Advice on my wife

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Hey all!

My wife and I have been married for eight years..together nearly ten. I need some advice from some fellow AS people on how to help some things.

I have a really hard time considering her feelings. I often don't put her first. This upsets her a LOT, as I suppose it does NT people. She knows I have AS...she knows all about it, but she feels that I should work to overcome these obstacles. I would like to, but I don't understand how to work on it.

I'll start to be considerate for a few days when we fight..I'll buy her a flower..I'll do little things spontaneously..but it leaves my mind eventually and things go back to normal until she gets upset at me again. I don't mean to hurt her and not show her enough love and understanding.

I also have trouble with lashing out. When I get upset or accused of something, I feel backed into a corner and I act rashly. I lash out and become pretty verbally abusive. I say very nasty things until I cool off, then I apologize and subsequently apologize for the thing I've done wrong in the first place. I have a very hard time stopping to think before I react and seeing anything clearly until I've already hurt her feelings and made a complete arse of myself.

If anyone can offer any support or advice I would be eternally grateful.

Plan time/ events a.s.o. in you cellphone or mda/pda to remember to do things she would like and you can't remember.

Walk away when you get upset and take a walk if possible. By the time you get back you're probably cooled down and less verbal abusive.

Thank you for the reply.

The idea about getting a planner is a very good one, actually! Thank you.

As for walking away, its very hard. Once my feelings get hurt, whether they "should" be or not, because I take things too literally or incorrectly, I lash out. I lose the rational thought to walk away.

What she wants, directly from my wife:

" for you to think of me not out of obligations, to consider my feelings, to not embarress me, to make a sacrifice or two for me, to admit when you are wrong, to say your sorry when you are wrong, to care about what i think"

She wants to get more emotion and feeling from me..but I don't know how to bring that out to the surface. Its so difficult. My mind is usually somewhere else deep in thought.

Any further advice is very welcome and needed.

I know how you feel. I haven't been able to walk away either (I'm a woman, I didn't fysically scare my husband, but I was very bad verbally). I have been very bad when I was married. I divorced five years ago. I thought the marriage didn't work. I didn't know I have Asperger's. Only after some years I felt I absolutely needed to do something to get control over myself, because I couldn't control myself verbally with my daughter too! Since I take 10mg fluoxetine a day I have this kind of control. I never wanted to take medication, because I didn't want to change. But this works for me.



That is quite an almost impossible list. What about a compromise? Like: you do want to consider her feelings and needs and you do want to do that from your heart, but she needs to accept that your mind needs to be reminded and trained to remember by for instance a pda (set for instance 'bring flowers home' not always on monday, but also on events that are important for her and/ or regularly on other days of the week). Once you do this regularly, you probably start reminding yourself when you pass a flowershop. You train yourself to notice flowershops and connect it with buying flowers for your wife. Your wife must give you some time to train yourself and not be sceptical or make fun of it, or not be happy with the efforts you take.

Saying sorry can be trained in front of a mirror. You must get your self to be able to say it (even if it doesn't matter anymore and you feel worse than sorry) and your wife must give you time to learn and feel a little comfort with it.

I don't know if this would work. But your wife needs to be willing to see your efforts if you take them and value it and not think that other men would do it this or that way and that would be better.

Hmmm..I proposed some of this to her and she says

"i have told u for 8 years to bring flowers home
u still walk right past without a thought"

She shouldn't train you. You should. You need a celphone with a calender or a pda to plan activities like buying flowers. She only has to be surprised when she gets them

Except that she doesn't want that. She wants me to think about it all on my own. She wants the emotion and feeling behind it. She wants me to do it on my own whim because I love her and want he to smile.

She wants this level of feeling and emotion from me.
Is this something I can realistically even give?

Maybe if you train yourself to do it, it may look like 'natural' to her after some time. That is what I meant with that she must give you time to get the drill under control. You don't have to tell her that you are training yourself if she thinks that is not 'real'.

Last edited by starling on 31 Oct 2006, 1:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Except that she doesn't want that. She wants me to think about it all on my own. She wants the emotion and feeling behind it. She wants me to do it on my own whim because I love her and want he to smile.
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Loving actions are planned. Even if your flower purchase were an impulse you still begin planning at that moment the presentation of the flowers. The more you went out of your way to make her happy the more she will enjoy what you did.
Do the PDA thing. She wants you to think of it on your own and yet she reminds you?? Let the PDA do the reminding. And prompt yourself to surprise her in other ways as well.

I really agree with heavyweather: loving actions are planned. At least, some of them are.
I'm an NT woman but I'd never remember the birthdays of my friends and family without writing them down in my diary. I make "to do" lists most days, reminding me of the people I need to ring. That includes friends and family who are having a hard time. I make notes to myself, reminding me to buy flowers or a card for someone who's ill, for example. These things are often not spontaneous, at least in my life. However, they do give people a lot of pleasure, or so I like to think.
Your statement that sometimes you can behave in ways that your wife likes for days on end, after you've had a row, makes me wonder whether you could analyse what you are doing at those times and then try to replicate those actions at all times?
Wish you lots of luck, mutual patience and insight.

I agree with everything here so far!
These things, like getting surprise gifts for people that are close to you, seem very difficult to do well at first, but with time and practice, you will get much better at doing them. So try not to get too upset if you mess up a bit at first. If anything, your wife does need to have patience and the understanding to know that you are trying your best, and the fact that you even try in the first place is a good sign of how much she means to you. I guarantee you that with the practice, it'll become almost second nature to do things that will make her happy. You already know what makes her smile, right? That would be a very good starting point. Good luck!!

Fake it until you make it is a good strategey ! ! About me It usually starts like this ...Saying hi and goodbyes were difficult to me as I had no emotions to this stuff...but things start to develop and you will be gettin gbetter as you practise..Good Luck !