struggling with empathy and love

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hello...I'm an NT woman new to this site. I'm impressed by the friendliness I've seen here. For almost a year I've been going out with a man who I'm 99.9% has AS although we have never talked about it. He has a brilliant mind, is very talented at maths, physics and science, has a well paid job, is a funny and entertaining conversationalist. He also has a tendency to dominate conversations and to talk a lot about himself, and spends a lot of time (even weekends) at work.
For months he insisted that he didn't fall in love, didn't want long term relationships but then told me he had never met anyone like me and that he did love me and wanted to spend a lot of time with me. I was suitably shocked and happy. I love him and think he is a remarkable, great person.
However his lack of empathy and tenderness really upset me and make me wonder whether I can continue the relationship. I'm upset even tho' I think (please correct me if I'm wrong) these features are not unusual among AS men.
For example, my dad has been seriously ill but the man concerned rarely asks about him or how the crisis is affecting me. In fact, the man I love doesn't seem very interested in me and those I care about, even tho he does seem to want to spend time with me. He doesn't make me feel cared for. Sometimes I feel emotionally drained after I've seen him. Yes, I love him, but I need more than he's giving me in return.
So please tell me, guys, am I being unrealistic? Am I being unreasonable? Is there anything I could do to make the situation more sustainable? Thank you so much for reading this over-long message. I will be very interested to read your thoughts. BIG thank yous.

One of the traits of AS seems to be a difficulty expressing emotions. I think that he wants to spend a lot of time with you is proof he has them, but he has difficulty expressing them.

Yeah. I have the same problem - I just sometimes don't know how to properly show affection. That doesn't mean the affection's not there though.

As an adult female Aspie, I can safely tell you that it sounds like this man does love you. Speaking only for myself, I would never tell a person that I love them, unless I felt that it was true. As for the emotional support that you would like from him, try just asking. Your feelings of emotional neglect may be hard for him to pick up or empathise with. It comes along with that difficulty of expressing feelings. If you say, "I feel loved and cared for if you do the following (fill in the blanks) more often", and he rises to the occasion, that's a step in the right direction. For instance, if I'm with a friend, and they cry about something, say for instance a sick relative, I find it impossible to know how they are feeling. So I offer kleenex, and try to be quietly supportive. But it took me years to know even to do that. If someone tells me what would make them feel better, and I can do it, I will. Hope this helps.

No, you're not being unreasonable. If you're thinking of breaking up the relationship over this, then I'd suggest that you first talk to him about how you feel. Tell him that it hurts your feelings when he doesn't seem to show much concern for you. It may help to determine whether he really does have concern for you, but is unable to show it.

If it still doesn't work out after that, then you'd best leave him. Love alone won't sustain a relationship. At least you can say you tried to keep the communication open till the end.

Do u need traditional forms of affection? It might be an idea to sit down with him and as well as explaining what you need. Think about discussion ways that he can show you he loves you that are more comfortable and natural to him. It is hare to force what Nt class as affection but if you can understand what he dos because he loves you like for instance my other half dose not rember to show up on time he never tells me he loves me ecc. But there are little things that he does for me that I know he is doing because of how he feels about me and so I can get my reassurance from that because mussy and thoughtful is not him.

It was so good to read your post! I too am dating a man who told me in August he has AS. I have been on this site many times trying to understand if I am expecting too much. We also live 5 hours apart, I work shift work and he works all over the country, Monday thru Friday. Sometimes i think I'm crazy to even consider a relationship with him. My guy is not a brilliant converstionalist, and I find that really difficult. When we do talk I tend to try to "read between the lines" when there isn't anything there. It seems like as soon as I leave him I am waiting for the next visit so we can talk and yet it doesnt happen, we live in the moment, so the issues i have just go on and on. They are much the same as yours I think, I am not sure where he's at emotionally, he says he cares, he felt a connection to me that is unique, and he wants to spend time together, but his actions don't necessarily reflect that, and I don't want to be too pushy, we only started seeing each other romantically in July, although we worked together before that and I've had a crush on him for about 15 years!

