My Boyfriend's son has Autism.

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Hello,

I am new to the Autism world. My Boyfriend and I just moved in together and we have his 3 children every other weekend and every sunday. 2 girls 7 and 15 and one boy 13 with Autism.
I would desperatly love advice on how to deal with an autistic child. My boyfriend's son A will scream at the top of his lungs when he doesn't get his way. usually it is for a food like chips and if my BF tells him no he goes away screaming and running. I do not know anything about autism or how to deal with it. My BF tries to put him in Time out but it is never enforced for more then a couple minutes. I have a hard time with the screaming as I have a large dog that gets nervous and stressed when he is screaming and wants to nip him. I do not want anyone to get hurt as well as My house is provided as part of my job and the office is attached to my house and I do not want to disturb my boss or other staff members with A's tantrums. Please Help. I want to do right by A but I do not want to give in to his every food whim just to keep him quiet as he is already overweight. Do I just stop bringing chips into the house. A is functional and is verbal with some things. His table manners are horrible and he rarely uses a utensil. and he only wants to eat Kraft Dinner which is not healthy.
Somebody please help I know how I would expect a normal child to behave but how do I deal with a Autistic One.
The Ex-wife is not wanting to meet me so I can't ask how she deals with him durring the rest of the week so I can keep his routine similar.

I know bio mom does not want to talk to you, but will she talk to the dad?

Food aversions/rigid preferences are par, but I am not sure the tantrums over chips is standard/typical autistic behavior. My child, will refuse to eat things he has an aversion, to, but he does not have tantrums over getting treats. That said, every kid is different, so that is why I was wondering if your bf might be able to get more information. If need be, yes, you may have to stop bringing them over, if you do not want him to eat them. You may be asking too much self control then he is capable of.

Time outs seem to work best for us when they are not a "punishment" but used as an opportunity for him to calm down. I even give myself time outs when I need them.

Food preferences can be expanded but you have to know what else he will eat. If the only thing is Mac and Cheese maybe try to get him to take a small bite of cheesy mashed potatoes. Also you can serve other things (in separate bowls/plates if need be) and not give him a hard time if he won't but try to get him to at least touch or smell the new foods. After many more trials than it would take a typical child, he might give a food he has been exposed to, a try.

It's striking to me that you are the one who is trying to manage the autistic boy and not his father. You are risking your job, home & dog by having your boyfriend live in with you; given that he has an autistic son who outbursts. That's a life-load of risk.

Does your boyfriend not understand the risk you both have imperiled yourself with? Why does your boyfriend not have a better handle on how to interact with his son?

I would agree with your idea - if you don't want him screaming over chips, the easiest answer is not to have chips in the house. I'd also suggest that if you've only got him for 6-8 days a month, Kraft dinners aren't ideal, but if his mother is the primary caregiver, she should be managing his diet.

I am sorry to read about your situation, it sounds incredibly difficult. I'd suggest looking at the sticky at the top of the forum and picking out some of the books to read. You should also take a look at Tracker's ebook at http://asdstuff.com/ If you have a better general idea, you may have an easier time finding a way to ask specific questions.

I'd also suggest training the dog, as it will probably take less time than teaching the child not to scream - http://community.dog.com/forums/p/82867/648109.aspx

While I understand that the mother may not want anything to do with you, you're going to need to find a way to communicate because one of the primary issues with Autism is rigidity. Keeping change to a minimum will help everybody. Try writing out a list of questions and sending them home with the kids, or ask the 15-year-old to help you piece things together. You'll want to know what he typically eats and what his daily routine is.

If you can't do that, or even if you can, try creating a visual schedule and visual maps of how the day is going to go. You might even try finding pictures of what you're going to be serving at meals and posting those at the appropriate times, so what you're serving at least won't be a surprise. http://cdd.unm.edu/swan/autism_course/m ... ure01.html

Is there anything you can give him in place of the chips? My son (age three) does this sort of thing sometimes. He'll ask repeatedly for things like ice cream, cake, donuts, etc and then start wailing because we won't give them to him (or don't have them available anyway!)

