SOS....NT in distress!! !

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Hello my more demiurgicly talented friends. I crash landed on "Wrong Planet" while aimlessly trekking across the vast and wild, wild, internets. I come in peace (and wish not to leave in pieces). Allow me to clear my throat by saying that this is an immensely captivating and intriguing Planet and now, after a couple of days of exploring and making myself at home (I hope you don't mind?) reading countless of your fascinating, insightful, and thought provoking posts, I wish to make contact. My stay thus far has been extremely helpful. Forgive me for the intergalactical puns, I can't help myself with this site-I mean Planet-having such a unique name and inhabitants.
A bit about myself, comrades. I'm neurologically typical, I (regretfully) do not have your talent of having intense specific areas of interest, I enjoy meeting people, I have a plethora of friends (annoyingly so at times), and I cannot even fathom ever doing candidness anywhere near as brilliantly and as eloquently as you all can. I actually find the ability to dish out brutal honesty to be a virtue....any nt who doesn't accept it as that is a self absorbed moron. So I'm neorotypical to the 4th power. This post isn't concerning me. Enough about myself though and off to my questions, I'm anxious to hear your insights, if you all would be so kind as to read and answer.

I met the most interesting girl at my private school, after being paired with me for a project (much to her dislike), a few months back. She was frustrating to work with. She never made eye contact, never acknowledged me when I spoke to her, never gave feedback, she shot down all my ideas in a logical, matter-of-fact manner, has a very cool and eloquent style of speaking and has anti-social and anger issues. The time she nearly ripped me to shreds for resting a hand on her shoulder. Or the time she gave me a livid stare that should have popped my cranium in a cloud of pink mist when I showed up at her loft without emailing her first, come to mind. If she wasn't so clumsy I may not have made it out alive. Nonetheless I found her personality refreshing in a sense and at times admirable. Katja and I eventually made it through that project (we agreed to do it on politics-it's my interest and one of her flagrant engrossments) and she was kind enough to permit me to live after all of my arrogance and insensitivities.
Albeit her being a hermit and anti-social we've grown close and she's given me a rare place in her life. She began calling and meeting up with me when she was in the mood to ramble on about intricate politics, the evil of religion, C++ programming and tattooing but she shuts down like my ridiculously old laptop, which she has fixed countless times, and is as unresponsive as java when I ask about her personal life. Now I really understand what Stroustrup meant when he said "Nobody knows what most C++ programmers do". All I really know about her is her interests and critiques of society and culture. We have gotten close enough for me to consider us a couple although when someone asked her whether I was her boyfriend she replied "he likes to think so". Smartass. Later she made it clear that I'm her friend with an emphasis on benefits. I don't mind at all *coyly smiles and blushes*. However, I wish I could better understand her considering she is repulsed at the idea of revealing her intricacies.

Rest assured, I do not wish to diagnose her. I know she has aspergers after a rather unfortunate encounter with her nasty mother in which she informed me of it and called her own daughter a derogative term in an effort to ruin her relationship with me. This happened a few weeks ago and the day after I immediately informed Katja about this encounter with her estranged mother. She completely shut off and ran away right then and there. I tried contacting her every way (either telepathy doesn't work or I was getting terrible reception) but was ignored talentfully. She cut me off from her life entirely. Eventually I got the message (maybe telepathically?!) and left her alone. For a few days now she has been coming around again but has been weary and reserved. I'm very keen and empathetic but for the first time ever I don't know how to react. I want to understand her and make her feel better but have no idea how to do this and DEFINITELY don't wan't her to freak out.

Alas, the flurry of questions: What could have caused her to react this way? Can any of you relate to her reaction? What would you want from your friend if you were in her situation? Is there anything you think I should absolutely not do and
positively should do? I don't want her to freak out again and I care about her in yottabytes! Of course, I do not expect perfect answers but the way I see it your insight is better than mine and perhaps I'll have a better understanding of aspergers in the very least. Thank you for stopping and helping this boy, incapacitative and stranded on your planet, with his wreckage.

It sounds like she's mad at you for speaking to her mother. She probably thinks she can't trust you. But if she's coming around again, you should just let her do things in her own time. Don't push her for an explanation.
Great username, by the way.

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Last edited by nat4200 on 21 Apr 2012, 2:05 am, edited 2 times in total.

I don't what your looking for in the relationship when she clearly stated you were for benefits.

1) She obviously likes you if she's willing to spend time with you. She is likely concerned about your reaction.

You said it yourself; you think her mother told you to split you up. Now, how likely would you say it is that she didn't figure that out within about the space of a couple of seconds? In addition to any issues she has with her mother she's probably somewhat concerned about your reaction upon discovering she is Autistic. Many people have very strange (and exceedingly hostile) views of what Autism actually is, and she may have been on the receiving end of this in the past.

I can't relate to her reaction, personally. That said, i'm not her and I haven't lived her life.

I would imagine that if her Mother is thoroughly unpleasant she probably doesn't have a happy personal life and may not wish to discuss it with you. Or anybody. Ever. Many aspies have what you may consider to be a "photographic memory". For her, certain memories could be extremely raw and if she doesn't want to discuss it then I wouldn't push.

Just randomly commenting here:-
When she ripped you to shreds for putting a hand on her shoulder? Some aspies can be a considerably more physically sensitive than the norm and may not like casual physical contact, especially soft touch. You may wish to discuss this with her to establish what she's happy with.

She may also seem to withdraw if she's emotionally hurt; it's normal. Had you picked up on this while reading around?

