How do I explain my aversion to telephone conversations?

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Like many aspies, I don't like speaking on the phone, even to people I care about. I need some advice about how to tell people this.

The benefit of labels and brief 'scientific' explanations

I have found that if I can understand why something is the way it is (e.g. "I have a problem in the top right-hand side of my brain") or if I can put a label to something (such as "I struggle to recognise faces -- I have mild prosopagnosia" -- I say this to my students when I ask them to wear name tags), then it's so much easier for everyone.

Telling without explaining is not enough

I want to ask people to please rather send me text messages whenever possible, but when I do, I still feel bad because I can't explain why -- especially f the other person is also an aspie, and they've forgotten or not internalised my request.

But if I don't know what a thing is called, it's harder for me. I am afraid of being perceived as fussy or uncaring or something if I just tell people I don't like speaking on the phone.

I'm part of a circle of aspie friends who see each other every few weeks or so. Some of them have hardly any problems with sound and visual clutter; but because 'sensory overload' and 'sensory problems' are part of my vocabulary, I can explain to them why I don't want to go on an outing to a bowling alley, for example.

Some of the problems of not being able to explain why

Three of these aspies are very comfortable with telephone conversations. Two of them can go on chatting for an hour at a time. (I was like that when I was a teenager too.) They often phone, but I usually don't answer. I send a text message later. It also happens that some friends will phone just after [b]I[/b] have sent a text message, because they then consider me to be 'available', and they're perplexed when I just don't answer. I've told some friends that it's hard for me to speak on the phone, but they're miffed, because when I do actually take a call sometimes, I sound 'normal'. (They don't understand that it takes effort to do that.) They think I'm being rude at other times, or that I don't like them.

So, what should I do?

I don't want t keep doing this. It makes other people feel rejected, and it makes me look like I don't care. How do I explain to them (and to neurotypical friends, clients, family members and others) why I don't like speaking on the phone? Why it causes me distress? Is there some kind of short label for this? Or some summary explanation, such as "because my telephoneographicalisation neurons misfire when they send signals to my limbogangleocognitive dendrites" -- or something else that sounds plausible?

Additional information, maybe not important...

I do sacrifice sometimes, especially if it's my mother or best friend. Sometimes I'll also take a deep breath and answer the phone if it's my dyslexic relative, because sending a detailed message is as much trouble for him as it is for me to talk.

Naturally my phone aversion is more so when I'm experiencing sensory/emotional/cognitive overload, but it's there all the time even when I am in pretty good shape. There are actually some odd exceptions too, such as taking incoming calls from new clients at work -- I don't mind that, and I don't know why, exactly; maybe because the conversation is quite predictable and controllable, and I don't have any emotional connection to the person? I don't like taking calls from existing long-term clients, though, even if I like them.

I'm so bad at bringing my phone places (and remembering to turn the volume on when I can) that people have more or less given up on calling me. They know that I won't take it so they just send me a text.

However I had one acquaintance a while back who called me right after I answered his text several times, because he did not like to answer back by text himself. I just told him that I don't like speaking on the phone and the next time he did that I would not pick up, he laughed and said I was weird (in a none-judging way) and it did not take further explanation.

I know this approach have offended someone. - My grandmother for example do not believe me when I say that I usually check my phone once or twice a day. She thinks I'm like most other young people, a social butterfly who "cant live without my phone", and that I just say that to avoid her calls. But I don't think we have much in common or really like each other anyways so it is what it is.

I never have been one to enjoy very long phone conversations like a lot of people I see doing it regularly.

There are multiple reasons, but the one that I use the most is the fact that it is simply "uncomfortable"

While at work I have to talk to people for some length, but I am able to keep it black and white.

I also am aware of the fact there is a direct reason they called, and an end is within sight.

"I'll let you go now"

"Have another call"

"Thanks for calling"

I am not very fond of telephones myself. If I have to make a phone call my heart races and I feel quite nervous. I'm not quite as bad as I was as a child when I would sometimes just hang up on people if they talked to me for too long. It's stressful, there is an expectation to participate in a spontaneous give and take of dialoge with only auditory stimuli. I imagine that for me it has something to do with the difficulty I experience in listening comprehension excercises in foreign language classes. I do rather well with the visual aspect of language but am somewhat clumsy with the auditory component.


Hearing that I did not possess a cell phone, a professor of mine used to tell me that I simply needed to get one in order to function in life. I found that thought to be rather stressful as well, the idea that I had to engage in something that caused me a great deal of anxiety--or be unable to survive. I've been trying to get over the anxiety I have by forcing myself to make telephone calls and I think I'm getting a little better at it. I've found that calling people from my computer while using a headset is less stressful than using an actual phone, possibly because I spend so much more time on my computer anyway. Fortunately, most of the friends I've have are also more comfortable communicating in text so for the most part my dislike of phones is well-understood. (Though I admit that my tendencies might naturally select for friends who don't rely on telephone conversations as a primary means of communication.)

