Starting at a new school tomorrow. How to make friends?

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Hey guys, I'm 19 and tomorrow I am starting a new course at a new school.

Here's a bit of backstory to hopefully help you guys understand the situation I'm in:
So basically during my last few years of highschool, I didn't have many friends. I wasn't very good at talking and I wasn't very good at making friends. I was shy (well, I still am) and afraid to approach people (also still am), so basically my last few years of highschool was very lonely.

I went to a university type thing to do a course last year in 2011. And before I started that course I had similar thoughts that I have right now.

I wanted to start fresh, since I was with a new group of classmates. So on the 1st day I guess I wanted to make an impression. I failed. I tried a few times to talk to some other students, but I failed. I actually tried a few times, but the guy ignored me?
When lunch time came the first few days, I stood around hoping someone would invite me into their group for lunch. No one did. Some times people talked to me, but not too much. Usually it was "Hey" or "Seeya"

So basically as the days went by and no one was talking to me/inviting me, and I ate my lunched alone, I guess I realised that once again I will be alone this year and stopped trying. It was a very lonely and boring year, and I didn't make any friends but I got through it.

Thankfully I decided to change course for this year (2012) in which the first orientation class starts in a few hours! and now I am worried that I may screw up yet again and not be able to get any friends.

I've been at home for several months on holidays (I'm in Australia you see so this is summer for us now ) so I'm really worried about this sudden change that I'll have to get used to another school.

Basically I need to know what to do as soon as I enter those classroom doors. What do I do to make people notice me? How do I start a conversation?
How do I get people to invite me to lunch with them? How do I not act so awkward all the time? What if everyone is already in their groups, what do I do?

I also have a weird voice and wear glasses and I also look younger than my age. Could this be a reason others ignore me most of the time? I also have a feeling I may have Aspergers Syndrome, but I am not 100% sure cos I wasnt diagnosed with it as far as I know


Well I've probably already typed to much so I'll just leave it at that. I'd really appreciate all the good advice you guys can give me.

Atm it's 4:17am, and my new course starts at 9am. I may not even sleep tonight. I am scared. I don't want to go through another year of being a loner

Please help me I start in less than 5 hours and I haven't slept

Thanks everyone

Last edited by JimmyJ on 12 Feb 2012, 12:29 pm, edited 5 times in total.

Replies: 0
Views: 63

Now I feel like I'm on the wrong forum :S

Maybe you should look for someone who looks uncofident and talk to this person. Or you should at first observe some hours,days and if you see someone who's alone or at least not always accompanied you could talk to them. Sometimes.....either you'll find someone who's just as lonely as you or you find someone who's very tolerant,sociable and accepting. Especially with the last group it doesn't really matter how you act and you can just be yourself.
I'd say it takes a lot of luck to find someone who matches one of these profiles.

Other than that, I don't really know, I always talk to people who seem to be one of those types, or I talk to people who for some reason or another act friendly towards me and approach me. Sometimes it's a hit and sometimes it's a miss.

Also...look for someone who shares somekind of interest with you that could be helpful,too.

Phaedrus

Just concentrate on getting sleep and arriving at school on time for now.

[Moved from General Autism Discussion to Social Skills and Making Friends]

Okay so today was just a short orientation day. It was only a few hours and most of it was just the teachers going on about god knows what, so I didn't really get to meet or talk to any other students.

I noticed though, that most (if not all) of the other students already knew eachother I think. Because this is actually the 2nd year of the course for them. I went straight into the 2nd, so I'm the new kid and they know eachother. Yet no one greeted me (the new kid) a warm welcome??? Not one student said a word to me?

But tomorrow is when the class really starts, and I need to do something about it!

Help! thanks

Hey Jimmy, hope the new course goes well! Firstly, well done for making the attempt to interact with others socially, otherwise known as "getting out there". I understand that you've had difficulties with making friends in the past, I have too but there are a number of things that will help you make friends.

One thing that you really have to remember with a group of people that already know each other is that, although a sad fact, most of them aren't going to make the effort to get to know you without you initiating it. I'm not saying that they are bad people, it's just the way they're programmed, autistic or not. You need to get talking to people casually during the uni day e.g. "What did you think of that lecture?" and try and mix with a wide variety of people.

You have mentioned that you tried to talk to people in the last place you were but perhaps talking to more people will increase your chance of success? One very important thing is consistency, relationships are build on many social interactions over a span of time, if someone isn't interested in knowing you, try and find someone who is.

The first few weeks are crucial, start fresh and don't connect this university with your last one, you will force barriers onto yourself and think that you can't make friends. You probably know the usual advice so I'm not going to advise you about the usual things such as sports teams and clubs but I will say that if they have an extra curricular course that suits your interests, join it, it will help you make friends.

Be friendly, but not over friendly, if someone needs your help e.g. their books fall over, you could ask if they want help (very important) and help them but don't go too out of the way to help someone that you aren't great friends with, you will come off desperate.

