Why bother really

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Sometimes I find myself trying to visualize what a woman wants in a man, and comparing myself to the image to see if I measure up.

I often picture good looks, smarts, educated, mentally tough, talented, strong, (someone to protect them since they're relative weak physically) charismatic/interesting to talk to, can drive, and working at a decent job. (most likely for someone at my age which is 25)

Also, living on their own or away from parents.


If it was a survey I couldn't put a check to any of the things I mentioned.

I'm not what you would call "handsome", people often refer to me as being slow and stupid, I was in special ed until dropped out in the 9th grade so I have no formal education. I can't make people laugh, I'm a bit boring to talk to, and I can't hold a conversation about anything really interesting for too long. I don't have any impressive or useful talents, I can't drive, (which is pathetic for someone my age) can't work, still live with my parents, surviving off my disability and just scrapping by every month, along with food stamps.

Just can't see any decent girl being interested in someone like me. Despite what people say here, I think it's more about "reality" than "self-esteem". I think I view myself as objectively as possible.

Getting past the loneliness and being able to think a bit deeper I started realizing that dating probably wouldn't be applicable for a person like me anyway.

What if by the off chance that a minor miracle happens and a female shows interest in me?; I can't drive and don't much (any) money so I wouldn't be able to take her on any real dates. (movies, restaurants, etc) I'm a bit emotionally immature, so I don't know how I'd react in a relationship regarding different problems. (however big or small) Flirting and touching would be incredibly awkward. I'd need personal space, ( a bunch) and I would have to deal with the immense pressure of trying to be and act normal (also trying not to embarrass myself) around people, including her friends and family. I just can't fake being normal, hell people mock and make fun just by seeing my face and hearing me talk for a while. (which is annoying, because it's not like I can change any of that about myself) I don't really know how much of a protector I would be either.

There's also the part about sex and me not budging until I'm married, that can be a problem as people that think the same as me on this are becoming more and more rare. I often hear sex is an important part of an relationship.

I think the best place for me is where I am now; In my room, to myself, with the things I love. (sports, anime, video games, etc) All this space to myself. No drama, anxiety, stress, bad feelings, and/or pressure from difficult situations. No worries about being taken advantage of and mocked. I can just be "me".

I've always somewhat felt this way throughout my youth, (despite some urges to get out and make friends and date, no matter how impossible the odds were) but didn't start acting on it until a few years ago.

Dating/relationships is more trouble than it's worth (for me at least) so why bother really?

I think my life would probably be a lot better If I stop worrying about other people's personal lives so much. Also if I stopped comparing myself to people and got rid my obsessive jealousy. The loneliness is pretty hard but I think I could deal with that if I got rid of these other problems.

Maybe you shouldn't bother yet.

Try to improve other aspects of your life instead. You might be surprised - love often happens while you're making other plans.

Social pressure is something difficult to endure in regard of what we are and of what we really want.

By the age of 29, I was still in the very same situation as you mentioned above.

I met my wife one year later and she pushed me through all the needed steps in order to "grow up".

First thing is: you know you have some very negative points.

You'll just need the love of someone to carry out with your personal development and give you the strenght to work on yourself.

That will happen when you will be ready and not before.

Things sometimes happen slowly, especially for somes of our kind ^_^

...and social pressure is, once again, something difficult to endure... bla, bla, bla

Just give yourself some time and don't stress yourself too much, it would only have side effects on what you do best now: reaching the next step, once again, what we all do since we're born

Yes, this is more or less my issue. The contingency planning. Sure, I could probably "get" a girl, but it's the maintaining that's the problem. So I don't bother. To me getting a girlfriend while not having my finances, house, and emotional stuff in order is dumb. It's like trying to get a brand new car while you're on welfare. Yeah, you can do it, no, it won't turn out good or be a wise decision. I'm in the same position on premarital sex, too, that and I'm Christian, so any girl I date has to be Christian (of some sort, even if she's not gonna be a mega super cool Orthodox Christian) too.