Hmmn this made me think, every partner I've had has told me I give too much affection, in too big doses, followed by not much at all..

I think its because I'm just trying to show them I like them, but I don't understand how to give REGULATE it...

Anyone else like this?

I hear a lot about AS men being unemotional or "flat" and in my case its definately the opposite, I'm definately this way on my own, but I'm always overwhelmed by feelings, I just can't get the subtleties between the extremes of love and hate..

There have been some helpful responses to your questions already, but I thought I would reply to your message as I see myself in the description of your partner. I have recently been diagnosed with AS in my 40s. I have a first class degree in Physics and I have in the past amused groups of friends with my zany humour. I have also been consistently unsuccessful in relationships because of difficulties knowing how I feel and in showing empathy. However, I do think there are things that you can do to make the situation more sustainable. Firstly I would strongly recommend reading books such as:

"Aspergers in Love" by Maxime Aston
"Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships" by Ashley Stanford

When I was briefly in relationships, I was able to demonstrate I cared in practical ways. If my partner was ill, I'd know to send a card or flowers. That's why I agree that if you tell your partner how you feel and explore the ways in which he might be able to express his feelings towards you. Touching and kissing can be stressful for people with AS (me included), but a surprise candle-lit dinner and witty conversation is well within my comfort zone.

I hope you find a way to make this relationship work for you both

Steve

Thank you so much to all of you who have replied to the message I posted last night about my dilemma. I feel really touched, honoured and grateful that all these people who don't know me would seriously think about my problem and offer their sincere advice.
SS advised me to try to tallk to my AS man and tell him very explicitly that I feel unloved by him. This is probably what I would say to someone else in my position but of course it is hard to say to someone you love and care about: you are really upsetting me and I need you to be different. It is especially hard when the person you love is hyper-intelligent and really sensitive too, and you don't want to hurt them. But I suppose that the alternative is, possibly, that the relationship fails because I didn't dare to say those hard things.
Prowling Paradox asked me whether I need traditional forms of affection. My answer is that yes, I think I do. I crave physical affection, sex and loving behaviour and words, and I'd feel terribly alone without them. This may be weak but it's how I am. It may well be just as "hard wired" in me as it is, apparently, hard wired in some AS people to seek to avoid physical affection. No wonder we sometimes have problems, in AS-NT relationships! But forums like this are so helpful for at least helping us to understand what is going on, even if we can't fully resolve it.
Thank you Steve 45 for your book recommendations. I will seek out at least one of them.
Finally, I'd like to stress how much there is that I love and am grateful for, in the AS man that I know. He is so refreshingly, wonderfully different, so enlightening and stimulating, such fabulously entertaining company and so beautifully honest about his feelings and thoughts. The world, and my world, would definitely be a worse place without him. I really mean this.
Thank you again to everyone who has replied to my post.

I'm struggling to stay in a relationship with a man that I think has AS and am having
the same sort of problems. I have just special-ordered the books mentioned, hoping
that they will help. I'm trying to understand the problems that he has with emotions,
empathy, etc. but it's so difficult. This site is really helping me.

It must be so difficult and frustrating for you. I suspect that my behaviour might have been similar to your partner, when I had a brief relationship 4 years ago with an amazing NT woman who set me on my quest to find out why I struggled with relationships. I try to imagine now what it must have been like for this woman. It must have been frustrating and puzzling to fall in love with a highly articulate and intelligent man, who could not relate emotionally. My abiding memory of that time is my feelings of guilt and sadness that I could not feel much, when she came to the decision that this relationship had to come to an end. Her emotions were overflowing as she hit my chest with pent up frustration. I had so little understanding and awareness of myself then. At the time she said things like, "You seem to lack passion." I could not understand what she meant by this. I also could not tell her how anxious and stressed I got with any physical contact.

I suppose what I'm trying to write is that it's good that you're trying to understand your partner (assuming he does have AS), but it's also important that he is willing to try to understand himself better and accept that there is a problem for you and want to help to find solutions. I know that if I met this same woman now, some 4 years later, the relationship would have a slightly greater chance of success through my increased self-awareness of what it means to have AS and the impact of this on a partner.