Body language and facial expressions are very important; they speak louder than words which are a problem for some of us. For example, if I was talking to someone who wasn't making eye contact and glancing over my shoulder I would think that they aren't interested in what I have to say. In another situation if someone was making eye contact most of the time, giving input to the conversation I would think that they care about what I have to say. If someone was to have their arms folded while they were talking to me, they appear guarded and that they don't want to talk to me, this is the rule of thumb but some people do it because they find it more comfortable.

Tone of voice and pauses between conversations are important too, a few seconds response time means that they are enjoying the conversation, long pauses and short responses if not a deep conversation mean that the person isn't enjoying the conversation. Moral of the story by conscious about what message you're sending out.

Find out what places people from the college like to go to e.g. club and be there sometimes, while you're there make casual conversation with others and try and build up friendships. Local interests e.g. sports teams are also good conversation starters. Be true to yourself though, if you build up friendships based on interests that you don't really have, the friendship won't last.

There are many ways to increase your chances of making friends those are just a few, you mention that you think that you’re autistic, so you MAY have difficulty with body language etc. I found that watching tv with the volume down helped a lot. Don’t let your disability get you down and stop you doing things.

I used to think that I’d never have friends and be a nobody, but after I got rid of my preconceived ideas I made friends, true with trouble but I did, I was student councillor and a member of my school’s Green School’s committee. I had problems communicating about what I had to say, I found once I could text and use websites e.g. Facebook to talk to friends etc. I felt more comfortable around people and could form my sentences between because through texts I learnt what the appropriate responses were.

Don’t rely on this method though, it was frustrating being silent all day and then texting frantically at night, use a mixture of spoken words and texts etc. because texts will only get you so far.


That’s it from me, I hope things go well and stay positive; you will make friends soon!

A lot of the other students are going to be just as uncomfortable approaching you as you are them, especially if they are also having first-day jitters. They're going to be trying to minimize their own discomfort, and that will mean re-establishing and congregating with previous connections for continuing students, or being just as shy if they are new students like yourself.

I'm a pretty outgoing person in general, but I still tend to sit back and focus on my studies during the first week or two of a new class and just watch how interactions with the other students progress. I don't tend to assume I should start talking to just anyone. I usually mentally rank people and decide who seem like people I might get along with and therefore might be worth approaching. I'll find that some people will annoy me through sheer observation, founded or unfounded, so I'll likely not try to approach those people. During this observation time, if anyone approaches me, I'm very nice and courteous, as they may be just asking to borrow a pencil or they may be trying to start an actual conversation, and either way I don't want to give them the impression that I am unapproachable or not interested in conversing. It's too easy to get annoyed by someone approaching before I'm ready (or even if I'm just in the middle of a train of thought!), so I have to stifle that feeling, and instead be open to the possibility that someone else might start talking to me when I least expect it.

Whenever I do get up the nerve to talk with someone, I make sure to keep topics related to classroom topics or discussions that have come up during class, but I try to get the other person talking. Usually after observing enough I'll find someone whose opinion or experience I might be interested in, so I'll ask if they might share that with me. I make sure it isn't something that they might consider too personal as best as I can. For instance, if someone I think seems interesting mentions during the course of class that one day they'd like to become a teacher, then I'll use that information combined with my interest in getting to know the person better as a means of approaching them after class to strike up a conversation. I'll say, "Pardon me, I heard you mention in class that you are interested in becoming a teacher, and that sounded interesting. Do you have a moment to chat about it?"

Things I try to keep in mind are:
- Striking up a conversation may not work, the person may not want to talk with me, or maybe they are busy at that moment, and all of that is okay and shouldn't be something that I take personally. If the person is obviously mean or rude to me ("Leave me alone, weirdo!"), then they just did me a favor of showing me their true self, and I don't want to have a conversation with them anyway. If they decline the invite and I am unsure if they were blowing me off, then I won't take it personally, but I also won't try again with the assumption that, if they weren't trying to blow me off, then they were also interested in the conversation and may try to approach me later. In either case it means that I have extended an invite and it's now in their court to respond if they are interested.

- Instead of trying to find a friend, I try to find someone interesting. It is more likely that a conversation about a particular topic will be a one-off, or that the person will only be interested in talking with me about specific topics or only for the duration of the class, rather than them becoming a new best friend. I do not assume that a person showing interest in a particular conversation means they are showing interest in becoming a friend. If we are meant to be friends, that friendship will develop naturally over the course of many different conversations and many different interactions, and could take on any number of different types of friendships. I just try to enjoy each conversation and interaction on its own merits at the time.

- I always make sure I have two things: 1)an honest interest in getting to know the other person, and 2)an honest interest in the topic I am using to strike up the conversation. Without both of these things I feel like I'm acting fake and will probably give off a feeling of unease that the other person will detect. Feeling nervous for the sake of being nervous is not the same as feeling unease because I am faking interest in the person or the topic of conversation. It's okay for me to be honestly nervous, but not okay for me to be forcing a conversation. The good thing about this is that if I'm honestly interested in the person and the topic, I tend to relax naturally and not be so nervous in the first place. Win-Win!

