NT girlfriend stressing out AGAIN

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Hi guys.. I was with my aspie boyfriend last night and we were having a lovely time, when out of the blue he tells me that he is worried that his Asperger's might get worse over time and he wanted me to know that if I needed a way out (of the relationship) that was ok with him.

Of course, this rendered me speechless, and it seemed to come from nowhere. We talked some more about it today when I had gotten my head right, and he said that he worries that while he may LOOK like he's socializing better as he gets older, etc, his obsessive thoughts may get more and more intense, to the point that he is unable to communicate.

Is this a valid fear for him to have? Should I be concerned as a partner? Are there other questions I should be asking now that I'm not aware of?

Thanks in advance for your insights. He is a very special person to me, and in a way it felt like he was telling me to run away (he has also been left previously),

Paranoid? Wise? Prepared? I'm not sure which either of us is being right now...

It's pretty common for those on the spectrum to feel insecure about their social abilities, so they may worry about maintaining their friendships and relationships. When you have been rejected constantly and bullied all of your life, your first instinct is to distrust the people around you. I'm sure your boyfriend cares about you quite a lot, but at the same time, he worries about having the ability to maintain something close for a long time. This is not about his feelings for you, but about the insecurity he feels towards human connection in general. Try to emphasise his good qualities and the things he is good at involving the relationship whenever you have the opportunity...a little bit can go a long way in terms of developing his confidence.

Paranoid, I think. I read your other thread. He's scared because of past relationships, you're scared because of things you've learned researching his condition.

But there he is trying, albeit in a very clumsy way, to put your feelings and wellbeing ahead of his own. And here you are learning to accomodate his differences.

You're starting off well. Even though what he said might be distressing to hear, I think the two of you are laying the grounds for what could be a very healthy positive relationship.

Every time he brings that up, just tell him that you love him, and that you won't need a way out of the relationship because you want to stay with him. Yes, he'll repeat it. A lot. But if you reassure him every time he brings it up, eventually it will go a LONG way towards helping him feel more reassured.

Wow, okay, if he's like me, he needs copious amounts of alone time, to emotionally process. For example, after an intense conversation, even a good one, I might kind of need two days to take long walks, read familiar books or at least books on familiar topics, go see a movie by myself, write a little bit, about positive plans, or to better understand past events, although a little of this can go a long way.

As I've gotten older, I can maybe do this alone time processing in like five hours. But this needs to be my decision and my judgement call, not something someone else is pressing me to do. Even someone I really care about.

It's likely that he'll find things too intense to deal with at times, but it's not like a path. He's just expressing the pressure he's feeling at being in a relationship.

And if he can take alone time on his own schedule to emotionally process---and it's more emotional than intellectual---being in a relationship can be very positive for both him and you, too!

Thanks, you guys, this feedback is so so helpful.

We had dinner with a couple of my friends tonight (the first of my friends he's met) and afterward, he told me it would take him a day or so to process. SO HELPFUL! Of course, I told him to take any time he needs.

I will continue to encourage him, let him know I am not looking for an out... thanks so much.

I haven't heard much about aspies "regressing" socially exept in terms of having so many negative interactions that some may just give up trying. But I would think that would apply mostly to small talk and playing the game, anyway, not an intimate relationship.

The only example that I can think of is my husband's father. He's pretty obviously spectrumy although he refuses to see it. When he was younger he seemed more capable of making reasonable, logical arguments (based on letters of his we've found to that end) but these days (in his 50's) he seems scatter-brained and more of a do-it-because-its-"supposed-to-be"-done type. Like he trys to tell my husband how to get along in society but doesn't have any reasons for it other than to fit in. So it seems like my father-in-law's coping mechanism has been to amalgamate for the purpose of being the same as everyone else and he may have become tired of finding reasons for things. All he does now is monologue and tell everyone they should be the same as him, essentially. I didn't know him when he was younger so I can't really say how much he has actually "regressed" it just seems that he lost some of his mental sharpness with age based on the letters.

