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my as bf abruptly stopped talking to me! what to do

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mirnta
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18 Feb 2012, 7:19 pm

hi there.. i'm new here. i'm pretty positive my "bf" has as.
tho we have not discussed this.. everything was going great..
then we had a bit of a fight.. via email .. things got misinterpreted
and he has cut off all communication with me. i tried everything to
get him to talk to me again.. i have no idea what to do.. i have given him
space now. its been a week since i've heard from him. Is this a normal
thing for people with as to do?? will he ever talk to me again? i care about
him so much and it hurts terribly that he won't speak to me.
any advice would be greatly appreciated. thanks.



hale_bopp
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18 Feb 2012, 8:46 pm

I can't comment - I have no idea what you two said to each other.

Any advice would have to be based on what was said.



mirnta
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18 Feb 2012, 8:59 pm

ok.. i said i thought he was distant etc..
(we went and stayed at a hotel room for a romantic thingy) i needed
more affection attention... not sure what to do about it..thought perhaps
he wasn't interested in me being there.
he thought i was projecting my old bf onto him..
that he wasnt being distant .. that i should know he wants
me there, that i was always miserable with him.. hes not a mind reader
etc.
i said i'm not a mindreader either.. you need to open up and speak to me.
and it just gotta sorta ugly.. and then i told him i cared about him very much
etc.. to reassure him cuz i thought he was getting hurt. thats the last i've heard from him.



hale_bopp
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18 Feb 2012, 9:32 pm

I don't know.

I can't tell you what he wants you to do.

But if there has been no response to any of your attempts, perhaps you need to simply ask him "Is this over - or can it be discussed?"



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18 Feb 2012, 10:11 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
I don't know.
But if there has been no response to any of your attempts, perhaps you need to simply ask him "Is this over - or can it be discussed?"


This advice OP but don't assume that he has 'As' just because you do.


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18 Feb 2012, 10:21 pm

Hmm. Yeah, possibly AS and needs "alone time". Or perhaps just a jerk. :D You'll definitely have to communicate more with him to find out. Sad thing is, that I've had some friends that when they broke things off with a gal, didn't even bother telling them it was broken off. Never understood that. I'm not saying that's what's happening here, just another possibility to look into. *shrug* Sorry can't help any more than that. Love sucks. (j/k) :D


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hale_bopp
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18 Feb 2012, 10:29 pm

Catman wrote:
Hmm. Yeah, possibly AS and needs "alone time". Or perhaps just a jerk. :D You'll definitely have to communicate more with him to find out. Sad thing is, that I've had some friends that when they broke things off with a gal, didn't even bother telling them it was broken off. Never understood that. I'm not saying that's what's happening here, just another possibility to look into. *shrug* Sorry can't help any more than that. Love sucks. (j/k) :D


That is extremely rude to break it off and not tell the person, hoping they will go away.

If He doesn't reply, OP. Try to go to his house and force it out of him.
If nothing works, tell him he's dumped and cut him loose.



angelalala
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18 Feb 2012, 11:54 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
Catman wrote:
Hmm. Yeah, possibly AS and needs "alone time". Or perhaps just a jerk. :D You'll definitely have to communicate more with him to find out. Sad thing is, that I've had some friends that when they broke things off with a gal, didn't even bother telling them it was broken off. Never understood that. I'm not saying that's what's happening here, just another possibility to look into. *shrug* Sorry can't help any more than that. Love sucks. (j/k) :D


That is extremely rude to break it off and not tell the person, hoping they will go away.

If He doesn't reply, OP. Try to go to his house and force it out of him.
If nothing works, tell him he's dumped and cut him loose.


The first part I agree with (that it's rude to break it off and not tell the person); the second. . .well, I sure as hell wouldn't go to his house and force it out of him (uh, that's what restraining orders are for). AS or not, ignoring someone for a week without so much as a heads up is sh***y (if I need space, I will TELL someone I need space first because I have respect for the people I date).

So, all in all, I don't really understand why you're waiting around for him to come back to you or dump you when, really, you should dump his ass.



