How to tell your Aspie kid?

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Hi all!! My name is Tammy and have a 9 y.o HF Aspie daughter. We have know for a couple of years now and we were wondering if anyone has suggestions on telling her she has Asperger's. She is super smart and we don't want her to think this is a "bad" thing. Like she has some kind of a disease. We thought about making a list of all the famous people who have been diagnosed or suspected with Asperger's and presenting that to her. But, not sure. Any feedback would be wonderful!! !

My ds, 15 1/2, has PDD-NOS and was recently diagnosed. We told him it wasn't his fault, it was something in the wiring in his brain that wasn't quite right. We told him it caused him to be less social and make it more difficult to communicate. Basically it was almost a non-reaciton. When I sounded him out on it, he told us he was aware that he was less social than his classmates and it made sense. Basically we just flat out told him the truth and he accepted it. I did give him a book on it. He has yet to really read it though.

There's a section on "disclosure" on the Parenting Index linked at the top of this board - there are a great many viewpoints and different ways of handling it, including addressing kids who don't want to know. It's well worth a read.

Worth knowing, whenever this issue comes up, adults with AS chime in to say how learning they had AS was a critical piece of information that they were glad or wish they'd had as kids.

I tried a few months ago to tell my then 5 yo. I think I should have waited a little longer, it went over like a lead balloon. Afterwards I read some advice that suggested to wait until they are 6 or 7. If any of what I read is true, your 9 yo should be ready to hear it. As momsparky said, check out the threads on this topic in the Parenting Index. There is some good stuff about ways to emphasize the positive. It is good to let them know that they are not alone. In addition to famous people that have or might have it, mention people you both may personally know to make it as real and hopefully non-threatening as possible.

momsparky-- I would really like to see that disclosure information you're talking about, but I must be really dense because I can't find anything like you're talking about! Is there a direct link you could post? I would really appreciate it. I only see ads and the tabs at the top, but even under the tabs don't see parenting information.

ETA- never mind, I finally found it! I didn't realize it was a sticky thread.

My (just turned) 10 yo aspie and I have had a few conversations about things that make him different. We keep it this open, ongoing conversation. I want him to understand that he has different responses sometimes, and why, and that they aren't wrong or bad. I do stress to him that I want him to understand how other people might be thinking, but I want him to be himself, too. We had a conversation today where he wanted to know all the jobs he could have where he would never have to work with people ...

Having a brother who was never told (he was only just told at age 28, even though his diagnosis was at 8 years old) I think it is so important to share it with your kid as soon as possible. My brother is very upset now that he's just been told... there is a lot of anger and hurt.

I like your idea about listing the famous, and brilliant people who had/have Asperger's.

The way I try to talk to my brother about it (the way I feel about it, genuinely) is that a diagnosis doesn't change who you are. You are the same before and you will be the same after. It is just information, to help guide you in the right direction for you and your specific needs. It doesn't mean you are stupid... far from it! A high IQ is a part of the diagnosis... so being smart is a part of being Aspie.

I think that it is good to just tell your kid what they can handle at each age. I'm sure as your daughter gets older she will have more questions, and you can tell her more as you learn more. But for a 9 year old, it's probably good to just share as much as she is able to understand, and make sure she knows she is loved and that you will always be there for her.

I've a friend who's Aspie son is now in his early 20s. She told him at a young age, but he still had a hard time dealing with his diagnosis as he moved through his teens. He didn't want to accept his diagnosis, even though he'd known since he was a kid. So each person really is different in the way they can handle it, and levels of acceptance can change throughout life.

I read in a book how some parents tell their kid they are like superheroes with super powers! Your ave person has ave hearing, but YOU have super hearing! So you hear lots of sounds that others dont.Those sounds might hurt your superhero ears, but not others.

Or, you are super at sensing others emotions and feeling them too! So, if I am mad and yelling, you are so good at sensing my emotions that YOU can even start to feel mad and upset yourself!

So on about whater specific issues your child has, just kind of putting a positive tiwist on it instead of saying, "your brain isnt wired like everyone elses" I know as a kid I would rather feel like i had superpowers then a miswired brain...lol.

One word of caution: I know that in the Aspie community, many kids have grown up feeling pressure to be extraordinary, as if managing a disability comes with the requirement that you be superlative in some way. I know that when I tell a teacher my son is on the spectrum, the second or third question is almost always "is he gifted?"

