Wanting to commit suicide because of this emptiness

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I have had feelings of suicide more intensely than I ever had this year and my hope has gone down so much, I don't think anything will ever f*****g change. I'm 18 year olds but I feel that I've missed out a lot. I got a job and I've been told that would help me meet a girl for a love mate but that has not happened. I keep getting asked if I have a girlfriend but I always have to say no and it kills the day for me. The last time I saw my check up doctor for a shot, she asked if I ever dated but I had to tell her no. When she asked my older brother, he had a whole f*****g list of girls. When my doctor asked me more questions, I just had negative replies and I said so much, I made her feel bad. She made me feel bad so I wanted her to feel the same.

I've tried to be tolerant of other people (races, sexual orientation, interests, religions etc.) but they did not tolerate me and I'm no longer a liberal because of that. I now hate God more than anything else in this world. He never answered my prayers and has only made me suffer. When I saw my cousin with his girlfriend at church, I decided to never attend there ever again.

I'm always nice to my female friends and I always try to be interesting (I even played a guitar at school when someone brought it) but I still only have platonic friendships. I see guys be mean to them but the girls fall in love with those guys. It doesn't make any sense. I would never pull any pranks or any sort of harm on my lover if I had one.

I've been told by some people they have had unsuccessful love lives but eventually became successful. The manager of a barber shop I'm friends with told me her daughter never had a boyfriend when she was my age but she got married a while ago. However, the success stories get outweighed by unsuccessful ones here and it makes me worried I will never get what I desire. I'm scared I will be among the ones who didn't achieve what they desire.

I keep getting told I'm attractive by my relatives, old ladies, and that the girls should be after me. But I don't think what they say is true since I've never had a girlfriend and I never hear any of the girls say compliments to me. I only hear them gawk about my older brother and that frustrates me severely. I feel that he killed any chance of me ever getting a girlfriend. I was also tricked into taking a viagra by this girl at school but thankfully her ass got sent to alternative school as punishment. My brother also tries to push me to social interactions but he also tells me to give up my interests such as heavy metal music, art, and science fiction. I always tell him to piss off and that he doesn't understand I don't fit in the mainstream.

My friend told me to attend this place to see if I could have any success of meeting a aspie girl from Texas and it didn't work out. Supposedly, aspies are talented in their areas of interests but I'm still at a novice level in my own while I see others surpass me. There is just no hope for me. I don't give a f**k if anyone calls me selfish. That is just stupid christian morality that tries to make you deny reality. If you focus on other people, you won't be able to build yourself. I feel that when other people look at me, they don't see a human. They see some sick creature from a H.P. Lovecraft story.

The only way I can get away from my suffering is by sleep as it turns off my mind. It takes me to another world where I can be fine and sometimes in my dreams, I've had where I got to experience more than just platonic love from a girl.

But unfortunately, that might not happen in death. Beliefs in after lives are just the product of ignorant humans of the past. I feel death will be more like a long dreamless sleep but I'd like that as I would feel nothing. No happiness, no sadness, no anger, no hate, no love,.....nothing. Life rejected me but maybe death will accept me.

I understand the appeal of an end to the emptiness, but death is one thing we're all absolutely guaranteed. It's not like you have to worry about missing out on the only chance you'll get to die. Suicide is something you can always do later.

I know a little bit about your past and present from what you've told us in your post, but what I don't know about is your future, and you don't know your future either. There are about three billion human females in the world, so probably there's several hundred million within your age range. You only need to find one good one, and that might happen.

Some aspies do manage to make it. Each time one of us suceeds at something, the story's different. You might turn out to be one of the ones that make it.

There's nothing wrong with being 18 and never having dated. I know some 18-year-old NTs who have never dated either.

18 is young. I am 24 and never really dated. I feel the same emptiness you feel, but don't let that drive you to kill yourself. There is always hope.

I feel like doing the same, but I'm going to hang on for a while. I think you should too, because you'll never know when help might come.

