Anxiety About School... as an Adult?

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I didn't want to post this in the school section because I'm no longer at school. I'm 24 years old and left school when I was 16.

I feel very alone in this very irrational phobia I have about school. I have intense fears and anxieties about being forced to go to school or being trapped in school. I have no children so fortunately am not in a position where I'm forced to go to one. But I still find this phobia affecting my life.
*I have been diagnosed with anxiety disorder and am on medication... this is only part of my anxiety, and I haven't talked about it with a doctor or a counsellor/therapist*

∙ In the evening times I get anxious feelings as if I have to go to school the next day, these sometimes develop into panic attacks, especially after a holiday like Christmas or approaching September.
∙ I often stay up late into the early hours because of the apprehensive feeling of needing to go to school the next day.
∙ At night I have nightmares I'm trapped in school and I'm trying to get home/get away.
∙ I struggle to get up in the mornings because I have a subconscious feeling that if I can sleep in I won't have to go to this imaginary school... which also isn't helped by how late I stay up.
∙ I get anxious when I see 'Back to School' advertisements on television and in shops.
∙ I get anxious when I see children, especially ones wearing school uniforms.

This phobia is ridiculous and I hate it. I feel like if I tell anyone they'll just laugh at me, cause the idea of a 24 year old woman being afraid of going to school is stupid. I can't even find anyone in a similar situation as me, google brings up nothing. Just kids with school phobia or parents with it, and I'm neither.

Needless to say I had a horrible time when I was in school. I would do anything to get out of going and was bullied by both students and teachers pretty much all my life. I recently found out about Aspergers and I think this was possibly the reason. I'm looking into getting a diagnosis at the moment but I'm being sent in circles...


Am I completely alone in this? Does anyone else get these feelings?

Did anything particularly bad happen while you were at school? I have issues like that to some extent because I have PTSD from something that happened when I was at school. So being in a school setting makes me really anxious, thats part of why I ended up dropping out of college. But it might be more of a phobia as well in which case I am not sure what would explain it.

Hi, thanks for your reply.
Generally, bullying every day from teachers and students, emotional and physical. I had students hit me, cut off my hair, spread rumors about me, shout at me, sometimes whole classrooms ganging up on me and throwing things at me while the teacher did nothing. Teachers belittling me in front of other pupils, both while I was there and wasn't (I'd find out about it afterwards), criticizing my appearance and behavior (I wasn't loud or disruptive, just quiet and kept to myself and they didn't like it for some reason). I've tried to block a lot of it out, to be honest.

I sometimes I wish I could forget my entire childhood and then I wouldn't have these anxious feelings any more.

I'm sorry about you having to drop out of college, I have as well, twice. College is so much better than school ever was, but it still has a lot of similarities which, after a while, build up until I can't handle it any more...

You should definitely talk to your therapist about these feelings, and if it does laugh at you, get a new one.

That aside, maybe you could try taking online classes at a (nonprofit) university. Don't take just any online class, of course, but maybe the classes would help you learn and get a degree without being in a school setting. Maybe you can talk about this option with your therapist.

Thank you for your reply.
Unfortunately I'm not seeing one at the moment. My doctor's surgery is pretty rubbish at organizing anything to do with mental health. I've had a million referrals and preliminary interviews, but only managed to see a councellor once - who wasn't any help at all.

I'm okay with not having a degree at the moment... I've also learned that a degree isn't necessary to progress in the career of my choosing (when I'm well enough to work again).

I will take your suggestion on board and mention this to my Doctor though... maybe I have PTSD of some sort, too...

I totally understand. I am in my early 50s and wish I could erase my childhood memories. I have done what I can to block them, but I still get memory attacks. Psych abuse, verbal abuse, and some physical abuse. It was mostly the kids, but most of the teachers were useless as they didn't take the abuse seriously, so they wouldn't do anything to help, and some of the teachers were worse than useless, as they did their own psych abuse. My parents weren't any help. They did try, but not the right ways. Spectrum disorders were not recognized as such back then. We were diagnosed as having emotional/behavioral and or discipline problems. My parents, teachers and therapists all felt it was my fault for getting upset at the abuse. Uh, isn't it really the fault of the abusers--and of those who should be supervising them (the teachers)? Or am I missing something here? I would have been better off home schooled, but that sort of thing was basically unheard of back then, unless you were bed ridden, or part of an isolated in place religious or ethnic family, or lived so far out in the country that you absolutely had no way to get to school. Although I am still mad that I was not taken out and home schooled, I am not specifically mad at any particular person, as it never even occurred to any of the adults involved as an option because it was so uncommon. If I had had kids, they would have been home schooled! I would not want to repeat my childhood for anything!