I've started to answer this "Does he have to be?" That's a lot of pressure to place on a little boy who can barely get through hanging up his coat at his locker. So, while there are plenty of geniuses out there on the spectrum, and plenty of people who've found ways to turn their liabilities into assets, I'd make sure that when you talk to your child, you're talking about their particular assets and not holding them to a standard they can't keep. We do talk about famous people on the spectrum, and we watched the movie Temple Grandin together as well as her fantastic TED speech, but we make sure to discuss them in neutral terms, how DS might be similar, and how he might be different.

Our favorite person to discuss: Satoshi Tajiri, the creator of Pokemon, who is diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and whose obsession with insects (which he eventually turned into Pokemon Cards, he based the character of Ash on himself as a boy) caused his classmates to call him "Dr. Bug."

My son was able to connect with that story and talk about it without feeling as though he had to rise to some level of genius.

I agree with this. I think the focus should be on how AS makes you unique, rather than some brilliant genius stereotype. Growing up, AS wasn't known about, but my family always made me feel special by pointing out my uniqueness and how being different than other kids was a good thing as far as creativity goes. Yes, I'm one of the Aspies who is lucky enough to have certain "gifted" abilities, but that wasn't the only AS thing about me that was focused on. Rather, my mother made me grow up with good self-confidence just by emphasizing my imagination and willingness to be different in general. Like, being left-handed was one of the things that made me feel "rare" or "special," and that has nothing to do with pressure to succeed.

It was easy for me because I am an aspie so I just told my son that the reason some of the other kids are mean to him sometime is because he is different, not bad, but different. I told him I grew up my whole life and did not know that I was an Aspie (we use this term because saying "you have Asperger's makes you feel like you "have" some diseases or something). I told my son that if it were not for Maddy (his younger sister) he may have not known that he was an aspie for a long time too but Maddy has Autism....she is the Autistic Princess and my son does know the difference and I teach him that there are different ways to treat different types of people. Like sometimes even though Maddy or some of the kids at the therapy center are annoying sometimes he does some of the same things he just doesnt realize hes doing it just like they dont realize they are being annoying.

I told my son we are all human but some people can lie and some people chose to tell the truth and its up to him the type of person he wants to be and he can do anything that any one else can do, he just is different than some people and everyone is different. If we were all the same the world would be boring. I also have showed him how many things that Aspies have done and that the way our brain works helps us to do all these wonderful things and the way Maddy's brain works makes her able to make music, remember things and her own unique sense of humor. I told him that sometimes he may need extra help in some ways but not only aspies or auties need help a lot of people need xtra help.

He LOVES therapy and so does Maddy. I wish my older daughter would have been diagnosed and got therapy, I wished I had. Its not as though you have to tell you child they have cancer and are dying, imagine how difficult that must me? Just tell explain that we are all different, we dont have to like everyone but we need to try to be polite and if someone tells us we are doing something we need to think about it, maybe we are. We dont have to put up with being called names and we are no less or "special" than someone else, we can just sometimes be different. He now has a best friend in his school who also is an Aspie and he knows that and he says, "____ is my best friend because we are both aspies and we understand each other".

I personally think its better to know than to not know. Just make sure that some people are "ignorant" (not stupid just not educated) about who are what Aspies and Auties are and think we have a disease. Its our job to teach them .

If they are asking any questions that can be answered by bringing it up, they are old enough to know the truth.

Same as "the sex talk."

Same as "the drug talk."

If they're old enough to be asking, they're old enough to hear the answers.

I dont think I really thought or knew there was something "wrong" with me when I was little. I just wondered why other people were mean. When you have Autism and you are very young you think that everyone thinks the way you do so its very confusing when they are cruel as you see yourself the same as them. I guess there are people who realize they are different early on. I was called weird but I didnt view myself that way. It wasnt until I was a pre teen that I started asking "what the hell is wrong with me, why cant I be like these people, why do I always say the wrong thing?" by this time I was very depressed and suicidal. I dont think waiting until they are "Old enough" is a good idea but I cant tell other people what to do. I just know that my life would have been better if I had know that it was ok to be me because from about 14 until I was diagnosed at age 44 there were many times that I hated myself.

