Aspie Parent with a NT "Popular" Kid

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Hello. I am a Aspie mother of a daughter who is in 6th grade. I function well -- have a professional job, own a home, have a romantic life, and am involved in social activities. However, my social skills aren't natural -- I have to remind myself to do the social niceties that most people do without thinking about it. I am quirky.

The interesting thing is that my daughter is completely normal and has great social skills. Her fifth-grade teacher told me that she has a social antenna that is a mile long. She had a good set of friends throughout elementary school and was well-regarded by kids and teachers alike.

She is two months into middle school. She has four guys that like her and was recently invited to sit at the popular table. I am thrilled with her social successes (while encouraging her to be nice to those children who aren't blessed with her social savoir faire) and glad that she is also doing well academically.

My issue is that I'm afraid I will embarass her. I realize that is the fate of all moms of adolescent girls, but it may be more acute if the parent is an Aspie. I'm wondering if other Aspie parents of NT kids have had similar situations. Any thoughts?

This is coming up because on Saturday night, about half a dozen of her friends will be spending the night at my house for her 12th birthday. Most of them are new friends who have never been to my house before and who I've never met.

Anyway, thanks for letting me pose this question.

This thread is interesting. I always wondered what it was like for an Aspie parent who has an NT child. I don't have any kids but if I did have a kid, I would have preferred to have an Aspie kid. I could related better to a child who keeps to himself like I do.

I don't feel I could related to an NT child. I would not know how to relate to a child who would always want to go out and do things with their friends. Because when I was a child, I stayed at home and had very few friends. Also, I would find it frustrating to have a child who so blindly followed their peers and wanted to do everything that their friends were doing. Even if some of those things are wrong.

But that's just my opinion. I would like to hear from more Aspie parents, who have NT kids. Maybe they can share their experiences. Maybe raising an NT child is not as bad as I'm making it out to be.

My situation is a bit different, but amounts to pretty much the same thing. My parents are probably both Aspies as was my FIL most likely. MIL was the ultimate social butterfly and DD is also. DS is Aspie. DH and I are both shy and awkward, especially in groups or first meeting people. Dd's friends have told me I am weird and she complains about various things I do. But yes, this is the usual situation between parents and teenage kids and if it wasn't this problem it would be another. It's probably worse when parents want to pal around with the kids and try to be too cool and just end up rediculous.

So my advice is just to smile and give them some space and throw food.

Punish her dearly if she makes fun of other kids!

And maybe talk about your asperger's to her so she will understand if you "embarass her"

TheWonk;

I am so impressed with your post. Your daughter is very lucky to have you.

I have two aspie boys, and a very socially popular NT daughter who is now almost 16. Although I was a fairly popular girl when I was a teenager, since I've "matured" I have adopted a lot of aspie characteristics (don't care about fashion, I appreciate smarts over popularity, etc.), and since I am not dressed "cool" like many other mothers in our area, or I am not skinny, I've often wondered if I embarrass my daughter. I think that I have in the past, but I have learned over the years to just make myself scarce when her friends are over. ANY teenager wants that. You don't have to be an Aspie parent to embarrass your kids. Apparently that's an "equal opportunity" kind of a thing!

Just provide the drinks and snacks, make sure all is prepared for the sleepover (music, videos, whatever she wants), and then go to a different room and only come back into her room if she asks or if there's an emergency.

Now that my daughter is almost 16, she is beginning to enjoy my company with her friends. We just went shopping for something school-related with a friend tonight, and all three of us had a great time. My NT daughter actually ASPIRES to some aspie characteristics because she enjoys her brothers and her father so much, and definitely seeks out friends who have them. She considers people like this as superior. That day will most probably come for your daughter concerning you, where she will consider you as the measuring stick, and other people will fail by comparison. I think that any mother who is this sensitive to her daughter's needs is exceptional -- again, she's lucky to have you.

Thanks for everyone who responded. I will follow your advice and try to butt out of the party. The only problem is that the one TV we have is in the living room, as is our one computer.

I'll figure something out. It may be time to get a TV with a DVD in the basement so that I can kick everyone downstairs. It would also end the fights over the TV shows and allow me to enjoy Jeopardy and Washington Week in Review!

How did the party go?

Kris

I hope your evening goes well.

Glad it went well.

Don't worry about embarrasing your daughter. Every parent does that to their kids. If you didn't you would be the odd one out. Just be proud of her.

You sound a great Mom don't worry, I think she will accept you as you are, it sounds like she has natural confidence so probably won't be too fussed if you make the odd faux pas. I think it will all be fine she will learn that though we are not all great mixers we are still good people with different strengths.

Just a suggestion as your daughter gets a little order. Although many people have said to just let the children at a party be, and only be around if necessary, I think that may be a bit of a mistake. As children get into their teenage years, if you are not in sight all night, it will be easier for the children to bring drugs or alcohol into the party. I'm certainly not saying you have to stay at the party, or even talk to anyone. Maybe every half hour or 45 minutes though you may want to walk through the party to "get something out of the room" or something. As long as you don't overdo it, and you keep to yourself without offering alot of opinions, the children should not mind your occasional presence. Hope this helps.