Putting things behind you

Post Reply New Topic

There's this thing that people sometimes do when they've had a bad conflict.....they arrive at a point where some offense or other is from that time on assumed to be over and done with, never to be raised again.

I was wondering whether Aspies have particular trouble doing this.....drawing a line under old, hurtful events. I've never been good at it. If insensitivity or aggression hurts me significantly, it tends to come back into my head for ages afterwards, and if I'm encouraged to put it behind me and move on, I feel censored....my anger and pain continue but I'm not supposed to air that any more.

Even when I've aired all my thoughts and feelings about a significantly hurtful issue, and some kind of apology has been made, if I don't know exactly why they did it and by what mechanism they hope to avoid doing it again, then I just can't seem to let go of it. To my mind that seems logical.....if a close friend hurts me significantly and my best efforts fail to elucidate the cause and cure for the problem, how can I responsibly pretend that it never happened and won't happen again? So if that person later happens to say "we're the best of friends, aren't we?" I feel tempted to say "not really - you did that horrible thing and I still don't know how you could have done it, and for all I know you' might give me another dose."

Anybody know where I'm coming from here?

I am often accused of not being able to "let things go" if I feel I've been hard done by. People laugh because I remember the smallest incidents from my childhood and bring them up if I think they're relevant.

Interesting.......I haven't been called out for recalling childhood misfortunes, though I do it a lot with people I'm close to, because I feel it will help them to understand me and get on with me better. If you know a person's history, what their traumas have been, you might be able to understand better why they react strangely to particular challenges.....e.g. if a woman's father abandoned her at an early age, she's likely to have a morbid fear of her partner deserting her, which might masquerade as possessiveness or misandry.

When I used to tell my partner about how my parents were with me, she would lose her patience and start trying to tell me that they were only doing their best. But I wasn't trying to demonise them - I know they didn't have enough light to do any better - I was just trying to explain what I'd been through in the hope of getting a bit of closure and explaining how I became the person I am today.

I have found that although I am 21, I have stopped trusting people already. I've often been friends with people who seem nice then suddenly go all weird on me and decide to never speak to me again, even though I haven't done anything to make them be this way. That's now made me think that anyone could do it, and so now when a friend doesn't ring me back or something, I always immedidately assume that they have gone funny with me or don't want to be friends any more. Then I feel guilty for thinking that when they do finally ring back. But it's just because I've lost trust in people. I know there's something up there that doesn't want me to have friends or be socially happy, so that is why I'm always waiting for the next bad thing.

In my last year of school, I was friends with 2 girls who were awful to me. They didn't bully me exactly, but they were very two-faced; one day they were good friends with me, the next day they suddenly concocted up something about me to have the arseache over, even though I knew they just made it up just to be bitchy. I know that can be typical of teenage girls, but this was happening to me nearly every week, and I was getting sick and tired of it. Then one of the girls kept on calling me weird to my face and telling me that everyone in our class are against me and are laughing at me - which I knew they weren't. I knew some of the kids in our class since I was as young as 3, and this bitchy girl had only known them for about and year and a half, because she had come new to the class. Although I tried not to believe the lies she was telling me, it still made me feel upset because she kept on trying to turn other people against me, and gloated when I was seen on my own and gave me dirty looks if I was seen with other girls. Then one day, this girl got really upset because the PE teacher was nasty to her because she had forgot her PE kit, and I did too but the teacher let me off. This girl was upset and said to me, ''why would the teacher let you off and not me? What's the difference between me and you?'' And I felt like being sarcastic and saying, ''well, evidentally, the difference between us two is I'm weird and you're not!'' But I didn't (stupid me!)
But anyway, all of this what had gone on in my last year of school was more terrible than it sounds, and I think it made me leave school with no confidence in myself, and I still don't believe in myself today, and I just know it's because of all that s**t going on in my last year of school. It was something I really didn't need.

That's a sad story, Joe90. Although I always try to see the good in everybody, I've come to realise that for all practical purposes some people are just too heartless and sadistic.....it's a shame that you had to deal with them during your formative years. I think it's quite common for Aspies to become magnets for bullies, probably because we're not socially quick enough to realise what's going on, so we're an easy target for anybody who wants to make themselves look good by making others look bad.