Mmhmm I understand....



You are correct! Which is why I posted here....writing it out alone was very helpful btw.



I'm a dorky guy....



Clues? I had no idea there was a mystery! No, I share a slight interest but am ultimately incompetent.



I listen to a friend when she rambles. And I was self-deprecatingly being pretentious.



Of course not. No offense taken, thank you for taking the time.

@singularity Thank you for the advice and the compliment.

@curlyfry Friendship. Or is that overrated now? Thanks.

@Peter_L Thank you for your insight! I naively allowed my knowledge of her diagnosis to overwhelm me and prevent me from seeing what is otherwise blatant. Snapped me out of it, so to speak. I wouldn't dare to ask if she is attracted to me! She comes off ambivalent at times...maybe because she can't articulate feelings? Or is just plain snarky. I don't know but I'll heed your advice and I won't prod. No, I actually hadn't came across posts concerning those aspects of aspergers but I've searched just now and I see there is plenty for me to learn. Again, I find I was insensitive by casually informing her about my encounter with her mother....I'm grateful for you enlightening me on those aspects.

One thing to be especially aware of is that Autism is a spectrum. In fact, it's probably more accurately described as a spectrum of spectrum's; everything is on a scale.

Taking touch as an example; She might be no more sensitive than you, but just disliked the familiarity implicit in you your arm around her without her permission. She might be 20% more sensitive to touch, or she might be 20 times more sensitive. This same point is true with anything and everything, and ultimately the only way you'll know is if she wants to talk about it.

You may find that she responds to very, very direct questions better than to conversational leading questions generally. However, if she simply doesn't want to discuss a topic then obviously it doesn't matter in the slightest how you phrase questions.

Redacted

Last edited by nat4200 on 21 Apr 2012, 2:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

Here is the solution.
The next time you have sex, put it in and let it fly.
Get the chick knocked up and then you will see just how crazy she really is.
Either she will relent and just go along with it, or she will leave and stick you with 18+ years of child support.
Anyone that would want to stick themselves with a idiot like her gets what they deserve.
God makes em all cute when they are young so someone will want them.
When they get old and fat and sick - no one wants to play with them anymore.
Me personally, I would rather jack off in a log chipper then date that wildcat you are attracted to - but that is just my honest opinion.
In the end, your heart is going to be broke and she is going to be laughing at how stupid you were.
Get out now while you still have your sanity.

Die Sheldon Die -
http://popwatch.ew.com/2010/05/18/big-b ... flashback/

Oh jeez, I can relate to your post.

I think you need to keep two things in mind when you deal with her.

Firstly, you need to understand and recognise that she connects with you via logical or intellectual conversations. If you want to connect with her, or strengthen that connection, that is the best way to do it. And feelings she has for you will probably come from this a large part of the time if you are consistent with it.

Secondly, for many aspies, emotional conversations can be very difficult. Especially if she was already upset or it was a sensitive topic, it could easily set her off. We aren't always good at dealing with our emotions and tend to get overwhelmed sometimes, which is probably why she ran away from you and also probably why she doesn't like answering personal questions. It's not only uncomfortable for her, but she also can't really connect with you that way (or at least not without a lot of difficultly).

@Peter_L You articulated it well! I hadn't thought of it as a "spectrum of spectrums" and I also agree that it is much more reasonable and, frankly, more sensible to see, not only aspergers, but its many effects measured individually on a scale as well. Your right to think that it is very important to keep this in mind and believe me I will do so in regards to, not only my friend, but aspergers as well. Now that you've set me straight on how to look at this better I'm pleased to say I know a bit (an important bit at that) more today than I did yesterday. Thanks for the follow up.

@Looneytunes That comment deserves a loonier screen name....nonetheless thanks for reading.

@Kjas I'm interested in hearing about your similar experience, if you'd like. Anyone's for that matter.

That's a good and true point. We've managed to form a bond on solely intellectual, subjectual and less personal conversations. And I'm fine by that and we both really enjoy it but I wonder if this one method of connecting feels as strange to her as it does to me? I understand, I agree, it seems likely she was overwhelmed by how I nonchalantly brought up an intimate part of her life. As curious as I can get and as natural and almost subconsciously as it comes to me I'll especially keep your second point in mind and won't stroll casually into her emotional maelstrom without admittance. Thank you, you nailed that important point in permanently.

"That's a good and true point. We've managed to form a bond on solely intellectual, subjectual and less personal conversations. And I'm fine by that and we both really enjoy it but I wonder if this one method of connecting feels as strange to her as it does to me? I understand, I agree, it seems likely she was overwhelmed by how I nonchalantly brought up an intimate part of her life. As curious as I can get and as natural and almost subconsciously as it comes to me I'll especially keep your second point in mind and won't stroll casually into her emotional maelstrom without admittance. Thank you, you nailed that important point in permanently."

The difficultly you have forming an emotional connection with her from intellectual topics is probably how she feels trying to form a connection with by discussing personal and emotional topics. She probably feels right at home with the intellectual stuff. It will be finding a balance that will be difficult.

If you can connect enough with her through the intellectual topics you will start to understand how her mind works. Perhaps later on you can link parallels from intellectual topics to her personal life if you do it subtly enough. If you can do that, eventually she will be able to have a conversation about personal things as long as there is a valid intellectual discussion going on at the same time and it is relevant to that discussion and it's conclusions. It would require a fair amount of trust though.

It's not that you can't discuss emotional or personal things, you're just going to have to go about it in a different way than usual.