I hope all of this helps. Good luck in your new school.

Haha - Hi NicoleR!

I'm NicoleG.

Looks like we had a lot of similar advice to give. This is making me giggle.

Thanks Nicole 1 and 2, but how do I start a conversation in the first place? Do I perhaps ask a fellow student to borrow something or ask for advice on something?

Also when it's time for lunch and everyones leaving the room what do I do in that situation? It's so awkward walking out with the others but not actually be in their group
How do I get them to invite me to come along? Is there some special body language or look I can give to give them an indication I want to come along to lunch?
And please dont tell me to just ask them that would be much too scary

Also when entering the classroom where do I sit? I have trouble with this. Is it awkward and would it seem desperate if I sat next to someone? Or should I just sit on my own?
Should I try sit next to a different person each time we go to a class in hope that one of them will be nice enough to talk to me ? Cos the person I sat next to today said nothing to me

Thanks guys

Anyone here?? Class is soon

I don't know that I could add much more than I have above, but I'll answer your direct questions.

You need a Topic of Conversation in order to have a conversation. Asking to borrow something or asking for advice on something is not the same as having a topic to discuss. Either of those may lead to a topical conversation, but that's not guaranteed. I mentioned above an example of how (and why and when) to start a conversation with someone, so maybe re-read that.

I never bought in to the idea that picking a seat in a room or going out to lunch had to have anything to do with friendship issues. When entering, I pick a seat that feels comfortable for my learning experience. Even at work, if I'm entering a room for a meeting I try to pick a seat that will allow me to see the speaker and any boards I need to see without having to put my glasses on or crane my neck, much the same as picking out a seat in a movie theater for the most pleasant viewing experience. I also like being able to see as much of the room as possible and sit with my back against the wall if possible and yet not have to have other people's heads in the way. It never had anything to do with picking which people I did or didn't want to sit near. Typically, once I found a seat that I liked in the classroom, I tended to want to continue sitting in that location as best as possible. When in a classroom with unassigned seats, you'll find the students might move around a little bit at first, but the room tends to stabilize and people will continue trying to sit in the approximate same places once they get comfortable.

At lunchtime, about the only thing on my mind is eating lunch, and I've never cared one way or the other about eating lunch by myself. If I can eat lunch with other people, that's fine, but a lot of times lunch is when I get to be alone with my own thoughts, so sometimes I prefer eating alone. Just before graduating high school I spent almost the entire year eating lunch by myself and reading, and I thoroughly enjoyed not having my reading get interrupted by others talking around me. Years later, I now treat myself about once a week to a really nice sushi lunch, and I like to go by myself and again take a reading book. I'm a regular, which means the lady that owns the restaurant and the waitresses all recognize me, and know that I'm either going to order hot tea or Sprite to drink depending on the weather, so they always ask, "Would you like hot tea or Sprite, today?" instead of asking, "What would you like to drink?"

Thanks.

2nd day went by and still no friends or discussion. I barely said a few words while there. After lunch while waiting outside the class, the others arrived in their groups, and they SAW me, but said NOTHING. I think I noticed maybe 1 or 2 who may have also been alone at lunch, but I'm not sure.

Meh, I might just have to quit this course. Not for this reason alone, but also because it's just a crappy course and a waste of my time (SEPERATE ISSUE ) Could barely keep my eyes open in class yesterday. It was so boring I left an hour or two early, barely 2 days into the course.

Might try to just go for the rest of the week and see how I go. If things don't get better maybe I'll just quit. Hope my parents dont get mad or anything.

Maybe I should just get some random job. School seems like a total waste of time anyway. I'd rather flip burgers than waste 7 hours a day of my life without getting anything in return. Atleast with a crappy job you still get SOMETHING back.

This is probably the wrong thread to discuss this now lol, sorry I'll shut up

I agree, there are alternatives to college and school but you need a fair amount of money to invest into something, if you can come up with a entrepreneurial idea, you could be on to something. You could even advertise in the newspaper if you have a skill or expertise. However it's still good to get a college education because it can lead to other opportunities and help you realize your priorities. Remember most of these people at college, you won't have to see them again once the course is complete.

You could try showing up to class early to make small talk with some other people there. If you have some assignment you are working on, you could ask them how they're doing on it...or if you're going over something complex you could ask if they understand it. These are just ideas for ways you might initiate a conversation. This could help you to start talking to a few people in your class and and eventually get to know them better.

As for your appearance, I'm sure no one will avoid you because of how you look. They may, however, avoid you because of how you present yourself. For example, if you always walk around with your head looking down and don't smile, there is next to no chance that people will approach you. However, if you hold your head high and look happier there is a much greater chance that people will be comfortable approaching you and initiating a conversation. One thing I've learned though is that you can't always rely on others to initiate it, sometimes you have to do that part yourself!