Girlfriend Advice

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Mornin'

Firstly I'd like to start by saying that I'm in an interesting situation right now and I have no idea what to make of it. I'm a self diagnosed Aspie, seeing as the NHS don't care about it in adults (my Doctor's words) so obviously I'm not good at handling certain situations, especially when it comes to the fairer sex.

Around Pancake Day this year, a girl and myself expressed our love for each other and all was going well until a few weeks ago. For a bit of clarification, she and I have discussed me being an Aspie, so she understands (sort of) what I go through. A few weeks ago, she told me that her feelings had changed due to the way I am, her words here - "lazy, ineffectual and passive". Now apparently I wasn't always like this, on my birthday I was the perfect guy for her and she would like me to be that guy again.

Fast forward to today where I honestly have no idea if we're together. I think that we are, but I have a feeling she doesn't. She's moving away on the 19th back to her hometown so I feel that she's just cutting all ties as cleanly as she can. She says she's giving me the benefit of the doubt that I can be "that guy" again and I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out exactly how I was that night and I think I've cracked it. But now, she's exceptionally busy at the moment preparing for her move so we barely see each other, there's little affection going on although she does still kiss me before I leave to go home.

To be honest, I have no idea where to go from here. I can keep trying with what little time I get with her, not knowing whether I'm getting anywhere again. I've also thought "screw it" and just getting the hell out of there, but I don't think I can do that seeing as how much I love her. Another thing that has popped into my head recently is to make a stand, rant and rave at her to show I'm not being passive. But I think that might push things in the wrong direction. She doesn't want me to be passive, except about this I imagine.

I'm so lost. This woman and the love I hold for her plague my mind. I wake up at 6am every day with her in my thoughts and I really wish I could turn it off one way or another.

Sounds like she is playing games and being indecisive, the best bet is to disregard her and move on. You don't need someone that is going to judge your character in such a way, maybe she was judging your character to see if you would respond in an assertive manner.

Why compromise yourself for her? Find someone that does respect you and is willing to accept you for you, not someone that expects you to be someone else.

Thing is, I CAN be assertive and all the rest. I don't see how I managed to change in a matter of weeks

All well and good saying go and find someone to accepts me for me, but I find it extremely hard to meet people, let alone other women. Especially women who like me in return and have similar interests to me. This woman is like no other woman I've met.

I'm currently thinking that I'll stick with things and see how they go, seeing as I haven't got anything else going for me right now

Speak to her.
Tell her what you're going through, the confusion, how you feel.

She could be playing games, or she could be genuine.
Find out.

If some of the discussions you've been having are about you possibly being an Aspie, there shouldn't be any reasons for this flip-flop. The next time you guys talk AS, it's probably a good idea to bring up that you want her to be direct with you as possible. Let her know your confusion and judge the scenario from there. If she respects it and follows through, go ahead and continue. If not, my sentiments echo Wolfheart's: disregard her.

Is she bipolar? She sounds a bit 'contrary' for want of a better term.

I feel as though maybe she mis-judged the effects AS could have on the relationship. Maybe initially she figured she could live with 'it' and now feels differently.

Either ways (and I know this is very easy to say), you should probably let go of her.

Good Luck!

my guess is that once there were confessions of love, she expected the relationship to progress forward instead of continuing in the same way. she probably expected things to change in some way once everything was in the open. i don't know exactly what she expected though (maybe sex or romance?)

After speaking to her, she's still distant and unaffectionate, but I think she may be coming back around to some feelings at least, if not the full way. She's been doing research on AS, so that's a good sign.

Hyperlexian - After the confessions of love, she expected us to remain pretty much the same as we were. I think I got a bit too hung up on her, a bit too...needy, as much as I hate that word. It seems I may have some sub-concious co-dependance issues I hadn't really noticed either until she pointed things out to me.

Seeing her tonight, so I have to see how things go from here.

Also, I realise it's easy to say disregard her, as I have that thought daily. However, I also know that I spent the last year thinking about her nearly everyday, even though we didn't speak or see each other in that time.

I agree with what blinkrebel and hyperlexian said.

Sounds like you're handling it just right by continuing to communicate about it. It's good she's reading up on AS. It takes time for NTs to get their head around just how AS can affect a relationship - you can read a list of symptoms but translating that into how it affects your relationship and day to day life is a lot harder. It's pretty scary to read all that stuff about a partner who isn't able to reciprocate emotionally etc etc .... Showing her that you're motivated to try goes a long way.

I don't know if it'll work out for you but least you'll know you tried and you'll learn more about how this girl perceives you in a relationship. At the very least this is useful experience.

I suggest you could say that she could try reading a few books on loving someone with asperger's rather than using the internet... a lot of the time it's not put down in the right way.

Indeed, I agree with PastFixations and Nomadder. I'm an NT with an Aspie boyfriend and it look me a while to learn and get my head around the whole thing. I still often found myself slipping back into old habits in the beginning, which I'm still working on right now but that will come with time . What helped for me was to talk to other Aspies about it to gain their thoughts and views on things, afterwards she may be able to get an indication as to what you may be thinking or feeling. If you're open with her enough to talk to her about it I think it would be most beneficial for her because she'd be able to understand you better.

Understanding Asperger's isn't easy for the NT. It takes a lot of dedication, reading, understanding and time. The thing that helped me most was talking to other Aspies I met on here as well as reading books. I have now changed my mind set and I'm able to put myself in my boyfriend's shoes in certain situations, so it really is worth her doing that for you and it will make things a lot easier between the two of you, definately. It just takes a lot of research for the NT to kind of understand why the Aspie thinks that way and be able to empathise with their partner. I also think patience is key here for the both of you while she's trying to research it because it can sometimes take the NT time to adapt to the Aspie way of thinking, so it will be natural for her to slip back into her old way of thinking while she gets used to this new mind set.

this^^^