No empathy, overly empathetic, or what?

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Looking at AS/ASD traits one I felt never fitted for me was the lack of empathy - but then there are various discussions about this being a myth, or the idea that it's not empathy we lack but that we lack cognitive empathy but have affective empathy coming out the wazoo - now I'm confused where my empathy lays on the 'this is an aspie trait' score card.

I've been told I lack empathy by work colleagues - but then I did used to work in collections, there's only so much empathy you can have for someone who's crying or giving you sob stories one minute, then screaming abuse at you or you finding out they're lying the next.

On the flip side I remember a post I read about the issue of empathy in autism where it was mentioned that active empathy can be seen in an autistic child who gets upset at another child being told-off, I can relate to this a lot. Then there's my tendency to get VERY emotionally at sad stories on TV where I sort of mimic the upset of the people in the story, I imagine what it would be like if I were in that situation. I do go so far as to cry quite dramatically, this doesn't leave me upset, it's just a little more emotional than what may be considered normal and something I have to try to hide when around other people.

Is this not empathy...or am I just being the typical emotional woman...or sensitive aspie...or mental?
How does the 'lack of empathy' trait tend to show in HF autistic adults?

I'm not sure how helpful this is going to be, seeing as how I have an undiagnosed but likely case of AS, but I'll go for it anyway.
I think the empathy I feel isn't missing, it's just misdirected. Like you pointed out in your post about getting emotional over TV shows, I usually only get worked up over situations where I can easily see inside the other person's head and be explicitly told what they are feeling. In real life, I have issues with ToM and have a hard time relating what someone else seems to be feeling with I personally feel. As a result, I get no emotional overlap with real people I come in contact with but I will get overly emotional when a character from a TV show or book gets hurt or dies. The only reason I react at all to real people is because that was what I was taught was the correct reaction. I don't really see this as much of a disability, though. It'll give me an advantage when I actually get a job as a ME.
Hopefully that was kind of in the range of what you were looking for.

I perceive my lack of empathy as being unable to pick up on how others are feeling.

In a recent situation where I was one of a group of three people in a very brief conversation, person one left the conversation, person two turned to me and said, '[person one] seems very peeved about [thing of seemingly little consequence].'

I had no idea there was a problem from there reaction, although in the future I might suspect that a person is 'peeved' in a similar situation, it will not be due to reading their emotional state. Looking back on person one's affect, still nothing leads me to suspect they were peeved.

I care and I don't care.

I know what comforts me, I know what I like about my wife and kids. I will be there for them and do things for them.

But often I don't know or understand what they need.

My wife will read an article or see something on TV and become quite emotional about it, I on the other hand will probably agree with her, but on the inside don't see why she is getting so upset.

So I don't think it is a total lack of empathy, it's more of not understanding or recognizing when you should be empathetic

There seems to be different schools of thought regarding ASD and empathy. (We don't feel others' pain vs People don't understand that we may feel others pain but just don't show it). When I was a child in school, back in the days when children got beaten, I was witness to a child being dragged from class to class by the headmaster who would explain something briefly about blackmail then proceed to beat the living daylights out of this screaming child. Oh, i felt his pain alright. I can hear those screams now in my head many years later.

I'll admit, for my own self, I probably don't empathize with someone's pain or discomfort unless it's extreme as in the screaming beaten kid. But then, I am so isolated socially, I'm spared the effort.

There are two parts of empathy.

1. "I care about this other person's well-being."

2. "I am able to perceive what this person is feeling."

Autistic people have no impairment in the first part. We care as much as any other person. However, we do tend to have problems with the second part: Reading someone else's feelings.

So, if we seem unempathic, it is probably because we do not know--not because we don't care. Once we know, we care as much as anyone else. One of the important skills for people with autism to learn is how to gather information about someone else's feelings, either by learning face- and body-reading, by learning to ask them, or by learning to read someone's actions and infer their feelings from those.

(Sociopaths, by the way, are the exact other way around: They can easily perceive what other people are feeling; but they do not care about the other person's well-being.)

True, very true. That's why I hate it when autistic people are lumped together with sociopaths under the "no empathy" label.

I think aspies who are honest, take things literally and do not doubt any malevolence behind a friendly mask can easily fall prey to the sociopaths. I've also seen many NTs becoming victims of sociopaths. Sociopaths are very manipulative. I've had issues in the past with this kind of people, because I didn't suspect the fact that they were just trying to use me for whatever suited their purposes; I believed them when they made it look as if they actually cared for me. Sick people...