I wouldn't feel guilty about assuming an unreturned call means that the person has dumped you. It's not as if you do anything to hurt them while you're assuming the worst.....you're the only one who suffers when you think that. I make those kinds of assumptions myself about people who don't reciprocate, but these days I know it's my head getting things confused, so as well as the feeling that they don't want to know me, I don't close down the notion that there could be an innocent reason. A counsellor gave me a good tip when I was upset about a potential girlfriend who had suddenly vanished out of my life........she asked me if I thought I'd ever see her again, and I said I though I would at some point. She said I should ask her why, and if she gives a good reason then fine, if she doesn't, then I'm better off without her.

But it's slow progress, and I'll probably always have to cope with some level of paranoia when people don't show. Currently I'm upset because a friend has suddenly pulled out of a small party without giving any explanation except that he's busy. I can't let go of the notion that it's something I've said.....one minute he's keen and he's asking when it starts, I reply, and then suddenly he decides he's too busy to come. So I'm looking through my email and feeling paranoid that he disapproves of this or that. I feel like letting him go and rot, but if I pluck up a bit of courage, I think I just might ask him why he can't come. I might even put him on the slot and ask him if it's what I suspect it might be. But isn't it usually considered rude to duck out of an invitation without giving a decent reason?

Yer well I believe that NTs break social rules too. I've now learnt that just because an NT does something, doesn't make it socially acceptable. Some people are insecure, some people are too confident or unconfident, and some are just jerks. You get a lot of nice people about too, I am not putting the general population down. I really admire NTs, but I've just come across some who behave inappropriately.

We are highly sensitive creatures much more so than NT's. Once we have lots of rejection or failed social experiences this heightens our sensitivity to issues with friends, so we then anticipate them and have massive buttons that can be pushed easily by this situation.
The initial sensitivity leads to an overreaction that is not understood by the NT's and then creates its own set of problems to the point where the initial impetus for the overreaction is ignored and only the overreaction itself is criticised.
You can see the downward spiral.
The only way out I believe is to find others with similar values to yourself and that way they will disappoint you much less than the people you hang out with currently.
When you do have a problem with someone delay reacting and rehurse the best possible way to send a clear message assertively (not aggressively or angrily) and then do so. Angry messages are misinterpreted and then bounce back and confuse you and you will spend hours and days trying to validate your own position in your head and how you were wronged.
Assertive messages are much less open to interpretation by the NT and although they may not agree or even respond to you, you know that you have got the message accross - which basically for me anyway is the most important part.
Once people have crossed the line and they now know it and you send a clear message and try your best not to overreact try to see the situation from their point of view no matter now ridiculous their way of looking at the situation is they are still able to have their opinion.
If you can't agree to disagree at the very least or manage to get an appology that is meaningful evaluate how important the relationship really is to you.
Decide a course of action - keep being friends knowing that they have vastly different values and beliefs, dial back the friendship and have minimal interaction based out of necessity only (what i do with most of my family now) or terminate the friendship and never look back.
Understand that black and white thinking is not really that helpful and try to strike a compromise - no one is perfect including yourself.
I usually give people a few chances to redeem themselves before fully terminating a friendship.

I can relate to this albeit from an NT angle. I have unintentionally hurt someone with ASDs quite badly, without realising it. By the time the person raised it with me it had almost reached the point of no return. I apologised and I have been lucky enough to have been given another chance. The other person is more or less convinced that it will happen again because of past experiences with other people, and because he tends not to fight his corner, just withdraws.

So in answer to your experience, I hope I won't act in the same way again, but can I guarantee it? I'm not sure anyone can guarantee that sort of thing. I can promise to try very very hard. Human beings make mistakes and are not perfect.

I too feel the tension between forgiving and forgetting (that's what I'm getting from your post, rightly or wrongly). Forgiveness is possible but forgetting is not something we have much control over. And while a past conflict or hurt is still within my memory there is the possibility I might be tempted to bring it up during an argument. I'd say that is a particular feature of longer term relationships like important friendships or marriages.

I feel that if a sincere apology was made and has been accepted then bringing the matter up again at a later date in an accusatory way is unhelpful and a bit unfair. That's not to say I never do it, but it's almost always a bad idea.

It's a difficult area, this foregiveness thing. I can't say whether hanging on to past negative experiences is connected to ASDs. But I suspect there may be a tendency to have had more than an average number of negative experiences.