Personally, I don't feel absolutely obliged to answer an incoming call, because it's my phone and I can do what I want with it. If it's urgent, they can leave voicemail.

However, I feel bad for the other person who may want to talk about a personal problem or a more complex practical thing, and not wait. Especially my friend who is in prison. I understand. There are times when even I feel insecure too and I want to talk to my best friend and cry, or make him feel OK by talking when he needs support. I do understand why they would want to talk or chat or discuss something.

My mother knows I can be avoidant sometimes, and although she doesn't quite understand it, it doesn't cause her to feel rejected, it just inconveniences her sometimes.

My voicemail message (new, recorded about 3 weeks ago) says, "If you're hearing this message, it means it is either difficult or impossible for me to communicate with you vocally. Please leave me a message, or if you want a quick response, phone my office."

So... what do I do to explain the reason to people in short and simple terms? What is the reason?

"... it is either difficult or impossible for me to communicate with you vocally."
I think you've informed them and given a vague enough reason. Vague enough not to be giving some stranger your diagnosis. I'd suggest adding "right now" to the end of that bit, but only so they don't think you'll never want to talk to them -but that might just be me:-$

P.S:I like your attempt at a scientific explanation

No idea why but I attribute part of my aversion to using a phone so a deep-rooted instinctual feeling of "Something is very wrong with this situation." And I get that feeling whenever I listen or talk over a phone. Texting doesn't bug me. No idea why I get that core instinctual feeling though. Yes I do have a cell phone, but it gets used maybe 2-3 times a week, plus it is an ancient pay as you go flip phone. Nobody needs all the fancy apps on the expensive as hell phones.

I'd go almost as far as to say that the telephone is a tentacle of Satan... Well, maybe that's a bit strong, but I despise telephone calls in any way, shape, or form. If I had my way, the telephone would be used for ONE purpose only: To dial 911 when someone is stricken with a potentially fatal peril, or when something is on fire.

Charles

Well, I'm not sure if it's accurate, but you know how they say that Aspies have extra-sensitive hearing? (You know, high-pitched noises, soft noises, et cetera). Well, phones tend to cut off a lot of acoustic bandwidth, especially in the higher frequencies. So sounds over a phone sound unnaturally weird. Perhaps that's part of what makes it so awkward to use the phone.

that is what I was thinking, or (even though it may be even more farfetched), sensitivity to EM fields.

I also hate speaking on the phone. I always run out of things to say too quick and it ends in awkward silences etc.

Its actually scuppered a few budding relationships in the past,w ith them wanting to talk on the phone and me making excuses not to and rather communicate through msn/facebook/texts. I think it makes people feel like im not interested or serious about gettng to know them. Phone conversations I do have are always very short and one sided, I honestly dont know how people manage to have these hour+ long conversations on the phone. My sister constantly has it glued to her ear and my ex was the same. guess its just an aspie thing.

Some people have the ability - in some cases a habitual one - to talk for hours without saying anything.
I think they refer to it as "small talk" or "chit chat",
I tend to call it BS, or a waste of my time
of which I can be more productive.
I don't do the lollygag conversation thing to well due to being concerned about wasting their time.
But some people if not most, seem to spend their time on air time.
Abstract / Black and White / as a matter of Fact / type thinkers
are generally action focused opposed to verbally focused.
After all - actions speak louder than words.

And all this time I thought it was just me.....
Thanks for starting this discussion. I don't understand and can't explain why I don't like answering or talking on the phone. I won't answer the phone unless it's my wife or my mother. I have caller ID so we can see who is calling. And it is all but impossible for me to actually make a phone call.
And yes, having a headset does help for those times
when I absolutely have to talk on the phone.
I also don't use Instant Messaging. I prefer a forum or BBS type format for communication. Or even email. As long as it's not in real time and I can have time to think about how to respond.

Pooh Bear

I hate the telephone. I don't try to explain it to people. I guess they figure it out because after awhile they stop calling me.

My mum calls to check up on me and I'll talk for about five minutes. She's been cool about it and knows it bothers me so she checks my voice and gets whatever she called about it over with. It took yrs. of til she realized I wasn't trying to get out of talking to her even though I explained it profusely. It's weird because I worked in a call center for a year, I don't have anxiety on the phone til I feel like someone wants to continue talking or expects something non mechanical back. That was a long time ago though and my symptoms have gotten so much worse since then.

I like that you want to be direct and explain exactly why to people, myself, I just don't answer the phone, ever, I don't have a mobile phone and I would not have a home phone if it were my choice.
I think my mother asked once why I don't use the phone and I simply told her I hate to talk on the phone. Really the reason would be anxiety and I don't hate the phone but the anxiety I develop over speaking on it.
Others just stop calling and if they won't email or write a letter or communicate via other means then we don't communicate.