Have I got Aspergers, or am I just weird?

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Hi, I'm new here (and not very sure I even belong... apologies in advance if I don't.)

I'm aware that only a doctor can diagnose me, so I don't expect any of you to do that, but I'm not really in a position to see a professional at the moment and I just hoped I could get some insight and opinions. I greatly appreciate any responses.

Because I tend to get very long-winded and disorganised, I'm going to try to keep this in a list format of symptoms.

Interest Related :
- I have obsessive, narrow interests that seem to hold immense power over my emotions. I feel like things always have to be about one of these interests in some respect. I swear I'm constantly talking about one of these things all the time or I'm not happy.
- I can't clearly recall having a particular focus, though, before at least age 12.
- I've gone through several 'phases' since then that have altered much of my identity and outlook. I feel like a chameleon, as my fixations have largely centred on specific people and they make me desire to be like that person.
- From age 17 to now (21) I've had an intensifying obsession with a single band who, to this day, are really the only band I listen to. I haven't actually admitted that to anyone before. I feel like a complete weirdo.
- This band have spawned several other sub-interests, including a type of music, the involved musical instruments, certain fashions, a particular era, and lastly, a specific nationality.
- The latter two are now strong obsessions in their own right and all of the above sub-interests have culminated in a fictional story that I'm also now fixated on.

Emotion Related :
- My emotions are like two sides of a coin. On one side, I'm cold, distant, and fairly numb. I can't cry when I really should (funerals, for example). Yet, on the other side, I'm so emotional that it's pathetic. The slightest thing to do with one of my interests can send me in all sorts of directions: excitement, happiness, energy, sorrow, anger, confusion... etc.
- My empathy for others is contradictory, as well. I can understand people, in theory. I can relate to fictional people, or the subjects of my fixations, but find it very difficult to empathise with the actual people in my life, like my family members.
- I have a lot of mood swings, but it seems to always relate somehow to my interests.
- Information (often what feels like too much to digest at the time) can fill me with confusion, which often inevitably leads me to depression.
- I feel extemely emotionally immature and the idea of being thought of as an adult scares me.

Social Related :
- I seem to always have had to be contrary to the norm, somehow. I've always been 'difficult' for whatever reason.
- I am socially awkward and have always felt different, weird, and like an outcast, but I've been isolated for much of my life (homeschooled since I was 10) and that probably plays a role, as does the fact that I'm transgendered.
- I'm extremely timid, apologetic, and always worried I'll say or do the wrong thing, or be misunderstood. (Though as a child, I was controlling and demanding.)
- I feel that I've always been developmentally behind in a sense. Example : Until 12, I really wasn't much of an individual. I didn't do things most kids did. I didn't have favourite music, I didn't play video games for real (I just 'pretended' with them) Until 15, I was basically 12. I had no interest in 'teen things' And now, at 21, I still feel completely like a teenager.
- I've never had problems interpreting sarcasm, that I can recall.
- I don't have problems with facial expressions or gestures.
- I'm not really sure when to make eye contact most times. As in, I feel uncomfortable maintaining it for too long. I often glance away.
- I had no noticable symptoms as a young child.

Repetition Related :
- I don't recall ever doing anything overly repetitious as a small child, or caring that much about routines, or schedules. I doubt it counts that I sucked my thumb until age 16.
- I've had some rituals since about 13, though. (counting to the same number during certain activities, liking my pillow to face a certain direction, other odd things.)
- I've always hated change in any form. Furniture being moved, new technology, things being thrown away.
- I've always been a perfectionist.
- I can't seem to stop myself from randomly fiddling with some things in a repetitive fashion. (i.e. things that hurt on my body, or trinkets that feel, look, or sound interesting.)

Misc :
- I'm fairly clumsy and have always had poor coordination.
- I think I look odd when I walk.
- I like to swing or bounce my legs when I sit in a chair, sometimes rock... basically I find sitting still difficult.
- I tend to pace rather than stand still.
- My perception is strange. I feel like it takes me longer to 'process' certain things. I can look at an image and often not see the 'big picture', which means it doesn't register as quickly what I'm seeing. I often over-think simple things.

I guess I'm just curious if it's possible for someone to have Aspergers, but not exhibit many of the more visible symptoms. Does the fact that my voice tone seems normal and that I've never had issues with facial expressions or gestures rule out me having Aspergers?

I'm so sorry for rambling on like this. I hope I haven't written too much. I always seem to do that.

Hi Memphisto!

Before I forget my manners, welcome to wrong planet!

As you quiet rightly said no one here can diagnose you (even the ones who may be certified to diagnose, not without physically meeting you at least).
I find it hard to distinguish what is a slight variant on normal, and what is autistic/aspergic behaviour a lot of the time. I find that being atypical - for instance being transgendered, home-schooled, etc - makes it even harder.

