Lamenting one's potential.

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I was never able to get a formal education, despite the fact that I love learning. I'm a fierce autodidact to this day on biological topics.

The moment I graduated high school, and gained some discretion in my educational future, I opted not to go to college. My experiences in school had been extremely stressful, anxious, draining. I was made to do too many projects at one time, and more quickly than I could process. I would find myself reading work, and not absorbing anything. I was mentally paralyzed by the work I had to do some days - I would have anxiety attacks when I didn't do the work - because I would be confronted by teachers about it. My teachers thought it was a matter of "can't" versus "won't" when the reality was that I had the capacity, but lacked the approach, structure or means. Because these people could see I was 'intelligent,' so I was often treated like I was being difficult deliberately, being lazy and haphazard. One teacher told me about "holding a grudge" when I didn't complete their expected work. It was the pressure of expectations which was partially paralyzing me - and the volume of work, too. I have always held myself fully responsible (as they did)- because when you hear something so much, you believe it. I did not believe I had strong differences, strong limitations, so I always believed I was just not as productive as other people. I never knew how they accomplished so much - and they never understood how I could accomplish so little.

I let my family down severely with the decision not to pursue education.

At 29, I now see myself as a case of lost potential. I know I have strong capacities, and I now understand how to educate myself, and what I'm capable of doing. I love to learn, to understand. And now it feels "too late" - I've been too scared to go back to school - scared because of the expectations of others I will not meet. They will see my outward intelligence, but not understand why I cannot show proficiency my in other areas. I want to work, to have a job, to do something that matters in a field of my interest - but I am barred from these things - qualified only for the most menial jobs that play my weaknesses and cause me to be depressed.

Lots of gifted individuals in this world who never get to express their gifts. It seems like school in this day and age is more about being forced to conform than learning and being guided and encouraged. Think about Thomas Edison and Dav Pilkey. They both got somehow harassed by their teachers in school. Might you still be listening to your teachers who reprimanded you all the time when you say you're afraid it's too late to go back to college? Colleges come in all shapes and sizes so there's got to be one out there that will nurture your gifts without overloading you or intimidating you with high expectations. Jayzee, How many adults in their 30's and 40's decide to go back to school?

Also, you can always refuse to talk about your grades or the work you do in college in front of your family--that stuff is protected under confidentiality laws.

I feel exactly the same way, although it doesn't really matter anymore for me seeing that I'm in early retirement. I never paid much attention in school and only had good grades in the subjects that greatly interested me, such as art and languages. In other classes, I distracted myself from the droning of the teacher's lecture and the noise of my classmates by retreating into my head or reading a book under the table. (I was constantly reading as a kid, even at the dinner table).

As a result, I only got the German equivalent of a high school degree (Mittlere Reife) and started an apprenticeship in the pre-print industry at age 16. In vocational school, I finally discovered how much fun learning can be when you're studying with a goal in mind and aren't surrounded by a herd of noisy apes. The classes were smaller, the students were more focused and less immature, all classes interested me, and I suddenly had excellent grades.

Looking back, I wish I would have stayed in school and attended a university. I've developed a great interest in the natural sciences in recent years, ordered a bunch of courses from The Teaching Company, and listen to Harvard lectures while I'm taking bicycle tours or doing my shopping. In English of course, which has become my language of choice. I think if I had put in a little more effort and had had more support and pressure from my parents and teachers, I could be working in biological or anthropological research instead of having burned myself out in a stressful blue collar job.


Edited to add: Ultimately, I see this as a failure by society to recognize and develop the potential of intelligent but unmotivated or socially challenged students, especially students on the autism spectrum. It is part of the rampant anti-intellectualism in human societies that singles bright but socially awkward people out rather than supporting and utilizing their talents. Humanity could be so much further advanced if we only made a greater effort to support and encourage intelligent individuals and to employ them in areas where their talents can be most useful.

I saw a lot of myself in your post. I would also like to add that I also had to deal with the nasty kids, too while trying to navigate the education system. By the time I--barely--graduated high school, I had had enough of the psychological torture, and refused to go on to college, although I would have liked to continue my education. I was of legal age, so I could not be forced to continue going to school, and I was just not up to any more dealings with the animals I had been going to school with. The only thing that got me through high school was knowing that I wouldn't have to go any more after that.

If you really do want to continue your education, age is really not an issue. People of all ages start or return to college on a frequent basis. I've read of people starting late in life and going on to become medical doctors in their 50s and 60s! So your age is irrelevant in this issue. If you find a full course load too demanding, just take as many courses as you can handle per semester. It will take longer to get a degree that way, but better to take longer to get the degree, than to over do it, and then drop out due to the stress and strain.

Also, you might want to consider taking online courses. If you want a certificate or degree you usually have to pay for the course, but if money is tight, many colleges offer free online courses without a certificate or degree. Again, you can limit the number of courses you take to what you can handle per semester.