I can also imagine that people with ASDs who are not into forming relationships are more intensely affected or disappointed when they do enter into those rare friendships, almost against their better judgment, and it goes wrong.

Yeah I know what you mean.

Well it makes it worse when you have a fear of rejection, like I do. I don't like people mucking me about, but I also don't want to be lonely either. I have so many NT cousins around me who are all getting on and succeeding and doing this and that with mates and going out and meeting girlfriends and boyfriends, and it just makes me worry that I will be lonely for the rest of my life and will die alone. Then people start getting onto me saying, ''oh you should be seeing friends like [name] is'', and it just makes me feel even more miserable and unworthy.

I don't like being alone. Having friends mean I get more chance of getting out and about more and meeting more people and building up my confidence and making me come out of my shell more and feeling happy about myself. It also helps on my anxieties because socialising stops me from thinking and worrying too much, and I can push pessimistic thoughts aside for a while and just have fun. I have learnt not to be too clingy with friends, and I know how to be a nice trusting person, and I would never let other people down if I can help it. I just wish NTs didn't act so sensitive and get the hump over any little thing. And NTs know that they are like that because I had a friend who used to text me, and if I didn't reply for more than an hour, he would put ''Ok what's wrong now?'', and I didn't like the way he put that. ''What's wrong now'', ''now'' presumably meaning ''you have always got the hump so what's wrong this time?'', even though I usually reply back straight away, unless I'm busy and haven't checked my phone or my phone has run out of batteries or I have no more credit left or something. But otherwise I make sure I respond, just writing general stuff what people put on texts. But I suppose I'm not really that surprised that people lose their trust in other people - perhaps they've known people throughout their life who have turned for no apparent reason and think that everybody can be like it, no matter how nice they seem. I don't do that though. If I have a problem with someone, I either put up with it or show non-verbal signs that indicates their fault and makes them realise, but still show that I am willing to carry on being their friend. If a friend hasn't rang me back or anything, I do assume that they might of gone funny (because I am paranoid all the time), but I don't put stupid texts saying ''OK what's wrong now?'' or ''have you got the hump with me?''. I just wait til they reply, and just worry quietly if they don't, and hope they will ring the next day, or I give them another ring the next day to see if they're all right. That's the way it should be.

I can really relate to you Joe90.I don't really trust anyone and I hate being alone.When I text friends I get paranoid when I don't get a quick response and think that I have done something wrong which I haven't it's just me worrying

Me too. I don't trust people either. I just don't know how to interpret people at all. People are wildly unpredictable and their behavior makes no sense to me. I can't just accept that a person is my friend because I don't know if they really are or not, and if they are, I don't know how long it will last.

I got hurt really badly by someone cutting me off like that. I thought we were friends, then without warning they just stopped talking to me. When I tried to find out why and resolve it, they accused me of being a "stalker". Years later the person actually apologized to me, and we tried to be friends again, but I saw signs that things might go wrong all over again. So I realized I couldn't be friends with someone again who had already treated me like that.

Now when I don't hear back from people, I worry that it's going to happen all over again. I don't know if they are just busy, or if they are actually avoiding me, or if they might even be talking about me behind my back telling other people I am a stalker. I don't even know how I am possibly supposed to know the difference. I don't even know how to tell if someone likes me or not.

I have a hard time of doing that I can easily hold grudges when people do me wrong.
I had a friend who didn't support me and she made rude comments she even goes as far as bragging about all her nephews and nieces knowing I lost one of mine I never told her I lost the other one.

Another time a woman who was my case worker at this employment place I was at put some awful things about me in my files while she was pretending to be my friend I found out about it because we were allowed to read our files I was angry and upset the new case worker shredded up the pages that had those things on it.

I have nothing behind me but the wall; it's all out there in front of me.

That's the exact same thing I've gone through for most of my life, but I've recently started letting those bad memories go. I've come to realize that they aren't doing me any good, so why drag them around and let them keep bringing me down?

I say that you shouldn't be expected to. Sure, people make mistakes, and it is not reasonable to rely on anyone all the time, but in my experience it's been those who are intentionally mean spirited and who ask for forgiveness(and, as a result, guilt trip you) that are, more often than not, the repeat offenders. They will never change, so the only way to move on would be to cut them out of your life as best you can. I would not be friends with people who I can't trust.