Turn for the worse

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Greetings,
I've been in here before to get a variety of perspectives on how to deal with my probably Aspie husband as an NT. After a year and a half of just being completely absorbed in his hobbies, my husband has made no effort to improve his life and unemployed status. He saw jobs and didn't follow up because of the distraction. Our house continues to be trashed, laundry doesn't get done. I'm working 3 jobs to support us and had reached my wits end. I spoke to his mother about getting him help as we are very rural and she lives in an urban area. I gave him an ultimatum that he had to get his life back on track or I would end our relationship. I forwarded the email to his mother so she would be aware of exactly what was said. When I got home that night he was very wound up. I was exhausted to point of collapse...exhausted by everything from the past 11 years. He started in on my and he pushed the wrong button and it exploded into a shouting match. He then punched me twice in the arm. I was so stunned and now I'm petrified, his explosive temper has always been there but had never become physical before. In abusive NT relationships this usually escalates after the first hit. Anyone have experience with this in AS/NT relationship? I think our relationship has come to an end but I would really appreciate some input before I take any legal measures.

It sounds abusive, regardless of his AS. AS is no excuse for hitting you. I would take his actions as a preview of what could be unleashed if you allow him access to you in the future.

Relationships are supposed to have a balance, where each person is a full person and the two of you overlap in the areas of your common life together. If you've spent all your energy and resources trying to keep the family afloat of course you are going to run out of patience and energy because your needs are going unmet.

Sometimes the mothers are of no help, when you most need it. Regardless of what she says or he says you need to firmly set your boundaries and create a safe place for yourself where you will not be afraid in your own home. Saying something as broad as "get your life together" will probably not yield any results because it is an unmanageably large statement. What specific goals would you require from him? such as, the dishes get ran and put away twice a week, the mail gets recycled daily, he cooks dinner on certain days of the week, attends counseling, anything specific that would be attainable broken down into smaller tasks.

Im not sure if there are any AS specific abuse books, but one book I recommend is Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. You probably know in your heart and body if you can handle being in the relationship as it is, or if you cannot. Be careful because abuse may escalate sharply when you set boundaries and start to move away from what the abuser has become used to, and changing what he is allowed to get away and his routine could make him more disturbed and cruel. Just speaking from my experiences.