What are some social cues that you can't recognize?
Mummy_of_Peanut
Veteran
Joined: 20 Feb 2011
Age: 51
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,564
Location: Bonnie Scotland
What exactly do you mean by "coming on"?
He doesn't know when someone fancies him and he's being chatted up.
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"We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all we need to make us really happy is something to be enthusiatic about." Charles Kingsley
When visiting someone's house, I can't tell when it's time to leave. I either way over stay my welcome (since visiting people is rare for me, I kind of think, well, I'm here, might as well get the most of it) or I leave too soon, fearing I will stay too long or because I'm not comfortable.
I also mis-read someone being attracted. I either miss that a male is being attracted, which I'm not interested in, and just think he's very friendly and then might be too friendly back not realizing what is happening. Or, if it is a female I find attractive (even a clerk at a store who gives me direct eye contact and a warm smile) I think she's in love with me.
I miss cues of another person being board or uninterested when I build up a head of steam on a special interest topic. And I have a hell of a hard time figuring out if a person likes me or finds me utterly unappealing. I have no idea what is going on when someone uses verbal irony to express what they are saying. I take everything very literally.
I've often read this thing about communication being 10% the words people use and 90% non-verbal body language, tone of voice, etc. For me, it is the exact other way around. I grew up in a family where lots of us use an argumentative, intense tone of voice to say things, so someone using that tone to me does not make me think they are stressed out, just excited about what they are telling me.
I miss all kinds of subtle hints of any kind. If the person does not tell me what it is in precise, direct language, No Comprendo for me.
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Fiat justitia, ruat caelum.
I also mis-read someone being attracted. I either miss that a male is being attracted, which I'm not interested in, and just think he's very friendly and then might be too friendly back not realizing what is happening. Or, if it is a female I find attractive (even a clerk at a store who gives me direct eye contact and a warm smile) I think she's in love with me.
I miss cues of another person being board or uninterested when I build up a head of steam on a special interest topic. And I have a hell of a hard time figuring out if a person likes me or finds me utterly unappealing. I have no idea what is going on when someone uses verbal irony to express what they are saying. I take everything very literally.
I've often read this thing about communication being 10% the words people use and 90% non-verbal body language, tone of voice, etc. For me, it is the exact other way around. I grew up in a family where lots of us use an argumentative, intense tone of voice to say things, so someone using that tone to me does not make me think they are stressed out, just excited about what they are telling me.
I miss all kinds of subtle hints of any kind. If the person does not tell me what it is in precise, direct language, No Comprendo for me.
This
The flirting thing definitely. I have had people tell me they thought I was flirting when I really wasn't, I have had guys make a move which to me has come completely out of the blue, I have announced I was married and not interested only to be told they weren't interested either - I don't seem to be very good at it in general (although mercifully most of the time we can make a joke of it/take it as a compliment).
Not being able to tell when people aren't interested in what I am saying. According to my husband I quite often repeat myself because I think someone hasn't heard what I said when apparently they didn't respond because they just weren't interested and wanted me to shut up.
Not knowing whether people like me or not. I have a few close friends who I do know like me because they have consistently chosen to spend time with me over a period of years and I don't do all the chasing. But I have had other relationships where people have said they do but then I have not only not been invited to things but have found out they have deliberately lied to me to exclude me from events on more than one occasion. Or I have met someone and thought it went really well and they have said they will call to meet up again but then they haven't and I'm not sure why.
Me as well. I usually err on the side of leaving too soon. Between that, and not talking enough due to fear of boring people, I've had a lot of people, who I actually liked quite a bit, think I hated them.
I also get told pretty regularly that some girl I spoke to was flirting with me. I used to think people were making fun of me when they'd tell me that, until one told me that she had been and I'd been completely oblivious.
Hell, there was one time a girl I worked with told me her bf was out of town and that she was frustrated, then invited me over to her house. It was a few days before I realized what she was getting at.
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If life's not beautiful without the pain,
well I'd just rather never ever even see beauty again.
Well as life gets longer, awful feels softer.
And it feels pretty soft to me.
Modest Mouse - The View
That's it. When I was single, guys would tell me that I was getting hit on just because a woman said, "Hello" or "Do you have the time?" It never occurred to me that they were interested in me, and not just making idle chatter.
ghostar
Velociraptor
Joined: 20 Dec 2011
Age: 44
Gender: Female
Posts: 403
Location: Most likely work. Sigh.
I am with Fnord, Wolfheart and many others on this thread...I have NO IDEA when men are hitting on me or flirting or whatever. Even when they ask me out, I rarely realize they are asking me on a date and not just to go hang out as friends.
Since I am relatively cute (I think but who the hell really knows?) and makeup/fashion/shoes happen to be special interests of mine, I think I seem really NT to people until they really get to know me. Until then, most guys think I dislike them even if I am smitten.
Thank goodness I am rarely smitten. It makes me feel nauseous.
If only I could meet a real life Sheldon Cooper...maybe I will move to Pasadena, CA. lol
Sigh.
Sweetleaf
Veteran
Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,829
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
Oh, man, that's me. I recently went to a social gathering at a co-worker's house, and I was the last one to leave. I stayed so late that I ended up going on errands with my co-worker, because I was still there, and she asked if I wanted to accompany her. I didn't really, but I didn't want to be rude. In reflection, she probably only asked me so as to not be rude, also.
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Aspie Quiz: AS - 141/200, NT - 77/200 (Very likely an Aspie)
AQ: 34/50 (Aspie range)
EQ: 32 / SQ: 68 (Extreme Systemizing / AS or HFA)
Diagnosed with AS and Anxiety Disorder - NOS on 03/21/2012
I'm not sure - ever.
I'm very observant so I see the knowing looks but totally miss what they're about.
Knowing when to leave or when someone's flirting with me is hard. I usually end up with the ballsy jerk and not the quiet, strong guy I'd probably prefer.
My hairdresser stopped in the middle of a haircut (she only trimmed half my bangs) and rushed me out the door telling me she'd see me in a month. She didn't charge me and said the conditioner I usually buy was out of stock. It felt like I'd said something wrong but I can't for the life of me figure out what. I've been over and over it in my mind since. That was 6 months ago and I haven't gone back. I'm still not sure what happened and I feel so embarrassed about it. It felt like a mean girl thing with her and two of the other hairdressers in the shop but I don't think I'll ever really know.
Now my hair is getting so long and heavy that I'm starting to get headaches It's so hard to find someone who can cut it like I want and thin it out. It's discouraging.
You'd think at my age that I'd have this figured out, but nope. It's not any easier, either, I'm just more resigned.
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning to dance in the rain.
My husband often has to tell me to "stop talking", and sometimes to let go of a particular subject, so I guess I don't know when a conversation is over, or when someone has heard enough of the same subject. Bless his patience.
With other people, I might be the opposite? but I don't know.
I don't really know when people might like to get into a conversation unless they obviously ask me a question. I think I'm quiet and shy with other people most of the time, unless I drink wine.
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Aspie score: 161 of 200
Neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 38 of 200
Autistic/BAP -123 aloof, 124 rigid and 108 pragmatic
Autism Spectrum quotient: 41, Empathy Quotient: 19
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