At least wait until you're 30 first

I know exactly the feeling. When I was 16, my cousin, who was 18 at the time, was talking about all the girlfriends he's had. Then he asked me how many I had. All I could say was that I've gotten close once but she didn't like me. Granted, of course, I was only 16, and I wasn't as concerned as I am now that I am almost 21. I too have missed out on a lot.



I don't have a lot of trust in God myself. I don't pray very often anymore because I don't see the point. I've trusted him many times in the past and He has let me down too often. And I've seen many others let down. Everything in the universe is predetermined anyways, and asking God to change something isn't going to change it. He already knows what's going to happen.



The sad reality is that being nice to girls isn't going to get you anywhere. I finally learned that about a year ago. Girls may SAY that they want guys to be nice to them, and that they want a "nice" boyfriend, but they don't really mean it. Deep down, respect is not something they generally look for. They kept telling me to "go slow", and never to "be forward" with them. But I've learned that they just use those things as power cards, because they secretly want someone with confidence who will go for it. Telling a girl you've just met that you like them isn't "nice", but that's what I've seen work time and time again.

And don't even get me started again about some women that deliberately go for criminals as boyfriends, despite opposition from everyone else in their lives.



Yeah, very, very few of my male friends have girlfriends (save for one who is gay). On my campus, you don't have to even look to find single guys. Girls, on the other hand...



Yep, I've always been told the same thing. I know my late grandfather always wanted me to have a girlfriend, and it was difficult to see him pass away without him ever having had the opportunity to meet a special someone in my life. He got that with my cousin though, dammit.



No need to go after death. Bitterness has gotten me through the last few years!

Many of us feel suicidal on multiple occasions during our lives. This of course is from the social isolation and the strong discipline and necessary luck it takes to ever find a mate. Humans were created in order to procreate, and that is extra hard for people with AS. Therefore, it is natural for you to feel this way.

In my younger days when I was a preteen, I made several suicide attempts. Each one was an attempt to hang myself one way or another. See, I had a lasso that my grandfather had given me. I put it around my neck and threw the other end over the swing-set. But... that proved to be a very painful way to end things. Hanging myself like that (pulling on the rope,) is probably impossible. Maybe one of the reasons I am still alive by today, is that there was no gun laying around the house for me to use.

So the key to staying alive and well, is simply riding the storm out. The storm gets very ugly indeed at times. But it is best to let the storm -itself- kill and sink your ship, rather than sinking your own ship because of the storm.

Inevitably there will be a bright day. A summer in your life where you have indeed managed to find a girlfriend/wife, or have come to terms with the fact of being alone. Storms never last forever. Never.

In order to see that summer, we must persevere, or die in the process.

I wish you the best of luck.

You're 18. For God's sake, stop sounding like you've actually experienced any significant proportion of your life. You've experienced school. When you've been out of it for a while you'll know how poor of an indication it was of people in the real world.

And anyway, there is more to life than the opposite sex. I suggest that you try to find some other aspect of your life you are unhappy with (I assume there is probably more to your depression than simply women troubles), something you can change for the better. Work on that aspect of your life for a while, and in turn that'll make you far more attractive to a potential mate than just moping around.

Funny how parts of what you wrote I might have said about a week ago. I'm feeling much better now, but it is touph I know. I to really hurts deep down when people tell me "Your really a nice guy... Why don't you have a girlfriend? Why aren't you married? When am I going to have grandchildren?(mom).." etc.. Grrrrrr!! !! Anyway, I wish I could go back to the age of 18 myself I didn't even really care about girls or relationships at that age. Maybe ignorance is bliss.. It wasn't untill college that I really started to struggled with relationships, but sort of gave up after a while and just concentrated on getting through college instead. I am 34 and now I think I am more going through some of what you are going through. So I don't know what to tell you other than just try too be yourself and HOPEFULLY someone will come along who willing to understand and accept you for what you are.. That is what I hope for at least and to accept any less than that would probably be even worse in the long run..