At this point he doesn't have much communicative language so we can't really explain to him, "Eating cake all day is bad for you" etc. The wailing can go on for a long time so the only thing we can really do is redirect him. We might give him a healthier food, for example give him a Flintstones vitamin type thing and say it's candy. We can also try to redirect him to another activity that he enjoys and hope he forgets about the snacks.

Perhaps posting some "House Rules" and going over them the first day of the weekend visit will help. Lay out the house rules in simple terms. If he asks why, it may help him to explain your reason for each rule so that he understands. Sometimes just clearly stating rules can be helpful. When he is breaking a rule, go over the Rules List again and help him come up with a better solution. You can't change his behavior in the little time you have him, but you can do your best to be clear about expectation and consequences. Does he have any consequences for rude behavior?

When it comes to food, one trouble we will have is if we allow DS to get hungry. If he gets hungry, his ability to cope plummets and he will just melt down if he doesn't get the only food he thinks he wants. He will start flipping out, not even over the food but because he's hungry but want want what I'm offering.

I can prevent this by offering healthy foods that he likes before he's too hungry. This has caused me to allow things I normally wouldn't, but whatever works, right? For instance, this morning I made a pineapple mango smoothie with protein powder, and brought it to him while he was playing minecraft. I don't allow food in the office BUT he wasn't going to transition and come downstairs, and if I lwaited until he was starving he would not have eaten anything healthy and would have been looking for candy. Later I brought him ants on a log (celery, peanut butter and raisens).

I would never have let my older nt guy have snacks in the office, but I need to do it this was for DS, since its what he needs. It also makes all of our lives better, since meltdowns suck for everyone.

Also, dont sweat what he eats, so long as it doesn't make his behavior worse, his parents can worry about that.

There are alot of red flags in this situation. Foremost - how or why on earth a mother would send her child into someone's care and deny them the knowledge to properly care for that child.

I agree with others here - you need to arm yourself with some basic knowledge first because the specific information people here may be able to offer will mean little to you without a basic understanding of autism and what you are dealing with.

Many kids on the spectrum have food aversions/taste sensitivities/ problems with changes in routines. The positive influence you may be able to provide on weekends isn't likely to stick so well if it is not followed through at home. Knowing his home routine would greatly improve your chances of smoothing things out at your home. ASD kids like routine and are more prone to acting out when their routine changes. Definitely set up a routine in your home and make sure it is discussed, posted and enforced throughout the visit - not just for him but for everyone in the house.

In the heat of a tantrum/meltdown - you will need to do quite a bit of reading and observation to be able to distinguish the two apart - diffuse it and/or redirect it. Keep a calm voice. Let him know that behavior is not acceptable in your house and ask him to go cool down - suggest a quiet place - his room, a spare room. The 'time out' technique isn't successful for many people with kids on the spectrum. In my case my daughter has Asperger's - she outsmarted this technique with rules lawyering. Other ASD kids aren't just 'acting out' - if that 'temper tantrum' is actually a pre-meltdown, something like timeout could just escalate it until he is out of control. This 'behavior' may not be a choice he is making but a reaction he cannot control.

There are so many variables and kudos for you for trying to find answers. I also agree with others who suggested getting dad to get that crucial routine information from his mother.

Not sure I agree with this 100%...while I definitely give my son more leeway in this area than and NT kid would get, if I gave him cookies, cake, etc every time he asked for it he'd weigh about 300 lb by now.

The dog is appropriately reacting to a large male human who is screaming at the top of his lungs; it's terrified. Dogs (or any mammal) are unlikely to be trained out of appropriate innate fears.

For that matter, we humans are unable to overcome our autonomic physical responses to bellowing; nor should we try to overcome them. Our autonomic responses are our protective gift of fear; in the natural world, bellowing/screaming/shrieking signals violence. That's true for all mammals.

Pantheon; you have likely put yourself in an untenable situation.

This cannot be stressed enough. It's near to impossible for someone who hasn't experience with autism to immediately understand the depth to which rigidity penetrates folks with autism. Wise parents of an autistic child create an environment wherein the child (in this case an adolescent) has predictable routine with as few surprises as possible. (The arrival of any visitor might trigger a meltdown, for instance.)