Anyway, heathergracie, I would not think that is really something to worry about at this point. Your boyfriend is probably just overanalyzing things. AS people have a tendency to do that. I mean, this is sort of akin to saying "What if I get senile when I get old! You won't love me anymore!!" Once again, my advice to you is to handle issues as they actually come up and stop conjuring them out of nothing

What if I turn out exactly like my mom? What if he turns out like his dad? What if I get cancer like my dad or heart disease like my grandfather? I suppose I should not have any relationships based on my family medical history, huh? I mean, really, what use is there in even thinking about random things that might happen in the future? There are an infinite number of reasons why you two may break up in the future. How many relationships really last a lifetime anyway? Just do the best you can while its here.

It sounds to me like he's A) trying to let you know what to expect in order to look out for your wellbeing, and B) laying his cards on the table now so that if you decide they're too much for you to handle (like a previous partner has, apparently) he can get it over with now.

If you're happy with him, or think you can be, stick with it.

^ This.

He isn't especially likely to be trying to drive you off with this sort of statement. He's just ... Odd, in a way that many folks here identify with immediately as "here's a status report, nothing to be worried about." If he's got any issues with shyness then it's a sign of trust that he's willing to let you know.

Sounds like he's being pretty straight forward, which is something I haven't done before. Nothing to worry about. I am single mostly because of what I feel is my inability to make someone else happy. Since that usually implies social contact, good communication, and picking up on cues prior to her telling you. The lack of those tends to annoy girls in particular, but I'm sure if I met someone I could simply be literal/blunt with and not worry about consequences. I'd find it appealing...

As always, all of your feedback is very helpful.

Here is a brief update:

Last night we got into a very long conversation over the phone where he expressed all kinds of concerns about us not having enough in common and all kinds of reasons not to be together (there was more, but this is the quick and dirty version), At the very, very end of this too-long conversation, he said, "I just want you to know that I'm very stressed right now, and when I get stressed I forget things, so I may not remember most of this conversation tomorrow."

In the morning, he texted, said he knew that we had argued, but didn't remember what about.

I don't know how to handle it. I remember the conversation, and it was very stressful and difficult. If he forgets things and his brain wipes the slate clean whenever he gets stressed, then that means I am stuck holding all the stress in the relationship. That's hardly fair.

I feel so lost and frustrated, and I don't want to leave, but I also don't think it's healthy to be in a relationship that is that skewed.

During the conversation, I mentioned that I had found a lot of helpful feedback on the forums here, and when I read him some of your responses, he immediately said, "Well, it just sounds like their Asperger's is a lot milder than mine."

This is mostly a vent post. Thanks for listening.

Sounds more like he's having meltdowns? Someone else can probably reiterate this assumption.

I'd also say that he's not having aspergers issues but early relationship issues. It took me 2-3 relationships to actually know myself well enough to not be unfair emotionally to a girl I'm with. If he doesn't know himself well he might be making early mistakes, and perhaps you taking charge rather than being submissive might help things. (not scolding, just using blunt words)... Noticed that last part sounded bad.

I understand this might sound snarky, and honestly, I don't mean it that way:

But is it my job to lead him through 'this is how to do a relationship?

I feel horrible even saying it. I know he's been in relationships before, and I know they haven't lasted...

Personal growth is something which seems to come from trial/error. I've had many failed relationships that I've learned and grown from to a point where I avoid girls who show interest in me because I don't feel I'd be able to make them happy/I don't quite feel comfortable at the moment with being in a relationship. If you talked to me 5 years ago I was a moody, upset, immature, meltdown/anger filled person (not verbally or physically, but most definitely passive aggressively). It might not be your place to do anything, you can only make a decision. I suppose I met a girl like you when I was around 23 but I had just left a previous relationship. She was sweet to me/loved me/did whatever I asked and tried to make me happy but I kept coming at her with off kilter emotions because I wasn't grounded emotionally when we got together.

She eventually left... I still regret it, but I couldn't have never kept her in that state, and it wasn't her position to help me grow.

You can't change someone, people always say this and we always fight it. Yet I've come to accept this after a long time.

P.S .. You should get other opinions other than mine.