoples conversations and noting the kind of things they say, but i'm still no pro' and often draw blanks.
Trying to censor myself less helps a bit too- the stupid things you're thinking/wondering when someone else tells a story are often exactly what other people were thinking too. get used to verbalising your reactions to things instead of processing it all internally

also, it's a bit broad, but experiencing as much as you can makes conversation easier. even if it's just going for a walk instead of staying indoors- something might happen/you might see something that will give you a little anecdote that you can relay in a relevant conversation. even stuff like watching the news/reading a book/seeing a film can help build up your conversation bank. does that even make sense:/