When should you bring up your Aspergers?

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Since I've never been on a date, let alone a relationship, I've always wondered about what times are proper for introducing certain details about your life. Since being diagnosed with AS a year ago, I've wondered when would be the right time to tell someone you have this condition. I know you don't want to shoo them away by presenting a potential major deal-breaker, but one's mental health isn't an issue that should be swept under the rug like watching a TV show you don't like but she does.

Assuming that you don't know the person from an existing friendship (b/c odds are they would already know about your AS), should you let them know at the earliest convenience (IE: mention it in an OKC profile or bring it up before a first date) or should you put off telling them until it either becomes a suitable topic of conversation or they have shown genuine interest in you and want to have a long-term relationship? (man, that was a long question)

I personally think they should know at the earliest convenience, but I'm not sure how early is "too early." Let me know what you think.

I was thinking just the same thing right now. I am working on my OKC profile and I plan on being open about my AS. I think honesty is the best policy. I don't want to make a trojan horse move. I want people to know I'm socially and emotionally ret*d but smart up front. What do you guys think? Am I making a mistake? I figured it would narrow down the amount of contact I get. It's like a filtering out all the garbage.

With regards to your post, sometimes we tend to be too open and honest. I would only tell close associates and potential serious mates. I don't know how bad your AS is but I can look and act neurotypical.

I'm pretty much the same. I mean, I was able to pass for a NT for 30 years without even realizing it. I just assumed it was shyness and introversion.

I've been diagnosed professionally as having AS. Many doctors told me that they think it's the most likely thing. Every test I take online seems to confirm this hypothesis. I'm having a real hard time accepting it too. My whole life I just thought I was "different". I thought my social shyness and introversion could be corrected. I thought it stemmed from how I was raised and not a biological matter. But looking back, I can see how a lot of my behaviors and personality could be associated with Asperger's. I was diagnosed at age 22. The most difficult part of AS for me is relationships. It's hard for me to tell if someone is flirting with me and I'm not good at reciprocating the action. I also have a hard time expressing my feelings/emotions so I usually just stay quiet.

Hi

crmoore, when I first saw your nic, I thought it said cmoore, and it made me smile as I remembered the classic prank calls of Bart Simpson to Moe's Tavern when Bart would ask to speak to speak to Seymore Butts.....ahhh, thanks for the smile and pleasant memory, even if unintended

Now, where was I?...ahhh yes....

I think this may depend on how you would like to foster the familiarisation process...if you envisage extensive messaging/emailing with prospective dates before meeting, then I see little need to announce you aspie status from the first instant. Because you are an aspie, you will express yourself in a manner which is shaped by such. In this case, you can either wait to divulge this fact if things go well and mutual interest grows, or if the prospective date asks you about your manner of writing or the way you express yourself because they find it unique or unusual.

If you seem to be communicating with people that like to meet up for a casual drink or other social activity early on in proceedings after exchanging critical information and they feel adequately confident that you don't have dismembered feet in your freezer, as can happen, you may want to be upfront from the very beginning about being an aspie as this will help avoid awkward short meetings with people that for whatever reason have 'neurologically different' on their 'nah-ah...do not date' list.

Hope this was helpful

Good luck guys!

I think you may want to take this on a case by case basis. The first few dates are just really to see if you two have enough rapport and shared values to get serious. At that point, you're in a period of woo-ing each other, and getting to know one another.

As with any long term biological/health/neurological (closest similar term i could think of) condition, I don't think you need to divulge it until you are sure that your relationship has the potential to last a significant period of time.

But really, if you want to share before that, great! It may act as a filter for people who will value you and be willing to work with you on things. Just evaluate whether the person seems like they are a decent, compassionate person. You can watch for cues in conversation about how accepting they are about other people whose lives are different, or who are challenged in some regard. If they are kind in the way they speak of those people, there is a better chance that they will be receptive to learning about you.

Please do let the person know, though. If I had known about my ex- it would not have deterred me a bit. He was so remarkable, I would have gone through fire for him. Unfortunately, because I didn't know about AS, some of the things he did, or just didn't do/say, were confusing, and appeared to indicate that he did not care for me. When you partner knows that you have a challenge in how you express yourself, or that you just have extra needs for alone time that have nothing to do with them personally- it prevents them from feeling uncertain or unwanted. With knowledge of AS, they can view it differently-- sort of as a way of giving YOU what you need and loving YOU the way you need to be loved.

Hope that helped. Wishing you much success!

I know part of the problem is that I'm usually afraid to make the first move. Even messaging someone on OKC feels like a choice between which arm I want to cut off. That's part of why I'm wondering how far "up front" they should know. I'm not afraid to let them know on my user profile if need be. I've even hinted at it by saying I have "some difficulty translating body language" or something to that affect, but I haven't directly mentioned it.

Thanks to everyone for your input so far! Keep it coming! Believe me, I'll need all the help I can get with this one.

If my own past experience is anything to go by, then I suggest never.

I think it should be at a point when your partner knows you well enough to not really be shocked by the revelation. At the earliest it should be when you are steady in the relationship rather than, say, the second or third date.

Here's my opinion on this:

You should not tell the other person you have Aspergers until AFTER the first or second date.

If you tell them too early:
1. They probably won't know what AS is
2. They wouldn't care enough about you to research about it
3. They could mistake you for something you are not.

If you two are getting along and the other person likes you, then it doesn't matter. But you should eventually tell him/her. If the other person does not like you, telling them you have AS won't do you any good.

Agree,

And assuming they wouldn't know much about it, maybe it would help to fill them in? Maybe something like, "
I like you quite a bit, and that's why I want to tell you something important. I have Asperger's syndrome, so sometimes it's hard for me to express myself, or I might do things that might seem sort of unusual or socially awkward. I'm telling you this so that you know ahead of time and we can work through it, and possibly even have a better relationship as a result."

Just an idea... What do you think?

I don't know if I would say that...

Mainly because you are combining two statements "I like you quite a bit" (which is an entirely big statement) on its own, that deserves a special moment, without any attention divided, and then another big statement (about AS).

Wait until she/he gets to know you. I would wait until you two are talking about Autism and bring it up. You could transition in the conversation about the general cause of Autism and then talk about it. But don't say it all at once like that. Let him/her reply in between.

When you tell someone you have AS, there are a lot of assumptions (false ones) that can be made, by even the most open-minded intelligent people. By waiting until you two get along, you eliminate that risk.

I find it's not important to tell at all if you don't feel like it. People should like you for who you are, and applying an arbitrary label to your personality and all its quirks would only be detrimental and create unnecessary drama.

EXACTLY. I couldn't have said it better.

Oh yes! I absolutely agree about waiting. This does not need to come up until you two are discussing being exclusive, or otherwise committed. ANything prior to that is a "discovery" phase of a relationship. That's just an NT perspective though. Personally, I like it when a partner shares vulnerability with me.It makes me feel like we share trust, which is a sign of intimacy.

I mentioned AS in my profiles on OKC & other dating sites & I explained a little about how it affected me. One of the things I said about it was that I am very direct & upfront & not good at subtlety. I mentioned that because I wanted to lay my cards out on the table from the beginning instead of playing a poker game because I totally suck at bluffing. I felt it was best to explain myself starting out because I really need others to be direct with me & it's extremely likely that we would of had a major misunderstanding after the 1st couple messages if she wasn't aware.