That's why NTs should stop the stigma against autistic people and should better start being more weary and aware of sociopaths. They can be found in any walk of life and they're very proficient at using people for their own good...

I too, feel empathy about situations in books and print, and on TV. I do have trouble with real life situations, as I often don't perceive that there is a problem or see it too late. Other times I see that someone is upset about something, but the issue is one I can't understand why they are upset about, at least to that great an extent. It's hard to feel empathy when you don't see the reason as something to be upset about. At still other times I will be able to perceive that someone is extremely upset about something. When that happens I just want to be away from them, as the emotional vibes they are giving off are too strong and negative for me to deal with--overload.

I am sometimes perceived as not being empathetic as I sometimes can appear quite expressionless. Sometimes this is just because I am lost in my own thoughts. Other times it is a protective mask. But I do show expression at other times.

I don't see any quick fix for not being able to read people too good, or to read them, and not see why they find something so upsetting, that doesn't seem that upsetting to me. So, I am stuck with being out of step with the rest of the world. That makes me fully qualified to be a member of WP.

I'm overly empathic and compassionate, terribly so.

I have too much of it and as such I have to shut it off completely. It's for self preservation purposes otherwise I would start overloading so frequently it would make it difficult to function on a daily basis. Sometimes on particularly strong moments, it will overwhelm me no matter how much I try to turn it off - the floodgates just break sometimes.

I'm very similar.

I concur with basically everyone else in here on this one.. I find it very easy to 'become' another person, emulating their behavior etc. But I also know what it's like to be me, so I often find myself slipping into people I don't actually like..

So ultimately it's less painful for me to talk to people as little as possible, unless I think they are somehow similar enough to me that I can safely proceed.. which has never actually happened, or if I thought it had, it wasn't for long

I suppose this is how everyone operates, but I get the sense that somehow it's much more meaningful/intense for me than most.

The word ''empathy'' is getting on my nerves now. I don't believe for one second that empathy is a NT trait because I've met some very selfish people before who don't seem to even stop and think about someone else's feelings. In fact, I've figured I come from a very self-centered society.

I think, as with other sensitivities for those on the spectrum, that some are hyposensitive in terms of empathy, and others are hypersensitive.

Remember, empathy is just an ability to feel and/or experience the emotion that another person is feeling...so it's a sense, like taste, touch, smell, etc, things to which most aspies are EITHER hypo- or hypersensitive. It makes sense, then, that some of us experience an incredible amount of empathetic response, and that others of us do not.

The classic aspie symptom of not knowing how to console someone has NOTHING to do with empathy...that's sympathy...which is an understanding which leads to an outreach of support. Sympathy does not require feeling what the other person is feeling...it requires understanding the WHY behind their emotions, and seeking solutions to fix it.

Have you ever watched a horror film and felt fear when the main character was in danger? If so, you've felt empathy...which is the absolute key to the success of horror films. Many other types of films can rely on sympathy alone to grab an audience, but horror requires empathy, because it needs you to feel the fear that the characters on screen are feeling.

I wouldn't say I was a sociopath. But I believe I understand why people can be upset, and when I do depending on the person I do not care about their feelings.

Example: The daughter of a couple I know, her horse died. The girl was obviously upset because her horse died. I did not care about her horse or her feelings.

I was speaking to my wife about the difference between empathy and sympathy, and I struggle with it.

From my example, would you say I can apply your number 2, but obviously fail with number 1? Or is my example not sufficient?

I've had a friend of mine say I'm not good with empathy, and my wife says the same. I had no idea. My wife said I might have aspergers, and having read up on it I can see where she gets it from. But I have issue with this empathy thing.



IF you could take a look at what I wrote. By your understanding it seems I can be sympathetic (I understood why the girl was upset), but I can't empathise (because I didn't feel her sadness).

I prefer your explaination over what others have written. I don't think I am a selfish person.

I'd like peoples thoughts on it. Because the idea of empathy has been bugging me since my wife bought it up.

I used to cry when animals died on TV. Now I have a bitter sense of humor.

For me:

The amount that I care and want to fix things: Increased
The amount I know what to do to help: Decreased
The amount that I understand others emotions: Decreased
The amount that I feel others emotions (as if they're native emotions): Increased
The amount that I can imagine how someone else is feeling based on the situation: Decreased

The problem with discussions of empathy and sympathy is that there are actually more aspects than people usually think of and describe. In many of our cases, at least some of these are abnormal.