Wait, why do I feel bad about the eye contact issue?

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If it is ever brought up I should just say 'well you know what, I don't trust you.........earn my trust and you'll get more eye contact'. what is so wrong with that? I don't need people I don't know seeing what's there.

That's a good question in general. Why do people feel bad about being themselves?

I read Micheal Carly's book, 'austim from the inside out', in it he spoke that austistics in studies are shown to watch people's mouths rather than look at their eyes.

I never noticed this trait in myself until I read this, and then it was immediatly apparent that I did this as well. With some practice, I found I could change this behaviour and look at a person in one eye only while talking to them; extremely difficult and uncomfortable for the longest time.

A couple of years later I can now converse with people looking them in the eyes, (both of them), and not look at their mouths moving at all. I still feel very apprehesive doing this, but the crux of the situation is that looking people in the eyes while talking to them is an 'expected social norm for behavior'. I've noticed less interpersonal conflict since I started forcing myself to do this.

Still I'm sad that there is so much hate and biotry in the world. I wish people could accept me as I am, allow me to watch their mouths during converations and not look them in the eyes, whiich I find unpleasant. Its not a perfect world, you just meddle through the best you can.

I understand exactly what you are saying. Eye contact makes me so uncomfortable that I will not put myself through trying to improve it ever again in my life. I have tried. Why should I put myself through hell to make someone else feel better on such a superficial issue.

I have come across people who tell me that my lack of eye contact means that I am a liar... These days, the type of people that would give me that kind of crap are not welcome to be a part of my life. When I was your age though it was much harder to not take it on board.

I find it kind of overwhelming to look people in the eye. I can make myself do it, but I have a hard time keeping track of what they're saying if I do. I'm most attentive when I'm looking just a little bit away from someone's face, and doing something with my hands.

{Not related to eye contact, per se, but to misread meanings.} I had someone tell me that I was a manipulative liar because I took too long to respond during emotional conversations sometimes. It "indicated" that I was figuring out how to manipulate the person, when usually I'm just dumbfounded and trying to figure out what I can say that won't piss the person off to begin with. I really wish I could afford to give up trying to defend myself against stupidity.




I'm too busy trying to picture what they're saying or what I'm trying to convey in my head, and looking at someone for too long distracts those images.

I learned in high school to look people in the eye more, though I also grew up with a mother who demanded, during her angry outbursts, that I look at her while she was talking to me. So, I've been at this a while. I tend to look in the person's left eye, which is directly across from my right eye. For some reason, looking across to their right eye is very difficult for me. I've heard that there's some sort of meaning conveyed by which eye you look in, but I can't remember what it is. I'd find looking in both kind of weird.

When I found out that sometimes Aspies accidentally stare at people in overcompensation, I was concerned, but I've checked in with my friends lately and been told my eye contact is fine. Good thing. Having initially experimented with it, I've found that trying to count seconds and looking back and forth is very tiring on my eyes, as well as very distracting. It makes it very hard to focus on what the other person is saying.

I have to admit that, while looking in someone's eye or eyes may be more comfortable for them and may convey some extra info to me, watching the mouth does make it easier sometimes to understand their words. Think about it. If it takes you a while to process the auditory input, a little visual is a nice aid. So, maybe we're lip reading a little to help ourselves catch up, right? Also, if it cuts down on other information coming in, we don't have to "multitask" by processing different, and only sometimes congruent, messages.

I'd say, don't worry about this thing too much. If you learn to make eye contact enough to do it when you want to for some reason, just in case such a situation might one day arise, you'll probably more easily and naturally make just enough for it to be all right when the time comes. There is an up side, you know. When someone who's really earned your trust smiles, you get to see all of it. As I've gone on in life, I've come to see that more of a really genuine smile is in the eyes than I'd originally realized. And, if you're not sure you trust someone, if you see that, even though their smile is broad, it doesn't quite reach their eyes, this may help to protect you. (This means finding out, however, if they might have some legitimate reason for that to be the case, whether it's for neurological, emotional, or muscular reasons.)

interesting.... I had a 'mother' that demanded eye contact during her angry outbursts... and all I could manage was looking at her mouth (so, I guess I hadn't even been doing that much until she made demands ?) and once I pointed my eyeballs at her mouth, she would continue her rant about whatever... so,... apparently she could not tell I wasn't really looking at her eyes. Believe me, she would have spent all day forcing the issue if she had known.

I can do the eye contact thing, of course. But it took years & a lot of missed employment oppurtunities before I learned I needed to.
And yes, I more often tend to watch people's mouths. Not sure why, except the few non-verbal things I know concern smiles, frowns etc.
I don't feel bad about it, but some people take it either as a sign that I do not like them personally, or that I am hiding something.

Sincerely,
Matthew

Same with mine....and its weird at the time I figured the angry outbursts were justifiable now I know that it was actually irrational, inappropriate behavior on her part. I dread the day I get into a bad argument with her and bring up some of the not so pleasant things I remember her doing when I was a kid because I feel like she would get really upset and for whatever reason I don't want to put her through that and would feel bad if I did.

I remember being taught by my Dad that I should look people in the eyes when I spoke to them. And so I have always thought that I have done it. But then I can remember when I was Mum to a small child discovering that if I looked at her she would be happy, but that if I didn't look at her she would get naughty or attention-seeking (she is NT).
When I found out about my Aspergers I explored what it was like NOT to look people in the eye and discovered a world of personal comfort and relief!! So I don't look anyone in the eye who I don't need too, ie; strangers and people in shops etc. And even at work I mostly don't look at people much, just glance at them occasionally during a conversation so that they know I am listening. It is lovely to be free of that obligation, so if it makes you uncomfortable, don't do it!

Having said all that, people who have faces that I like will get stared at. I just love to look at some people!

hi there,

shall I tell you something spooky?

I noticed when I was 29 that when I imagine the people I fell in love, they got everything, nose, lips, hair, figure... except eyes!!.... and it seemed totally normal to me that I always imagined them in my dreams without eyes... and then once I wondered why this is the case....

isn't that freaky?

anton

Countless social situations have taught me to think about what I say and how it could be interpreted. Maintaining proper eye contact (not too much, not too little) requires my full attention, but so does holding my tongue. Trying to do both at the same time results in embarrassing situations. The world of NTs never fails to perplex me.

Last edited by Manifesto on 07 Feb 2012, 9:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

People who demand that you look them in the eye are domineering jerks. It's an intimidation tactic used by bullies and self-important power-tripping twats.

That was pretty much the conclusion that I came to!

If I'm in a situation where eye contact is important, I look at the space between the eyes instead. I find that less uncomfortable, and the person I'm talking to can't tell the difference.