I've been a member of WP since 2008 but have never posted.
I was diagnosed with Aspergers/a Spectrum Disorder long before that (though I didn't really realize it until more recently, like what it actually means, in general).
I've been seeing psychiatrists/therapists/doctors/other people for as long as I can remember.
I have clinical depression on top of having a spectrum disorder. (Or is it part of that?)
I think only 5-6 people know either of my diagnosis's (parents, sister, boyfriend, + 2(?) friends).
I've never been good socially, but never knew why. Or, never really cared why. I was just being me.
I'm 25 now. Live with my boyfriend. I miss my mom like crazy and talk to her multiple times a day. Can't get myself to get a job or go to school. Can't keep up friendships long-term.
And besides my mom, I don't know anyone who can relate to what I go through everyday. Who have Aspergers or Spectrum stuff going on.
And every day, it's a struggle.
I'm a musician and in an active band and I have to be in social situations a whole lot and I get extremely anxious beforehand and during, and usually have to be intoxicated to get through it without totally melting down to be honest.
I probably drink too much on top of all this, too.
I feel like if I tell anyone anything about it, everything will change. I don't like talking about it. I don't like pointing it out. Even though it would probably explain a lot of things to the people I know... (?)
Although I may seem able to communicate and be verbal right now - on the computer and all that - but it's not... real. In "real life" I totally shut down. I can't say what I'm thinking or what I want to say. I never do. I never can.
I'm posting all this I guess because I feel very alone lately and I actually want to talk to other people who are "like me" or whatever. About all this. Maybe feel "normal" for once. Get advice. Talk.
So, hello.
I don't know. I'm here. Hello.
13 May 2012, 9:10 pm
