Don't know what to do with myself.

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So I went on a camping trip which was fun for the most part, except for my stupid issues. I freaked out a few times, and ended up kinda arguing with people and thinking they wanted nothing to do with me because I was being so annoying. It was my sister, her boyfriend, my cousin, my brother, and his girlfriend there but yeah my cousin and everyone said the understand these things happen and its not such a big deal and they don't hate me for it. But then its like my brains saying the opposite so I don't know whether to trust my thoughts or what people say......but anyways I am still speaking to everyone except my sisters boyfriend, we don't really talk much outside of if I am hanging out with both my sister and him.

But yeah I still feel kind of unconvinced they really aren't judging me for that.........also obviously when there is conflict and frustration a lot of things build up and I personally end up hitting things and myself, I am concerned about hitting myself because I haven't really done that since I was like 15 and suicidal. But yeah my hand hurts from hitting the ground, the side of my head hurts where i hit it and my leg has a nice bruise from me repeatedly punching it.

So yeah I have issues, I am still waiting to find out if I have that job I applied for.....or if I need to look elsewhere, and I am probably going to still attempt SSI, I sent in an application but haven't really heard back so maybe I need to check up on that. But yeah I am just concerned with how I will cope with interaction at jobs and such if I react to things that way. So anyways, as of now I am totally broke, other than 5 dollars and a bunch of change I haven't counted........am unsure of finding employment and don't exactly handle stress, frustration or conflict too well. So I don't know what to do with myself other then the endless looking for a job/applying for disibility cycle.

Sorry to hear that Sweetleaf.

Volunteering is keeping me busy, and helping me to learn. YMMV.

I find most people are more concerned about how they come across to others than they are about how you might come across to them. Obviously you are more concerned about how you are coming across just like they are. I think you have to keep reminding yourself that people are not noticing your flaws anywhere near as much as you are and when they say it isn't a big deal, they are probably being honest.

I understand it can be pretty difficult to convince yourself that you are not pissing everyone off. What helped me worry less about how much I might be annoying others was when I realized that I just wasn't that important to most people. They were too busy thinking about themselves to give much thought to me. I suppose that's kind of a depressing way of looking at it, but really, most people are paying far too much attention to themselves to notice most of the things you notice about yourself.

A couple of things you might want to keep in mind at work and especially around bosses. Don't hit yourself when bosses or co-workers are around. It doesn't come across well. But seriously, don't run yourself down in front of your boss or co-workers. People will tend to think what you tell them to think. If you tell them you are worthless, they might at first disagree, but eventually they will come around to your way of thinking and start agreeing with you even when you are quite valuable to them. You might want to try to develop the habit of telling yourself you are really worthwhile whenever you catch yourself running yourself down. It will feel like a lie, but so what... it's just a technique to prevent you from believing the even bigger lie you tell yourself; that you are worthless.

I can really sympathize with you on this. I have been told in the past that I sometimes invent trouble. I can go some place and then do something awkward and not realize it and make others feel awkward and then make the problem worse by asking if I've done something wrong..

I really hope it works out for you..

I think your problem has a lot to do with being able to cope with your past experiences when it comes to social situations. People like us are a little alexithemic, so we have to rely on what we got to read in on other peoples motives, intentions ect. most normal people have the ability to read in on others. That type of social activity is what enables people to make bonds with one another. Its like having a wireless headset implanted in your brain, unfortunately we have defective ones and we have trouble being able to process the crucial information that tells us what intentions and social cues that person is giving us and we end up just interpreting that info as best we can. When your brain is telling you the opposite of what some of you peers is giving you social wise, its relying on past experiences you had to deal with. For example when I was younger, lets say my high school years. I was bullied and made fun by my peers and even my some of my family members, so that doesn't leave a good impression, so when I was in college and I was surrounded by people who wanted to talk to me I was very quiet, reserved, and had minimal conversations, and I even got mad at myself. The best thing you can do for yourself is to try to get your brain to adapt more in social situations. Being on a site like this is very helpful, you should also try to find any autism groups or organizations in your area. And also spend more time with your family as much as you can, you'll need as much support as possible.
I really feel for you and hope this helps. Good luck!!

Well this is odd, I've been feeling a little better this week...before I was much more depressed feeling, but I feel rather comfortably numb I guess, it's kind of a good feeling. I guess I had to ask myself 'what's so wrong about feeling empty and numb and still enjoying the things that make life better? After all the worlds going to hell so why not enjoy the ride?' and not having an answer.......so what to do with myself? what I want to do with myself for now attempting to get a job if nothing else I can still take my dad up on the offer of doing some painting work.

And also I've learned some odd things that deserve looking into, but I wont talk about any of that because it sounds insane but it has to do with dimensions, beings playing with genetics and variations of human dna very interesting so I have something to keep my mind a bit occupied now. But yeah I figured I didn't need a new thread for this.

I'm glad you are feeling better and are finding things to be interested in!

yeah, except today's turning out to be pretty horrible........but hopefully that wont destroy my general better mood.