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19 Feb 2012, 11:42 am

It sounds like an Aspie thing. Aspies tend to be horrible at taking hints(you need to be extremely direct & straightforward with us & expect the same from us) They tend to be a lot more distant & get overwhelmed with closeness & dealing with others strong emotions. They need to retreat & shut-down for a bit in order to recharge. Sometimes they go back to their partner & sometimes they don't. I would suggest sending him a text message or email saying that you understand he needs space for a bit but you care about him & want to continue the relationship with him if he still wants to. You realize that you should of explained more directly with him & that your sorry. Tell him you will give him his space for a bit till he contacts you.
& assume it's over if he doesn't contact you after a while(another week)


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19 Feb 2012, 11:52 am

mirnta wrote:
hi there.. i'm new here. i'm pretty positive my "bf" has as. tho we have not discussed this.. everything was going great.. then we had a bit of a fight.. via email .. things got misinterpreted and he has cut off all communication with me. i tried everything to get him to talk to me again.. i have no idea what to do.. i have given him space now. its been a week since i've heard from him. Is this a normal thing for people with as to do?? will he ever talk to me again? i care about him so much and it hurts terribly that he won't speak to me. any advice would be greatly appreciated. thanks.

You'd be better off to move on and get another BF. Speaking only for myself, once I determine that I am better off without someone in my life, I will have nothing to do with that person unless I absolutely have to. For example, once our kids were grown, I cut off all communications with my ex-wife, her relatives, and our mutual "friends". It's easy, since it takes effort to maintain a relationship (more effort for an Aspie, it seems), and not maintaining a relationship takes no effort at all!

It's likely that your XBF sees things the same way, and considers you to be "high maintenance" and more trouble than you're worth.

Try to find someone for whom maintaining a relationship is more natural.



Strenia95
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19 Feb 2012, 12:56 pm

Dump him, for your your own sake. That's the only advice I can give. I've loved someone with AS for 3 painful years, and he has done this sort of thing all the time. The record was not speaking to me for 4 months. Here is how Aspies work: If they don't know what to do/say--they just do nothing.



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19 Feb 2012, 1:32 pm

nick007 wrote:
It sounds like an Aspie thing. Aspies tend to be horrible at taking hints(you need to be extremely direct & straightforward with us & expect the same from us) They tend to be a lot more distant & get overwhelmed with closeness & dealing with others strong emotions. They need to retreat & shut-down for a bit in order to recharge. Sometimes they go back to their partner & sometimes they don't. I would suggest sending him a text message or email saying that you understand he needs space for a bit but you care about him & want to continue the relationship with him if he still wants to. You realize that you should of explained more directly with him & that your sorry. Tell him you will give him his space for a bit till he contacts you.
& assume it's over if he doesn't contact you after a while(another week)


I like this approach.

I disagree with the posts about just dumping him, because I feel that position assumes too much. If you really like the guy, you risk losing something that could have been good by assuming too much.

But if you reach out in a non-threatening manner and give him a chance to do what he needs to do, and then he still doesn't respond .... well, you'll have your answer.

My husband, btw, will cut off from things that stress him. It is protective. But he will go back and have the needed conversations when he is ready, IF he knows that is what the other side wants.


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19 Feb 2012, 2:05 pm

Strenia95 wrote:
Dump him, for your your own sake. That's the only advice I can give. I've loved someone with AS for 3 painful years, and he has done this sort of thing all the time. The record was not speaking to me for 4 months. Here is how Aspies work: If they don't know what to do/say--they just do nothing.


That's not exactly helpful advice.

OP, I think you need to confront him face to face and sort out the misinterpretation. He's probably a little hurt by what you said but didn't realise that you said it to clear the air rather then him thinking that you were criticising his methods of showing love to you.

I wouldn't know what to do but I would confront him and explain what you meant by what you said and hopefully to get him to understand.



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19 Feb 2012, 2:42 pm

A woman confronting a man who does not want to talk to her may result in violence against the woman.

Don't do it.



hale_bopp
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19 Feb 2012, 2:50 pm

Strenia95 wrote:
Dump him, for your your own sake. That's the only advice I can give. I've loved someone with AS for 3 painful years, and he has done this sort of thing all the time. The record was not speaking to me for 4 months. Here is how Aspies work: If they don't know what to do/say--they just do nothing.


That's pretty rude.



hale_bopp
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19 Feb 2012, 2:52 pm

Fnord wrote:
A woman confronting a man who does not want to talk to her may result in violence against the woman.

Don't do it.


Do you not think she is owed an explaination? They're supposed to be in a relationship!

I think she just needs to tell him he's dumped somehow and explain why.