The advise that you educate yourself on autism is crucial, but that education comes with no guarantees.You are in a situation where a weekly visit to your place may never cease to be an unsettling break in this boy's routine. It may take days for him to decompress from the stress of each stay at your home. It's no wonder to me that the boy's mother is mute. She is likely enduring extra meltdowns due to the autistic boy's newly stressful weekends. She knows the impossibility of creating predictability for her son in a situation which is, by definition, transient and destabilizing (he goes away and comes back).

You and your boyfriend have the adult prerogative (and dare I say, responsibility?) to rethink your living arrangement in light of: unnecessary stress to the autistic boy & his sisters; unnecessary stress to your employer; and danger to/from your beleaguered dog. Perhaps everyone would fare better if your boyfriend keeps his own place for weekends. Only the two of you can fix this; the children, the mother, your employer and the dog are in this situation at your and your boyfriend's will.

Yeah...when he comes over, don't have the chips. Or put them in a safe spot when he's in the house, where he's not going to find them...storage in a closet, under the bed..etc. I've had weight issues over the years, which i've finally gotten a handle on and kept my weight down for about 4 years now. One of my big tricks is just not to have things in the house that I shouldn't eat regularly. Anything that causes that kind of stress on him and esp on you is not worth having in the kitchen.

I work with children for a living as well as having a daughter on the spectrum...what I've noticed is that sometimes parents who have children with disabilities either 1) feel guilty about the child's disability and give in to their child's whims or 2) give in to their child's whims because it is incredibly difficult to cope. This makes it difficult as an educator to know how much of a problem is disability and how much is learned behavior. Encourage your SO to provide consistent boundaries...If time-outs cause screaming...don't time out. Simply don't give in to screaming fits....every time a parent/caregiver gives into a screaming fit, we are providing a boundary/message that screaming fits are valuable/valid coping tools. That's a behavior that first has to be "unlearned."

What I meant, is the amount of time the child is spending with dad and girlfriend, is not enough to have a significant impact. The parents, are responsible for managing the diet of the child.

Thankyou very much for all of your helpful tips.
My boyfriend is very much involved in his kids lives and does his best but there definatly is a comunication meltdown between him and his ex.
I have decided to show him this site and all of your posts as well I will ask for his help in writing a letter to his ex so that wwe can keep A's visits with us as normal as possible and as close to his normal routine. A is most of the time a delight to be around, He loves to give Hugs and he is very creative in his drawing and i have found providing him with markers and plenty of paper makes him very happy. He does have his own room at our house and is free to put up his drawings on his walls. I really enjoy seeing what he creates.
I do like the post about putting up food pictures and times when it will be served and i do think that more regularly schedualed meals would keep things more controlled.
As for My dog I do belive that she is reacting in a normal way and I keep a close eye on her when he is here. Not sure I can train her to ignore raised stressed voices though....
I also like the idea of hiding the chips or removing them all together though i am not sure if my boyfriend would go for that.
As for him moving out, not really an option as this is a long term relationship and i didn't even meet the kids until we were together 6 months.
I am not sure I unrstand the difference between Meltdown and acting out.


Thankyou again for all the imput It really helps talking to ppl who deal with this every day.

Acting out is intentional. An autistic meltdown is involuntary and cannot be controlled or stopped by the person experiencing it nor by onlookers, once the meltdown has started.

That said; onlookers cannot necessarily distinguish which are episodes of acting out and which are autistic meltdowns.

I think the term "meltdown" is one of the most abused/misused words on autism forums - a lot of people use it to describe any type of tantrum.

Like the above poster said, it's something that the person experiencing it cannot control. I've heard it described as similar to a panic attack.

If he's throwing a fit because you won't give him potato chips, and stops when he gets them, then it's not a "meltdown."

I just wanted to repeat MomSparky's advice about checking out Tracker's ebook. http://asdstuff.com/ It is free, and I found it incredibly valuable, and still use it as a resource when I need reminders about things, even though I am an Aspie, myself. That ebook will give you all sorts of detailed info on meltdowns and other things that will help you out, especially if you can get your bf to coordinate things with his ex and make things as consistent as possible between locations...