As soon as you mentioned the fact that you try your best to block out the memories (which is a common reaction) I could understand how it can manifest forcefully as phobias and nightmares. Could you not summon the courage at some point and face your demons? (I know, easy to say, but when they're affecting you so blatantly on a daily basis, I think it could be worth considering.)

Here's another idea that might possibly have the same rationale: the inclination towards masochism. Not sure if it's recognized and verifiable, but I have this theory that masochists not only face their fears, they associate them with something of the utmost desire and overcome them in that manner (not that I'm saying you could do the same for the experiences at school, but that's where I'm coming from...)

Sweetleaf, I'm so sorry to hear that, that sounds really frightening.

Questor, I had hoped that with time these feelings would fade away, but if you still feel them in your early 50s it definitely makes me think I need to do something pro-active to tackle this... I empathize with you having had useless teachers... If a teacher wasn't actively bullying me also, they stood back silently when everyone else did. For example, when I had my hair cut and I reported it to the head of my year, she just said "boys will be boys" and walked off. Unusually for a girl, I was bullied more by boys than other girls. I have pretty neutral feelings towards the girls I went to school with, I even think most of them seemed quite nice. I sometimes wish I'd gone to an all-girls school.

I think even today, spectrum disorders aren't easily recognized, especially regarding Aspergers in girls. When I think back to my school days I feel angry that no one noticed how much I was suffering, and that maybe there was a reason for my quiet, withdrawn behavior. My mum refused to home school me too, despite my begging. She thought it would be best for my education if I stayed in school. These days though, she says she wish she took me out.

Mootoo, that's an interesting theory. I wouldn't know how to go about facing my demons, though? If you have any ideas about how to do that, I'd love to hear them.

I'm not sure what you mean regarding masochism?

That hair cutting thing is pretty scary for me. I have long hair and did most of my life. Once or twice a boy in school threatened to cut my hair and that terrified me.

I hated school so much and was so relieved when I finally got to quit.

I still have dreams about being in the reform school I was in from 15-16.

hanyo, Yeah, my hair was past my waist at the time. I had to have about half of it cut off to make it all the same length again. I didn't even get the courtesy of a threat, first I knew about it they'd thrown my cut hair on the floor and were all in a circle laughing about it.

I never even went for the last week or so, and just went back to do my exams. I sometimes wonder if this lack of 'closure' is part of the reason for my nightmares/anxieties that someone/something is going to make me go back... but I just couldn't bare another day.

Well, you can try to let the fears consciously wash over you... acknowledging that they aren't real and won't wilfully suppress the memories... as I mentioned, it's easier to say, I mostly ignore mine...

Or... well, to literally face your demons (if you're possibly suppressing them subconsciously), and if you are really courageous, you could hallucinogens to help you deal with the memories (the 'demons' would appear while you're aware at least, as opposed to in nightmares)...

(Just giving one random suggestion you could read up on if you want...)

I can't even watch TV shows or movies that take place in a school setting.

It's difficult but realizing they are just memories and thoughts is a key step, you need to learn not to identify with these thoughts and that can be a difficult step. Meditation could help in this aspect, meditation is also being used as a treatment for soldiers with post traumatic stress.

The fact that you are willing to accept the problem shows you have the courage to face it and you have a firm understanding of what is making you anxious so those are the first two steps in coping with this phobia.

I have been diagnosed with Agoraphobia and anxiety in the past and what you are experiencing does sound very similar.

I understand.

I'm like this because I was bullied in school. When I go by a school (especially my old school) I often feel anxious. I have also had the school nightmares. Usually in them I'm told that I have to go back because I didn't get enough credits. I'm also frightened of groups of teens when I'm out walking or shopping because I'm worried that they will start making fun of me. Concerning college, I have never been able to force myself to go even when there were things that I wanted to get certified for because the school atmosphere is horrifying to me. I also understand wanting to forget. If I could have my entire high school experience deleted from my memory I'd go for it. Like MagicMeerket, I too often avoid watching anything high school related.