As a personal example, I'm trans, and had a traumatic childhood, so I'm never sure if my symptoms can be attributed to either of those, or if I really do have Aspergers. To complicate matters even more, I show strong symptoms of dyslexia, dyscalulia, dyspraxia, dsygraphia - although I think that for me it's just an extension of horrendously poor motor control related to dyspraxia. I swing between thinking I have a specific learning difficulty based hypochondria, thinking that all of my symptoms are explained by Aspergers, and a jumble of other learning difficulties, or that I'm profoundly mentally handicapped. There's too much empirical evidence to contrary for me to believe the last one for long. There's also too many people asking me if I have Aspergers, and too many close friends agreeing that the symptoms fit me well, for me to be a complete hypochondriac, I think anyway.

Even after that though, I don't think I'll be truly happy until I've gotten several professional opinions.

I hope you find what it is you're looking for here on WrongPlanet.

I don't have much to contribute apart from how awesome memphistos name is.
Mephisto, a great guy, I go down to his cafe every now and then.

Hi Memphisto! Welcome to Wrong Planet! Check out the many interesting and helpful forums here. You do sound like you are on the Autism/Asperger's spectrum to me. The Autism/ Asperger's area of forums has at least one post article with links to online tests you can take for a self diagnosis. If you want or need an official diagnosis, take a copy of your online tests with you to the psych doc. Pick one that has experience treating people with Autism and Asperger's spectrum disorders.

And remember, you are among friends here at WP!

Thanks for the welcome, everyone.

Haha, thanks, Rax. It's a song title and I just sort of liked it. The inspiration behind the title is pretty amusing, actually.

FalsettoTesla, I see what you mean. The factors can be confusing, especially when there are multiple issues. I just realised, though, that the homeschooling (and lax parenting) may have concealed social issues more than exacerbated them, actually. I feel it's done that with my being trans, as well. I've had less reason to confront the problems because I've been so alone and in front of a computer screen nearly all my life. It's just that now things have really reached a breaking point.

I'm very analytical and I feel like something's wrong with me and I'd like to know what. Somehow being able to put a name on it would be so comforting.

I'm just a bit dubious as to whether my onset of symptoms seems far too atypical, or if whether not having strong cues, rules me out. I am biologically female, if it matters, though I'm FtM transgender.

I'm stuck between the theories that either being transgender has caused ALL of my problems, quirks, and identity issues (the chameleon thing, if you will) or that I've got either one or more of the following, as well : Bipolar, OCD, or Aspergers.

The most confusing thing is that almost all of my major issues started around the onset of puberty (though I've always suffered from anxiety problems) and ironically, I'm now suffering from ADHD-like symptoms. My attention span as a small child was vast, yet now I can't concentrate or focus on much of anything, and my brain feels like it's constantly clouded by a mental fog of confusion.

My father suffered from Bipolar II, so it isn't unlikely that I may have it, but my mood swings, like I said, seem more related to my interests than to no factor at all. And I only have 'manic states' when I'm indulging heavily in one of my interests. Perhaps, even 'sharing' that interest with another. I'm reserved socially, but seem to thrive on (and become energised by) interaction if it concerns something I'm interested in. I actuallt 'wilt' if not able to have some level of socialisation that involves me and my interests. I'm not sure whether that's typical or atypical of Aspergers.

Well, I'm grateful for the welcome and I hope to learn more here. Perhaps just interacting and hearing what others have to say will help me figure myself out a bit.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welkome to WP

Mick

Memphisto, I wanna say hello and be a friend of you. but, I am not professional in giving you advise, because I am also puzzling all around my life and trying to analyze situation.

Indeed I read through every words in this post and astonished that there are finally someone out there similar to me (of coz that's what I think only )

In childhood, school life and then work environment now, I was considered intelligent and analytical. But some what in normal life, I just stuck at lots of things in very awkward way. I had depressed time, and had counseling before, although no psycho syndrome is diagnosed. Well, but doctor said I have high tendency to asperger.

It's been a lot of time that I have to remind myself that I am just different from normal people. Not stupid, not clever, but just different. But I feel so lonely all the time and get crazy at repeating search on the Internet.

P.S. Sorry for poor English, which is not my tongue language.

Welcome to WP!

welcome

Welcome to Wrong Planet

Welcome to WP!

Hi, I am new to WrongPlanet and clicked on your thread because I have had many of the same questions about myself. I am also biologically female but think of myself variably as gender neutral or trans, and many many of the same traits you mentioned, I share.

I learned, starting from a video on this website, that the female expression of Asperger's tends to be very different from the supposedly more common male expression. I found a table that I thought was helpful, but I cannot post the link as I am new, but it can be found, along with a good deal of articles online about female Asperger's if you care to Google it.

The video I watched mentioned that many Asperger's diagnoses for girls first come about because the patient is first hospitalized for an eating disorder... something that could have easily happened to me, as I have always been neurotic about food, even scared of it, but never thought of myself as having an eating disorder because I was patently unconcerned with my weight or appearance as related to food.

What you said about being a "chameleon" apparently is one of the most defining characteristics of female Asperger's, and one that I share, as well as people-obsessions. Identifying as other-than a sis female is also very common. Misdiagnoses of Bipolar can be common, as well.

I took an online quiz, and did some reading on the subject, and now feel fairly confident about how to define the difference I have always felt from others. I hope that you find what you are looking for.