I will say that I was upset when I first found out because I read this horrible book about how Aspies treat their spouses and I was afraid that I treated my wonderful husband this way and that he was sure to leave me some day (this is my second marriage and even with my bone diseases and my aspergers he still loves me, it was him that pointed out that I probably did have aspergers). I let my husband read the book and the next day we burnt it.....some stupid NT psychologist wrote it that obviously did not understand that just because someone does not show emotion on their face it does not mean they do not feel it and it does not mean they are heartless or unsympathetic.
Anyway, once I came to terms with who I really was I told my friends and family and I got really mad at one of my friends because she said that I DID NOT have Autism. I feel bad for yelling at her and getting so angry but when you live your life getting rocks, spit balls and horrible names thrown at you, its nice to know that it really is not you...its just ignorant people who dont understand.
Also its ok to be yourself, even when I was little my Mother told me not to stimm because I looked weird, she told me to do it when I was a lone.

My husbands Father thinks we should stop my son from doing what he calls "playing in his head". He runs back and forth, talks and makes exploding noises....he is doing the same thing I did and still do, just mainly without the dialog but I have made hand gestures, laughed and even cried because of something that happened to one of my characters. My son wants to be a Marine Biologist but I think he will be a brilliant writer like his Mommy . He is using his imagination he is in his world and his world is an amazing place. I dont care if other people think he looks weird. Like I tell my kids, its not your problem it is theirs.

The only way a child would ever get the idea that it's a bad thing if it's presented in a way that would give them that impression, or they have previously heard bad things about it. Unfortunately I occasionally see posts here from parents who are "Worried" or "Devastated" because their child might have AS. Those posts make me mourn for their children, not because the child may have AS, but because they have parents who would be worried or devastated about it.

The first thing a parent should do when approaching a child with AS, on divulging the subject, is to banish form their minds the slightest idea that it is a disability, or an illness, makes their child more needy than others, or any other concept or emotion with underlying tones of inferiority.

It is just a difference and means the child has different needs than other children. Not more, not less, just different, and most children with AS do know they are different, even before anyone tells them.

If I were NT, yet still knew what I knew, and had to approach my child and tell them they had AS. I would first ask them if they ever feel they're different from the other children. If they reply "No", I would tell them that it's ok to be different, and then I would have them watch the movie "The Incredibles" in which a family of super heroes struggles with the fact that they are different. My reasoning is that the child who replies "no", either really does not perceive they are different, or perceives they are different but is embarrassed about it. Either way, the child is unapproachable on the matter and not ready to be told they have AS. However in the latter case, the movie helps to instill the child with the concept that it's ok to be different. In the former case, the movie is just something for the child to watch and no harm is done.

If the child confirms they know they are different than other children, I would ask them to describe how they feel they are different. This is an attempt to probe the child's self awareness and perspectives on the subject, as well as a venue through which the child might be able to express something they had been dwelling on. Then we would have a conversation about neurodiversity and how that ensures a high frequency of new ideas and different perspectives in the world and I would explain to them why this is important, and how some of the most influential people in the world were influential, in part, because they were different and were able to think a little differently than most people. I would then go on to explain that sometimes certain people are different enough in certain ways that they can be grouped, and these groups are given names. I would tell the child they are different in a way which has been grouped and given the name "Asperger's Syndrome". I would then point out all of their positive points I think this endows them with. Then I would explain to them though that the brain is a bit like a computer. It has a finite number of resources and to be really good at some things, it has to redirect resources from other things.

I would explain that since they are so good at the things they are good at, it means they might struggle more with things most people don't struggle with, such as making friends, and so on. However I would be sure to assure them that it wasn't a problem because the things they struggle with can be addressed and just like everything else, with the proper direction and practice they can become sufficient in many of those things with which they struggle.

To address one of the other posters, I do agree that 5 was too young. At that age most children don't have the ability to grasp such complex concepts.

I have two kids on the spectrum (and autism runs in both my family and my wife's, so even her and I have some pretty strong traits lol), but have not told either child about the diagnosis.

I need to tread lightly, because I don't want my kids using the diagnosis as an excuse, or to feel inadequate, etc. As far as I am concerned, they do not have a "disorder" but are "wired differently" and they need help adjusting to the NT world.

My oldest son's Asperger's might cause him trouble in some areas (coordination, interpersonal communication), but it also gives him great advantages: tremendous memory, the ability to do difficult calculations in his head (much better than I can, and he is , and the ability to imagine extremely abstract principles far beyond what would be expected at his age (he thinks about things like quantum physics, nuclear fusion, evolution, etc. all the time). So it is a mixed bag for sure.

Thank you for making me smile. My son does this too. And I love it about him.

LOL my son still does this and he is 12 it is just imaginative play no worries ! And I have to say my son is 12 and I still have not told him I never wanted him to think there is something wrong with him because I don't believe there is he just has a few challenges that make it a little harder to get him where he needs to be but we will get there !