I don't know, I don't hope I'm forever like this, now I'm in a position in my life where I can "get" girls pretty easily, just I choose not to, as I can't honestly see myself make anything sustainable out of it. As for my advice, well, just try not to beat yourself up about it. You're seeing things realistically and being smart. Improve yourself, and stay OPEN to a relationship, just be cautious about it, but if some kinda blatantly obvious relationship opportunity comes up, you "fall in love" or whatever, I guess at least express your feelings to said girl and see where it goes from there.

Now that I say this, in contrast, one of my biggest mistakes I've made in my life was denying myself a girl I fell for, for similar (actually in some ways worse circumstantially) reasoning. Said girl ended up with another boyfriend, and ended up getting married, right while I was there with my silly stupid little feelings, never expressing them to her. It kinda has, well, I was gonna say ruined, but I don't know how all things will pan out, but it's drastically altered, the path my life was on. I've been going through I guess somewhat of a nervous breakdown, with that incident being the spearhead of it. Obviously nothing happens in isolation, but yeah. So, this is where these silly stupid feelings and emotions come into play. For me, what I did was "logical" in light of my circumstances, but it was dead wrong to do, but I thought it logical to do at the time.

So, you know, try to improve yourself to the best of your ability, do what you can do, in the meantime, don't try to make yourself a "playa" or anything, despite what your dumbass friends try to tell you. Just, if a girl like that comes your way, and you "fall in love" or whatever, don't do what I did, you'll probably regret not trying more than trying in a situation like that.

Also, if you do happen to want to meet likeminded girls on the sex before marriage thing, check out a church. A church in general could be good for you, most importantly spiritually, but you might meet some people, too. It's not all sunshine and rainbows in churches, though, at least in my experience, it's pretty awkward there socially too, depending on the denomination, the individual church and the way it's led. I can make a whole thread on the church thing, but I don't know, I just found church helpful, you might too. If you do wanna discuss this in detail, feel free to PM me I guess.

But yeah, I'd say this time you are right, and you're not just being a negative spoilsport who needs to go out and try harder. I hope in my case, things pan out to point it'd be like, not ridiculous for me to have an involved romantic relationship with a girl, but, if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. People say all this crap of "oh, well, you'll be happier if you tried." Well, no, not necessarily. An example I use is this, people say, let's take cars "Oh I can't work on cars, I'm too dumb, I'll break something, etc." Me, I used to just think it was an excuse for them just not trying hard enough, as I don't even naturally good at working on cars, and I still do it. But then I realized, we just assign as humans, different values for failure for different things. For me, I've gotten ingrained in my head that "failure" with a girl hurts a lot, but my experience shows that failing, say, working on a car, doesn't hurt as much, doesn't affect me as much emotionally, etc, so I work on cars. So, I wish other people, before pointing out that I'm being illogical in not wanting to risk failure with a girl, could see the planks in their own eyes regarding the way they don't wanna risk failure at many other things.

Oh well, final advice, go see if you can buy a cheap car to work on, it's fun and stuff. Great hobby.

i think its more important for you to learn to love yourself more than you currently do before you seek relationships.

i dont think many girls would be attracted to the 'woe is me, i hate myself, i hate life, i'll never improve, nothing will ever change' lifestyle you seem to live in. i'd imagine most girls like people who will build them up and make them feel good about themselves, and make them happy. what you are currently seeking is the .01% of girls who would tolerate or be 'ok' with your depressing line of thinking.

you can change, though. there IS hope. you just have to TRY. whats 1 thing you could work on? hygiene? maybe getting a job? talking to people better? getting out of the house? theres many things you could be working on, even if they are small things. baby steps. you wont change overnight.

That's a whole lot of generalisations regarding what girls want, and while that is the idea being preached in popular culture, the reality is that once you get away from those who subscribe to this idea, you find a lot of people who don't actually care about this. None of my female friends care if the man they date have a job or strength or looks handsome – what they do care about is that they have something they want to do, something they love to do, and that they're not bitter.

Re: elliterations

I learned a lot just by lurking and reading through this forums over the past years before I started posting. (mainly women's forum and L&D)

A lot of the women here claim they prefer someone who is intelligent, smart, educated, interesting to talk to and be around, confident, has a strong personality, etc. (Good looks matter obviously. I often hear women say it doesn't matter as much, but I don't really know how true that is)