Local state and county colleges are cheaper than the fancier places, but there is nothing wrong with going that route. There are also vocational training schools teaching all sorts of things, from truck driving and repair/maintenance of trucks, to clerical training, and cooking, plumbing, etc. They are also cheaper than many colleges. My younger brother, who was a lousy student, surprised me when he decided to continue his education by going on to Denver Automotive College after high school, and I was thrilled when he graduated from there.

If I was not so tired and drained from my other health problems, I would look into some of those free online courses, myself. Well, maybe someday, but at least they are there if I am ever up to it.

Abyssquick,

Consider looking into a community college, if you are in the States and have one nearby. Hopefully there's one that has a lot of liberal arts offerings (like biology) rather than mainly vocational courses. I teach at a community college in Minnesota. Two-thirds of our students are traditional-aged students, between 18 and 24. That leaves one-third that are older. Your age would not be unusual. A few years ago, an 81 year old graduated!

The atmosphere at a community college is very different than high school. Most teachers do not get on your case for not doing your work--you are expected to be responisble. (Of course, if you don't do the work, you may not pass the course!) The classroom tends to be a lot quieter than in high school. Unfortunately, there will be some instructors that "drone", but others will be more interactive (though the classroom noise gets a little louder when the instructor is more interactive). Older and younger students mingle well.

If you are worried about being overwhelmed by too much work, start out with just one class (something you think you'd enjoy) and see how that goes. There will be a disability office that can approve accomodations such as extra time and a quiet place for exams or student notetakers for lectures. (They won't allow "modifications", or decreased requirements.) If one class goes well, then you can try two the next time, and keep adding until you feel like you're plate is full enough. If it doesn't go well, try to figure out why and then try again.

I went to a lecture once by Tony Atwood. He joked that universities are great havens for Aspie's. It was one of those jokes whose humor comes from the truth they reveal. The truth is that people who come across as a little odd, or socially awkward, or downright eccentric, are far more accepted on a college campus than they are in high schools. Professors have a tendency to fall into that category, too, especially in math and the sciences!

One concern I've thought of is that, after years of teaching yourself, you may find that sometimes you know more about a topic than your professor, or that you remember details better than the professors. I've had a few students like that myself, and a couple have concluded that I'm stupid and have no right to be teaching the class. Try to keep in mind that the professor has studied a wide range of topics over many years and are well-qualified to make connections between different topics--and that NT's don't always have the gift for detail that Aspies are sometimes capable of.

Abyssquick--you're lamenting your potential at 29, but there's no need to still be lamenting it at 39! It is far from too late to start using it!

We 10% westerners should not complain too much

Imagine being a bright and healthy person from the 90% third world.... watching a fat, dumb westerner whom has everything in life handed to them on a plate

No opportunities for them to begin with, let alone fail

There are other educational routes. You are now mature enough to complete a masters degree without a bachelors degree. Masters degrees are much better suited to the teach yourself aspie, there are also plenty of good online options available.

I dropped out of the education system prior to uni, but excelled in postgraduate education, take a look at:

http://www.uol.ohecampus.com/

Jason

Thank you everyone for responses so far---

It is important to me that I use the strengths I have. I have discovered over the last decade that I do indeed have capacities for detail, for conceptual (theoretical) framework, for complex and subtle systems, as well as rote facts of interest - and in the context of Biology especially, since I'm interested in Plants (horticulture), Fungi (Mycology), and Soil Science. I want to do something in these three areas - and I know I have the capacity to earn degrees. I just don't know if the structure of education would support my learning habits. Anything remotely like my previous education experience is bound to be stressful. I as well am disillusioned by the anti-intellectualism and lack of diverse learning programs for people like myself.

I don't think one can jump into Masters here in the USA given a certain age. I would have to start at the very beginning. And I'm OK with that.

It's the problem that most of us have. I never had something I ever felt really comfortable in. Not comfortable enough to move ahead.

Skill is so important these days.

It's been a decade of passive awareness that I likely did not just have 'ADD' - there were too many other difficulties that got overlooked - things I hid because of the fear of criticism. In some way, I have always known - I'm so odd and I find I am never able to interact with humans in the same causal manner they interact with each other.

I've not been accepting the fact of my limitations - I have been thinking that I can adapt, that I can handle it all myself. That I should not burden others around me with my difficulties in understanding. I need to accept it, factor it in, and get on with education.

I want to take responsibility for myself - but I also realize now that I cannot do that without accepting and understanding what my differences are. I feel at my best when I'm learning - it's what keeps me sharp, it's what keeps me positive. I've been ruminating for a decade wondering what will become of me - feeling like my life has no trajectory of consequence. I read non-fiction constantly to keep my mind from stagnating - to make it feel useful.

I worked retail in my early 20's and was miserable. I've managed to start my own company, but the financial pressure still looms over me. I have no access to a credit line (medical bills - I have a pacemaker for a congenital defect), but I also refuse to borrow from others for fear of owing people. I have a great girlfriend, and a great life - and I want to be at my best for the people around me. My future pushes me to pursue education - I don't want to hold others back.