>>The sad reality is that being nice to girls isn't going to get you anywhere. I finally learned that about a year ago. Girls may SAY that they want guys to be nice to them, and that they want a "nice" boyfriend, but they don't really mean it.<<

I know! How ridiculous is this? It's the single most bs thing about the opposite sex.


But back on topic. Not having a girlfriend isn't the end of the world. I'm 18 and feel like you do sometimes, but then I remember that we only get one shot at life - just 80 years or so in the infinity of time. And the only life we have is our own, a unique thing, which makes it sort of a collectors item I suppose. Don't let it go to waste, wer'e all going to die anyway. Life is a limited time offer so few of us are afforded. Do you live in a third world country? Have no arms or legs? Had your parents die? No? Then life isn't so bad. Play with the cards you have (and don't feel so bad about cheating sometimes.

Hope and desire are the two things that keep you going, and if you don't have those then you're already dead. Forget girls, forget all that crap. Focus on things you can change and do something about. Have a hobby? If you don't, get one. They define your life and make it more interesting. Talk to a professional too, it's good to have an ear and an occasional voice that is non-judgmental and understanding.

Best wishes dude

My older brother took my knife when he went off to college but now that he is back for a visit, I'll go see if it is still in his truck. It is the key for me to get out of this f*****g life that doesn't care for me and into the realm that wishes to have me. Why did this reality have to be full of religion, politics, and humans that crush your dreams? If my mother's placenta stopped feeding me, it must mean I was meant to die and never to taste the venom that is life outside the womb. Why did the doctors not kill me and stop the pain of life before it started? Did they know I was going to be cursed with this f*****g disease known as apserger syndrome? Did they know it was going to make me live an existence that guarenteed only misery and suffering? A existence where my desires and hopes would lead to nothing. They forced her to birth me early so their sick minded plot would carry out. I hate those humans more than any other. They rank below God in my hatred. Why was I given this damn life? Why did it have to f**k me over and hold away what would make me happy? Even when I'm given advice and encouragement by other people, it never stays. The success rate is outweighed by the unsuccessful rate. I'm terrified if I'm to be thrown into the latter and I want the pain to stop.

I sort of wish my mom had an abortion.

Its because people are attracted to confidence, to someone moving somewhere or doing something!

Most aren't attracted to someone who acts what they believe is nice, because each person actually needs a different sort of "nice" to feel good about themselves..

I've never found a partner whom I didn't inspire to read much more, to learn much more, to play or sing or something... BUT every one of them ended up hating me because they couldn't compete with something I've been obsessed with my whole life... So eventually I realised I don't want someone related to my interest, thats what I do every day anyway, I want someone in which I can get away from that, and most importantly, just be COMFORTABLE, which really cant be that hard to find?

We shall see, if it ends up alone, that should be tolerable..

I hate to say this but the pain is a huge part of what life is about, if you can think of it this way, the more it hurts, the more you feel, the more you have to give to this world..

Ever thought of releasing these feelings in something you can create?

Just an idea..

DONT GIVE UP!! !

I'm not going to come in here and say all the sliche sh*t like, theres someone for everyone, you'll find someone. It's not going to help you, and it would probably just anger you, and I don't blame you.

All I can do is try and make you realise that there are other things in life than being in a relationship. I know what a gaping hole in my life feels like, and the only way to move on is try and find more interests.

Perhaps you could join a gym? You'll feel better about yourself, and it will be something to do. Ever since I had my heart ripped out, chewed up and spat in my face i've been trying to force myself into doing as many things as possible, you should give it ago

Good luck

~F

Hey, Thanatos, don't even think about it! I'd prefer pain in this emphemeral life, when I know there is just oblivion if I kill myself. You find a way to put that mind of yours to good use. You can't just expect happiness to come your way. Carpe Jugulum. Sieze life by the throat. I'm 23 years old and I'm still a f*****g virgin! Life hasn't rejected you. Some people have, but life hasn't. You are rejecting it instead!