Does anyone feel like they have two personalities?

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I would be interested to know if anyone feels like they have two personalities. By that I mean:

1 - their true self
2 - a personality they present to the world in order to fit in, appear normal, or just get by at work etc.

I appreciate that this isn't necessarily an ASD issue, as I know that people are sometimes expected to behave in specific ways to suit the circumstances. But I get the impression that the strain of having to 'act out' the 2nd personality can cause people with ASDs problems, and I would like to explore this idea.

I feel there are two versions of me. There's Talk Show Me for the 'Normals' and just 'Me' for the people in my life with Asperger's and my family. I'm growing to dislike 'Talk Show Me' more and more. I don't think 'Talk Show Me' would exist if I'd been diagnosed early.

'Talk Show Me' is a cross between my two uncles and Eamonn Holmes and 'Me' is a bit like Niles Crane if I'm honest.

I don't feel like I have two personalities, exactly. When I go to work, it's more like...[thinks, thinks]...I'm a Jeep that has to shift into four-wheel-drive to handle rough terrain. That is, I have to use my brain in different ways and exert it more. Be more alert, pay attention to people, and choose something to think about that will help me block out background noise. I usually get to work early and stand outside the building for a few minutes, "shifting gears" in my head and readying myself before I walk inside.

I feel like it's still me. It's just me on full alert.

Yes, and it happens more when you're someone like me, who doesn't tell anyone about my disorder, only my close family know about it (and my doctor and social worker etc). So when I go and see my friends, I come across as this shy, meek, laid-back, calm, happy person, and little do they know that at home I can be a right f****r; having nasty tempers where I hit myself, swear, scream, and throw myself on the floor throwing my legs and arms about. Oh, it can feel so embarrassing, even though my friends don't know about this erratic, insane behaviour that goes on behind closed doors. Even though my friends don't know I behave like that, I still feel ashamed in myself about it. Once when I was crying because it was snowing, and my mum was like, ''what would your boyfriend think if he heard you behaving like this over a bit of snow?''

And it makes me feel even more guilty when close relatives ask me, ''why are you so difficult at home yet you don't do this to your friends?'' It makes me feel like some sort of crazy sociopath. I knew a paedophile and also a control-freak and a conman who was so charming to his friends, making everyone think he's such a lovely person, but when he came home he beat his young girlfriend up, stopped her from seeing her family, lied like hell to the police and to other people in authority, and just got away with being so evil by acting all innocent. I'm not like that, but it still makes me feel like I'm someone along those lines, and it makes me feel ashamed of myself.

The trouble is, I can sit here now and say ''oh I won't have another outburst or panic attack again'', but these harsh reactions happen on the spur of the moment, and so at the very time I don't always realise I have started another outburst until afterwards, and then the guilt starts all over again. It's the main part of my disorder really: having difficulties dealing with unexpected situations.

It's funny really - how come I can deal with difficult situations in a normal way when I'm out or with my friends, but when I'm at home I can't seem to stop myself overreacting and having a fit? If I can control insane behaviour when I'm with my friends then there must be somewhere in my brain which knows how to behave normally, so why can't I control myself at home?

Hmm, there are at least three "MEs" living in this body..
The Clown, the Angry Matthew, & The Scientist.
Actually, there are more, but these are the usual ones. I call them masks which is what they really are..

Sincerely,
Matthew

This is a common human phenomenon, not an Aspie thing. The social mask NTs wear is sometimes called the "persona", if you'd like to read more about the topic. It is explored in many artistic works, like Maya Angelou's poem "The Mask" or Billy Joel's song "The Stranger".

I think it is more exhausting for people on the spectrum to enact their persona (especially since it involves physically supressing things like stims and consciously maintaining posture and eye contact, which NTs don't have to think about.) And that's if they are even socially aware enough to realize they need to have one at all, and if they can overcome their scrupulous honesty enough to dissemble about who they "really" are.

If you read some ASD autobiographies, you will find that EVERYONE of them did this to one degree or another. Donna Williams completely surpressed her real personality, almost to the point of dissasociation. And found many Asperger's and HF autistics did exactly the same. So this is a feature of ASDs for quite alot of us..
I also have a mute version, but it only comes out during or right after a shutdown. Or when I am working out/running..

Sincerely,
Matthew

I feel really odd in not having a persona. But I prefer it this way.

Yeah, NTs do this too. I adapt which masks I use depending on which circumstances Im in to the extent that I really need to work harder at showing more of myself. I dont think any two environments I am in see me the same. E.g. work sees me as serious, sports club sees me as quiet and lacking confidence, others see me as over confident, risk adverse, risk taker, unable to take a joke, constantly joking, argumentative, compliant, etc....

Yes, we talk sometimes. Mostly argue.